a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Thursday, September 14, 2006

mountains & memories

i'm in vermont ....on one side of me are the Green Mountains (yes, like the coffee) and the other - Whiteface, Mt. Marcy, the Adirondacks. it's like being surrounded in a protective circle of mountains. the leaves are starting to turn a bit more than at home...fall has started it's trip down from the north already....slowly, the leaves begin to change - honey-colored, amber, pomegranate, firey red. it's almost an imperceptable change - in the daily bustle and rush, your mind's eye sees and glories in the colors, but they're almost blocked out by lists of chores and reminders and emails and cellphones. before you know, (huh - before you KNOW), it seems like 1 day and they blaze in their glory...the sunlight hitting them just right, a film of dew catching the rays like a dreamcatcher in a store window drawing you in. wow! beautiful. but just as you've begun to notice, they're gone. mixing on the streets with wet rain and cars, turning into a slippery mess, no longer the glory they were just 2 days ago even. pay attention, life's a lot like that. miss a moment - well, you've missed it. i't's 6:53am, and I'm sitting in the hotel lobby with my hair straight on end, no shower yet. just came out for free lobby coffee and a smoke. yesterday we changed rooms. they'd booked us into a 1 bedroom suite - remarkably with no dresser! i travel heavy. we were going to move to a hotel down the street that only had a 2-level penthouse available (such a shame!), but this hotel upgraded us free and we have a 2-bedroom suite with 2 dressers and a kitchen. okay, i'll forgo the gas fireplace for more shopping money. previous to my "life change"2 years ago, i spent my life avoiding the things i feared - a full time job all in itself - my fears seemed real and were abundant....i feared large bodies of water (anything larger than a swimming pool), i feared most social situations - even with friends sometimes, i feared leaving my house from time to time. 2 years ago, i said enough. i took time off work to recharge my fried brain, and relax. during that summer, i decided i would do 1 scary thing every week, and 1 fun thing every week. the fun things often involved doing a scary thing - like a road trip to a new quilt shop or a felting workshop (by myself) in Auburn. (that was actually just at the end of the summer i think). i learned to kayak. there i was, barely able to fit into this plastic tube of a vessel - anything flotational strapped to my body - about to head out into the deep scary waters of.....the Seneca River. woo-hoo! i figured the river was like an old friend, since it was right behind my house. it would never hurt me. if it did, it would be forced to stare in the direction of my house for all eternity knowing what it had done. i did it - i loved it, and continue to have a respect for the water, but the incredible places i've been - that i would have missed - had i not taken that step. i stepped out to conquer fear #2, heart pounding, sweatin'like a whole church....which, speaking of, is where i went. i hadn't even been able to go to church, fearing a panic attack would leave me running for the door (you're supposed to fear God, not the people, right?). i went. i lived. i also learned that church is not for me. i have an idea, a feeling, a solid as the Green Mountains knowledge of what God is for me. it is an unshakable and permeating thing. it just is. and no church so far matches up with that. i feel church in the woods, or on Lake Ontario. so, fear #2 faced - not entirely conquered, but faced. i won't bore you with the details of my minute-by-minute progress, but suffice it to say, i began to see how these fears were limiting me - had imprisoned me - had made me dependant. once i saw that, it was me against fear. i conjured an image of personified fear - i gave fear a face, and a body, and made it into a real person (pay no attention to the man behind that curtain). once i "knew my enemy"the rest became easier. i've tried to sculpt "fear"but need a bit more sculpting instruction. actually, a lot more. so knowing all this, knowing how i feared feared feared water, knowing that the only way i could live my life was to control it - to manage the unknown before it happened - to be hyper-prepared - you might chuckle and wonder how i made it from NY state to Vermont on the ferry? driving heavy cars onto a flotational vehicle - and yes, the tractor trailer WAS right next to us. as i started to feel a little skip & jump in my heartrate, as i remembered all the ferries that had spilled over and sunk, i noticed we were surrounded by the Green Mountains and the Adirondack Mountains...a circle of protection - a talisman against anything bad. and i noticed the colors of the leaves on the opposite shores....amber, golden mustardy colors mixed with pomegranate and fiery red. and it took my breath away. and i thought, if this is my last sight before i go, it was a good ride. then i just saw the leaves and forgot about the fears and concerns and i breathed a deep lungful of fresh, crisp Vermont air as the boat hit the pilons and docked safely. .....L

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