changes

ahhh...a quiet moment to myself....something i've craved for some time now. only the neighbor's lawnmower as white noise. time to look inward at the changes trying to take place. have you ever seen an egg hatch? this past spring/summer, i watched (with obsession) as 2 seperate nests of peregrine falcon baby eggs were born, nested, and eventually hatched and grown, then flew away to begin their new lives. i could imagine the baby peck peck pecking away on the inside of the egg - trying to crack through the shell, then taking a big breath of new air and stepping out. that's how i feel. like there are changes occuring inside this egg - this shell - of my body. Not physical, though. changes brought about by growth, and circumstance, and experiences. i ask - who am i now? as much as i'd feel like i'm the same as my 30-year old self, or even 20-something year old self (in some respects), i've grown and changed over the years. not a bad thing. but i try to imagine who i really am now - as my 48-year old self. yow that sounds old! almost 50. i try to picture myself living alone with no obligations or financial worries. no outside distractions. now, what am i wearing? what clothes reflect outwardly what i feel inwardly? how is my hair? long and straight and silver? short and dyed "natural" brown? short and silver? do i shave my legs? am i wearing contacts or glasses? am i living alone, or with someone? what is that person like? do i have pets? sheep? llamas? do i work outside the home (as they say) or am i "making art" ? what do i like to eat? am i living in the country? near a lake? in the city or suburban area? how is my house decorated? do i have a studio in the house or a seperate building? am i outspoken, or more quiet and tactful? have i stayed true to my inner self? or made concessions to bring about my life? if so, why? all these questions are demanding answers. August has typically been a month of change for me - i've usually started/ended jobs in August, or gotten married, or moved - all in august. this year was no exception....my job ended, my friend Kita left us, and the every-so-many-decades questions started niggling. i have been lucky in my life to have met some incredible women of strength and courage and talent. women who carry an aura about them that draws people to them...i imagine meeting the Dali Lama would be on par with Polly - so regal with her tall, lithe form and long silvery hair tied back in a ponytail as she creates wonders of art. and Cher - so the earth mother...beautiful radiance with a get-it-done spirit - but not the hard-edged striving sort of get-it-done....just a sweet confidence in herself and such a giving spirit....joy found in watching/helping others find their voice artistically. Penny...my first real role model...a brilliant physical therapist....so keen and perceptive to the body and the spirit of her patients....quietly giving whatever is needed to help others - she once wrote a check to cover a girl's tuition, insisting that the girl never under any circumstances be told where the money came from. know anyone like that? the list goes on for me....admiration but not envy. a point of reference to know where to raise the bar. women who gladly offer bits of life, unknowingly, and change the pond by the ripples their acts of kindness and example set in motion. 1 small pebble can still create large ripples. i've worked in some very hard places. not necessarily "difficult," but hard in the way that closes your heart and makes your brain redirect the nasty stuff away. those redirects also prevent compassion. a person would be overwhelmed. little by little, it's grown back....compassion with boundaries, though. that's good. so back to who am i. i guess if i were to picture my ideal, physically, i would have long hair to tie back or braid. it would probably be silver (ok - grey) because coloring it is just a bother. i would wear long skirts and funky tops - very 60's - or jeans and baggy sweaters - cozy handknit sweaters. i would live in a very very large log house with a few wings. one end would be an art center and studios for people to come for a weekend retreat and create. private rooms, big windows letting in the light and the gorgeous scenery. it would definately be rural, and near a lake or river, or at least a large babbling stream. the backyard is huge - many acres - with 1/2 of it fenced for my dog, and dogs of visitors. the bottom floor of the house on the other side would be guest rooms for women who just need a place to be for a week or so....creative women, tired women, women on the verge of epiphany. a large main room dominates in-between the 2 wings. high vaulted cathedral ceilings with skylights. a large stone fireplace floor to ceiling on 1 end, comfy couches and tables throughout, and a large kitchen wiith a generous dining table - all done in Adirondack style. bold original artwork on the walls....reds, ambers, warm yellows prevail. the top floor is mine. open and loft-style, with 1 end my private studio...the other my bedroom and large bathroom. the smell of balsam permeates the house and grounds and sets the mood of peacefulness, rest and creativity. women gather for workshops in the studio end of the house, and share meals in the large dining room. so i guess, barring a lottery win, that may never come about. maybe. but, the spirit of all that it is - that can be reality. that can be woven into the fiber of the chick peck peck pecking at the shell, creating a new life, taking that first big breath of new air - allowing the change to come forth - allowing the life that began small and confined to test out new wings and take a few stumbling test flights and eventually live with the intent that was there for it from the beginning. L. ADDED: there is a comment posted that is not from a friend. please do not link to it - i have disabled that feature, but don't know if this link will crash your computer or is inappropriate. Don't go there, as they say! L.