a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Saturday, September 09, 2006

early mornings

aren't early mornings just the best? i mean, where i am in life type early mornings- no late nights the nights before spent dangling on a bar stool with a smile pasted on my face making small talk with some inappropriate guy i'm sure i just fell in love with...way past the teen angst stage- holding the phone to my ear with numbed fingers listening to the love of my young life breathe and hoping my parents don't pick up the extension and find out i'm still up not talking on the phone to some inappropriate kid from science class. yeah - the one who only shows up from time to time and sets his socks on fire with the lighter for the bunson burner. that one. or a night spent waiting in a dark apartment, car hidden around the block - that defiant "no, stupid, i didn't wait here all night for you to show up 3 hours late with an excuse as thin as the smoke from my twenty-second cigarette of the night - i went out with someone else and now YOU can wonder" scenario. the cat playing shadow tag with headlight beams through the blinds - headlights from other cars dropping off voices with musical laughter brought home with warm memories and wrinkled shirts from a night of embraces. the faucet dripping into the cake plate in the sink. i always ate Sara Lee from a proper plate in situations like this. it just seemed right. less unintentional. a series of inappropriate men in my life. truly a James E. Strates show of love. it's funny, now, to think back on all the promises and excuses and blaming - was it me....was it him...now, as i approach the middle of this adventure called My Life (okay - i've made the approach, and have been cleared for landing - are you happy now?) the things that just tore me up and convinced me i'd never live through them - those are the very things i'm thankful for and even chuckle about now. for as devastating as it was for my 5th grade 1st boyfriend to dump me for the new girl from New Jersey with the go-go boots, eventually you move on. at 48, you can't hold onto that hurt. :) but seriously, my favorite quote - okay - ONE of my favorite quotes: That which does not destroy us will empower us. Winston Churchill knew his shit. at least he was good for a sound bite. so my rambling early morning point of the day is that i've learned not to panic and get all chaotic at the drop of a hat. the worse things get, the more i plan. the more lists i make. more importantly - while i'm going through the hurt and chaos of whatever disappointed or tragedy has crossed my karma, i know i can get through it and i know i'll be a stronger person. each one of the so-called tragedies i felt growing up (and i'm still growing up) - i was sure that it would drag me under. but from the viewpoint of the "after" picture, i made it. and i can use that time as a reference point to teach myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not always a train. that if i was able to survive such-and-such, then this will be survivable too. "this" being whatever. "whatever" being dependant on the hormonal climate du jour.....don't let them kid you - being at the age of dealing with PMS and peri-menopause at the same time/different days, is not for the faint of heart. someone up there is getting a good laugh outta this, and when my time comes, i'll be skiddin' up to the pearly gates with a "fear this" t-shirt on - hershey bar in one hand, bag of chips in the other, and a look in my eye. yep - THAT look. hey - get up early tomorrow - make a cup of coffee or tea, sit outside quietly, or inside by an open window if you can. just listen. the birds. the smells - morning smells so much more wonderful. don't make a list of things you have to do that day. just be there. at that moment. now THAT'S what life is all about. l.

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