every evening i plan to sit and write an epic post about how my life is going (good) and how diva is doing (good) and how productivity is going in my studio (meh) but by the time i get home and walk the dog and make some dinner and get my school clothes ready for the next day, and maybe lunch ... it's time for bed.  and bedtime is earlier every day, it seems.  7pm, 8pm are sometimes feeling like midnight.  right now, i am getting tapped on by diva, the cat is swirling around my shoulders, i haven't eaten yet and husband just flew out of Chicago and will be home around 9.  past my bedtime.  but i should stay up to say welcome home.  i have SO MUCH news to share, and i promise to do that tomorrow.  Saturday latest.  don't hate me.

in my last post i promised to add some additional thoughts, and i never came back...too tired, and honestly - there is nothing left to say.  other than i am disappointed.  and a dozen or so women i know are disappointed.  women in their 40's & 50's want a gathering of substance.  we don't want to search our hearts or discover our journey or have to search for meals.  we want modern conveniences, even in a rustic setting.  we want to go someplace and have OUR needs met for a change, and hang with like-minded women.  take quality workshops.  eat good food.  and a bubble bath - UNINTERRUPTED - would frost the cupcake!  make it close to transportation, but away from hustle & bustle, unless it's NYC or Boston! and give me a choice of accommodations - whether i want a roomie or enjoy the luxury of a room all to myself.  that's what i want, and i'm certain i speak for many.  now - to the shower.  wishing you a day of knowing your mind.

i'm so so disappointed in what has become of a once-thriving art workshop scene...just a few years ago, the hardest thing was to pick one!  the offerings were coast-to-coast, with venues in the woods, on a beach, beside the ocean, in a huge canvas tent...any way you wanted it.  and the teachers and classes - ooo la la! so hard to pick.  the past few years, though, have seen organizers get lazy.  they seem to be riding on their reputation, or the rep that the event has gotten.  classes are thin, prices are higher, offerings are fewer.  some organizers have closed their camps after many many years.  Teesha Moore was the Organizer Extraordinaire - actually, i think the first to gather women and art and let the magic happen.  others came, and went.  and then the rage was all about online classes.  they were cheaper - no travel - and more convenient.  but it's the gathering together that creates the magic.  but - women are not going to throw down $1000-$1500 plus travel, PLUS supplies to just to gather.  more than anyone, we know the value of a dollar and how far it has to stretch and how we want a value for it.  so i would ask anyone out there who is thinking of planning a retreat for women - do it right.  put your soul into it, not just make it a semi-obvious money grab.  we women need to gather.  it's how we're wired.  that's all i have to say right now, but will be back on this topic later tonight after work.

did i mention - i work 2 blocks-ish away from my new studio?  yes.  true story.  there is a specific bathroom i can go in and look out the huge 4th floor windows and see the top floor of the building where my little slice is.  i got a quick visit in today, when i went to an opening at the gallery.  my favorite people in the world were there, too.  i have to say that i have been feeling the least creative ever.  aside from Rabbit Rabbit, not much has been produced there.  i have ideas and dreams, but get there and just want to put some music on and dream.  this weekend will be my time, though.  husband leaves for the west coast on sunday, and i plan a full day in the studio working on a little niggling idea.  there just isn't a lot of time after work - diva needs me!  but i'm not getting frustrated about it...just letting it flow and seeing where it will take me.  the cool thing is that one of the most special people in my life has a brand new office that practically shares a parking lot with my studio.  all attempts at a full night's sleep have been sabotaged by bulimia cat this past week, so i'm off to Z-Quil land tonight and tomorrow.  i've been a zombie at work, and that's not a great way to impress.
wil let you know the deets on studio time!

what i learned

so i guess it is still possible at this advanced age to learn something new.  and 3 things at that!  all in a day.  diva dog's near miss with the vet made me pull up, sit down and stop.  just stop.  do a check in with the swirl of debris surrounding me like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown.  see what needs to be filtered...see what needs to be held and looked at...see what needs a psychic shop vac to suck it away.  and here is the A#1 thing that I can share with you...actually the top 3...

#1...You will always find what you are looking for.  Look for the good, and you will find it.  Look for the bad, and you will find that.

#2...Always always trust yourself to make the best and most rightest decisions for yourself when it comes to the Self things.  no one else can do it for you.  do not be afraid.  and refuse to make those decisions for anyone else.

#3...The best words to hear are simply "I'm so sorry."  Period.  do not let someone else's time of need become your opportunity to tell your story.  and along those lines, don't ask what you can do.  just do it if you feel it.  (and chicken soup goes a long way.)

so that's it for now.  diva is being her old self...leaping for her leash, running the trails...as if to prove it was the best day of her life.  i know it's mine.

it is saturday morning.  and very very late last night, after my husband uttered the words "you don't have to do this, you know,"  after my swollen eyes had truly become mere slits and my face was stiff with tears that had dried and rewet my face between layers of puppy kisses...very much after that as i held my throbbing head with one hand and breathed in the scent of a paw holding my other...i decided again.  not caring that i just spent days wailing in print...feeling badly that i took a day off from my new job but not letting that factor into such a final decision...i re-decided that it was not the right timing for me or for diva.  she rallied somewhat remarkably yesterday - trotting along the trails and hopping up and down from her spot on the sofa like a champ...in general, acting in a way that would make me question the timing of such a decision.  and i know from experience that the questioning can haunt and haunt, and make a sad situation into a lingering & intolerable sleepless existence.  so, diva stays with me on this plane for now.  she isn't suffering any obvious pain...she is slower but we all are....she is suffering from Canine Cognitive Disorder, which is the doggie rendition of sundowning.  but I believe that is something we can work through.  whether it's for another day or week, month or year.  i will be grateful for even one more night with her.  and grateful to each of you for your warm hugs and kind words from close up and from afar.  now to hug my bug.

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

1418

tissue alert.

1,418 posts since I began this little stream-of-consciousness letter to whomever stopped by.  wow.  many years.  many twists and turns.  much much growth and drama and stretches of boringness and philosophical thoughts and rants and rages and threats and sharing of heart friends and love-liness.  and waay back when, this little blog was started to pour out my heart after losing my best mandog ever, Kita.  i still miss him so.  and then Bear.  and on saturday, my diva will join them to romp the fields of Heaven.  i have to believe that vision, or it would just be impossible.  i'm taking tomorrow off from my new job.  yes, i know, just 4 days in.  but a job will always be there, and a puppy heart won't.  i wasn't much good today at work, with eyes swollen nearly shut.  as i left for the day, i knew there was just no way i would ever forgive myself for not spending the day with her.  not something a do-over would be possible on.  i called and left a garbled, soggy message and i know they'll understand.  if not, then they don't deserve me as an employee.  but i think they are good. and i hope my diva will understand.  she's been at grammies all week, and seems to be sliding some.  i owe her her final dignity for all the love and kisses and snuggles she's given me throughout the years.  many of you don't know that she started her life out as a bait dog.  when i got her, she weighed 7 lbs., had no hair and was all sorts of a mess. many surgeries and hugs later, she came to be the cranky, snappy dog you knew.  but she was all love to me.
so i will ask for your prayers Saturday morning, and that's really all i can bear to say now.

so this is how it will be

i guess a bi-monthly check-in is probably the best i'll be able to manage for a while...some swirling about going on...most good.  tomorrow, i start (another) new job, and am uber-hopeful that this will be The One for a while.  it's right down the street from my studio, and i could somewhat walk it during the day, if i had to.  like, if there were free donuts waiting at the end of the line.  but it's a super scary neighborhood after dusk, so there won't be much walking.  but it is just a 2 minute car ride, so i could pop over on lunch and nap or meditate or even paint if i wanted.  so the New Studio and New Job are good things.  i've already made some art in the space, although i'm really diggin the set-up portion of this adventure...interior design, new coffee maker, etc.  All stuff gifted! i want to keep it spare and uncluttered, as opposed to my home studio which has Special Items everywhere.  Today, i'll spend the afternoon down there, then probably won't make it back till next weekend.  and that may be a pass, too - i believe next weekend may be time for diva dog to go meet Kita across the Rainbow Bridge.  I have been putting it off for months.  she isn't sick, and not in any obvious pain other than her hips, but her dementia and failing eyesight/hearing have got to make her stressed.  every time i make up my mind to go, she rallies.  but she has been getting incrementally worse in the past few weeks.  a vet told me that "it's time when they require so much special care that it intrudes into your life."  at first i thought that was the least compassionate statement...intrudes into my life, indeed.  but then i realized what she meant.  animals are wired differently - any show of weakness makes them a target in the wild, and though our pets have been domesticated, they still have instincts imbedded.  and if i have to carry my pet up and down the stairs, and am kept up half the night with her pacing, and then sleep in a pretzel-twisted position in order to have my legs act as bumpers so she doesn't fall off the bed, well, maybe it has reached a point of being the kinder option.  she can't be enjoying herself too much when she is awake.  so it's been more my pre-grief that i've tried to come to terms with.  and i realized that i won't be able to, so it is time to do her the kindest kindness, to give her her dignity, and release her from her pain.  I know from my experience with Bear and with Kita that it will be a very very rough time.  although she has never been an easy dog - biting, growling, generally birth control - she has been my girl.  and she loves that pretty pink collar with jewels on it.  so i think i'll rub a little glitter into her coat before we go next week.  she will be at gramma's house this week, saying goodbye and having someone to watch out for her while i'm away at work.  as hard as it already is (i'm blubbering while i type now) i know i owe this to her for the companionship she's given me and the love she's given me.  and she'll take a million dried tears of mine with her, from years of crying into her coat.  and hopefully i've done okay by her.  and hopefully i will have the courage i need to send her on her way to play...

ok while i'm waiting for my grey roots to become brown, because the chances of being interviewed by someone shorter than me is slim....another quick post.

yesterday i met (up close) my new bff in flight - Fontaigne...

never realized how freaking smart these birds are till we met.  when she comes out of her cage, she goes over to the cabinets and starts opening them using the knobs (looking for a treat).  she has a broken wing that cannot be repaired, so she'll be around for life, pecking at anything knee height or lower.  actually, just above the knee.  nurse!

in other news, recent news, like just now news - it seems Fontaigne may be smarter than me!  I accidentally set my phone timer to 10 hours instead of 10 minutes!  not horrible if you're baking a cake - i mean, you'll smell it burn.  but when you're coloring your grey roots for an incredibly important job interview in the morning, whew, i gotta say this about tops it all.  add in the near hurricane winds predicted for the day, and this may be a competition best-effort to get there.  darn it with the timer thing...what the heck anyway??  i only say "darn" in case my new employer googles my name and reads this blog post.  but i really had other more sinful words on the very tip of my tongue.  and for real, guys. haven't i had enough already with these little tricks?

so go here and meet my other new friend - not in flight.  well, maybe in flight - her work is just gorjus.  this is a very small peek, and i must say that what i see in her studio makes me weep.  why do you think i'm working??  to buy her artwork.  and AND to pay for my *drum roll* studio!  more later....cross your fingers please

my motto for the year:  if it feels good & right, do more of it.  If it feels bad, do less of it.

i still contend that my Intention Word for 2013 is correct: reset.  As in hearts, lives, beliefs, paths & journeys.  reset - going back, re-doing it the right way, starting over from scratch, throwing out the baby and the bathwater and moving forward - lighter & leaner & truer.  getting back on course from the drift.  un-softening your eyes for a bit to see if where you drifted was where you deep down darn-it want to be, or if it is just the popular place to be.  big word, "reset."

so many friends' tightly held truths slipping to the ground and crashing into bits ...so many friends telling of being sideswiped by a reality they never saw, or chose not to see, or saw fully but chose not to believe...that feeling in your gut that was pushed aside - now seems relevant and true...and as grateful  as we women are for our "women's intuition," how quick we are to ignore or not trust it...how many times we doubt what we should believe.  i am finding that i have little patience for the same old song and dance, and am not accepting hurtful, lax or bad behavior into my realm any longer.  no excuses allowed.  friendship is hard work, and i do accept that many have long periods of time where the mental effort of a conversation (in person, on the phone or in print) is just too much to bear. i raise my hand to this also.  however - a quick "xox" response takes nothing, and is everything sometimes.
oy another rant.  it's just that i am very often the repository for people's pain...and i often unwittingly hear both sides of a commotion, so i know who did what to whom.  and sometimes it just comes down to hurt feelings that could have been avoided if the most basic communication had been employed.  and sometimes it's that you put off what should be most important to you:  communication with those who's heart is tethered to yours.  or vise versa.
this year, i believe i will see, and hear of, many heartstrings being cut...many women simply saying "enough" and cutting ties with those women who have taken their friendship as a given, and not nurtured it properly.  There is no "business as usual" within a friendship - it is an ever-changing organic thing.  add hormones to the mess, and you really need to feed the monster (ever see Little Shop of Horrors?)
so comparing a sweet, wonderful, thoughtful friendship to an out-of-control weed...?  well yes.  get past.  i assure you if we email, we are friends.  and i am a constant communicator, so beware.  i don't often expect an epic missive in reply, but i do expect a response within a few days, unless accident or illness prevents.  i do.  and if you are no longer interested in how i am, or what i do, that is certainly your choice  - i don't pretend to be the world's Most Interesting Person, and you may need more excitement in your attachments.  simply don't respond, and from this point forward, i will consider us acquaintances, rather than friends (you can't "un-know" someone).
I say all this because female friendships are so so important, and we are wired for them.  as far back as cavewomen time - the men went out to kabong dinner over the head, and the women stayed behind together doing the laundry or whatever they did back then.  women have always gathered.  and whether the gathering is of two or three, or 20 or 200, there is a release of spirit that comes when we gather...a sprinkling of golden light that surrounds like-minded women gathered together for the purpose of enjoying one another's company and learning from each other.  each woman has a purpose in the group - whether it be teacher, learner (yes - "learner" is a purpose),  edifier, whatever...you've seen it, felt it.  and the further from home you gather, the closer to your deepest Self you are able to get to.  that's where the gold is.  the gathering cannot be forced or repeated exactly ever again.  each person in each moment will never not ever be the same, so each moment will never be the same.  does that make sense?  There was a retreat i went to one year, and decided to return the following year because the experience was so over the top.  guess what? it was a letdown at first because it wasn't the same.  of course, silly rabbit! i realized this truth - that each moment holds it's own magic, never to be repeated - and accepted the week for what it was, all on it's own.  the following years had an artificial ring to them - a trying too hard to be the first year, so i stopped going.  maybe it was just time for me to wander elsewhere, and that's where the feeling came from.  and that happens too - both in physical spaces, or in friendships...sometimes it's just time to bid a fond farewell.
i'm not sure why this tangent took me here, but there is a reason, and i hope you hear the message if it was for you.
for me?  right now i have a furry Diva Dog at my feet who wants to go for a Big Walk in the balmy drippy day.  so off we will go - her wish is my command.
love each other today...



that's all for now

well, my studio is pretty much gutted & packed away - except for my painting stuff, collage stuff, and jewelry stuff.  which is a lot of stuff still.  but all the rusty metal and wood and goo-gaws for assemblage are packed away.  there was too much stuff, and i needed to make room for my little twin daybed that replaced my papasan chair in the reading corner.  i like the twinny so much better - fat folk should not endeavor to get in or out of a papasan.  just sayin.  (side note - PSD bought me a shirt that says Fat Amy Is My Homegirl!  love it!  watch Perfect Pitch).  but anyway.  i now have room on my worktable to do little collages and make my journal books and Special Phrase books.  Just.Loving.It.  My job was a 1-week wonder.  after a week of diva being at Camp Grandma, and me sleeping on the twinny to avoid the snore-a-saurus, i decided that at this point in my life, there was no need for this type of life modification for Any Reason, mortgage, surgery, sailboat, hell or high water included.  so i let them know that i knew that it was not a good fit for me.  or them.  and poof was gone.  lovely company.  excellent pay & bennies.  not for me getting up at 4:30am and driving an hour.   am still diggin the twinny though.  it's like camping out.  a little short, but i curl up.  so if you want an awesome papasan, it's for sale.  the pattern above.  they aren't making them anymore, so it's a real collectors item!  for those who've asked, diva is hanging in there - she doesn't seem to be in pain, but also doesn't seem to be real with it a lot of the time.  especially at night.  it's like sundowning in alzheimer's patients, almost. when the evening comes, she paces and paces and seems like she's lost.  very difficult.  but then the next morning she seems normal for an old lady.  difficult decisions.
okay - off to make 5 ATC's about fairy tales.  now what would i know about fairy tales?? *teehee*

yes, i know

i know i said i was packing up and moving on, and most likely you have left this little scrap of cyberspace, and i'm sitting in an empty room talking to myself.  probably.  most likely.  however and still...
you know me.  you know i am a compulsive sharer.  you knew weeks ago that i'd never not ever be able to not be back.  and you knew better than I did, because i was sure i was done.  and maybe i should remain done.  maybe my rants have grown cynical.  maybe my point of view on some matters makes people uncomfortable.  maybe.  and if so, thank goodness i'm alone in this room talking to myself.  Because i strongly and fully believe that each person has a right to believe what they may.  and even when proof and common sense and their gut tells them otherwise, they have a right to go forth in whatever direction they decide.
i think i decided to cut our conversations short last month because i was about to reach a breaking point, a pinnacle, and didn't want to spew the nasty bits here to sit forevermore.  but i'm past the bursting point, and on to the part where the deflated begins to rise again, hopefully not overfill once more.  and after the explosion burnt ears here, and after tears and wails and wringing of hands and all manner of dramatic motion ceased, it was time to examine the bits left behind and decide what to take back to the lab, and what to leave behind for the earth to reclaim.
and here is what i kept...still in disheveled form, but a quick inventory of most items and a longer look at a few....
i put too much salt into what some others were serving, taking at face value that what they were saying (for a fee) was what their heart brought forth.  it wasn't.  it was just a really cool come-on for their rent money.  and once i realized this, the set of dominos began to tip and totter and fall (first slowly, tip tip tip, then with a thundering CLACK CLACK CLACK) and I became glad that I'd bought the books but not the ideas but freaked out at what could have been (and what actually IS for some i know as they grasp for any straw, any hand to pull them from quicksand).  and that brought me toe-to-toe with an anger, the force of which i have never not ever felt, and equally saddened me to feel such a thing and scared me that i could.
everything.shifted.
i sank into a depression so deep, i tell you, so deep that i began to enjoy it - it was easy just floating in it...the days the nights became one and there was nothing to care about...let the sellers and the buyers work it out.  it all swirled like a lava light stew around me.  till one day i knew i needed to grab a hand to pull me out...a hand much like the one i'd offered time and time again.  and i reached out - hard for me to do when things get that bleak - and...nothing.  no returned calls.  no returned emails.  a silence so loud it sent a concussion of force through the goop and i broke away.  and i stood.  and set about making evaluations and changes about who i would let close to me and who i needed to keep at a distance and who i needed to turn from altogether.  and i tell you this, raw and nakedly and in truth, because you need to know that there is a lot of sugar-coating out there on meat that has gone bad.  there are those that want you to follow them, but they do not have a map.  and i beg you to trust your gut.  i beg you to know that you are all you need.  if a friendship costs you $99 then back off.  we are all here as equals - i am no better, you are no better, and neither is worse than the other.  i may have a gift that you don't because my journey calls for that.  and your gift is for your journey.  different. equal.  and i promise you that you will never not ever have to take my workshop in order to be my friend.  i promise friendship is much harder than that, and much easier than that.
Like the voicemail says: "I've made some changes for 2013.  Leave a message.  If i don't get back to you, you're one of the changes."

it's time

it is truly time to fold this blog into my arms and tuck it away for a grand sleep.   When i began blogging oh-so-many years ago, it was to try to write out the deepest pain squeezing my heart from the loss of my dearest Kita.  (i still feel him beside me when uncertainty stalls my feet).   As years past, i shared my heart, my day-to-day, my triumphs, disasters, heartbreaks, deep thoughts, goofy stuff i should probably delete, and just anything that wanted to leap onto "the page."  There are meditative messages... some that still await you.
But it just feels like the time has come for a break.  I am about to leap into a whole new life, which will not allow for proper posting, and it is just time to say good evening to this log of events.
I appreciate the comments, emails, support more than you could ever know.  And i hope many of you will join me on my new journey into Magic!
it will be so very good.
wishing you each the courage to continue your journey, the friends to help you over the rocky spots, and hearts open enough to accept where the road leads you....be well, do well.

I stand.

In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"^[1]) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual's liminal stage, participants "stand at the threshold" between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.

one last thing...

yoga tuesday...zumba last night...what the heck??? well, that's what my body is saying.  so i've noticed recently how boring this blog has gotten, and am wondering if perhaps it's time to seal it up and shut it down.  maybe I've run out of witty things to say, or deep thoughts to think.  I refuse to let it become an advertising vehicle for self-promotion.  i hate when i've seen that happen.  so here's what i think...i'm going to lay off till the first week of January, and see what happens then.  There are some Big Things popping that you deserve to hear about, having traveled with me this far.  and it has been a journey, hasn't it?  So right after my show opens january 2nd (SHAMELESS!), i'll let you know big secrets and little steps and huge leaps into the uncharted and possibly fantastic waters.  meantime - pray for me.  and i will for you.
Wishing you deep and sincere prayers from friends whose hearts beat in tandem with yours. poofpoof poofpoof poofpoof

beans beans beans beans

so.  my recent annual checkup - not so good.  after quitting smoking, i added on weight like it was my job.  full time job.  and it appears i wasn't picky about what i filled the sack with, though i have no real memories of eating junkie junk (except the apple pie incident at thanksgiving).  but i must have because my cholesterol matches the national debt.  and my triglycerides?  circling the moon.  everything else pretty much fell on the bad side of good.  so the other day i went for my OTHER annual physical.  and my gyn suggested a dvd called Forks Over Knives...in other words eating well vs. surgery.  The documentarians were well-respected docs - one from right down the road at Cornell University.  And they purport a vegan diet as the Way It Should Be.  (I don't disagree, especially after a hideous nightmare i had many years ago involving a slaughterhouse.  All i can say about that is Do Not read books by Temple Grandin just before bed.)  But how?  it seems a lot harder than shoving a frozen lasagna in the oven after a horribly long day.  the prep work seems deliriously protracted and involved, and requiring much forethought - buying fresh veggies almost daily, etc.  what.  do you even think i could make this a lifestyle?? i can't keep a plant alive, let alone myself.  and to think my cooking choices trickle down on the welfare of the family.  (very dramatic, yes?) So what to do what to do.  and can i honestly think that i'll base my life on vegetables?  i mean, i WANT to, but in practice...?  just a whiff of Dinosaur BBQ makes me quiver.  decisions decisions.  and a plant-based diet seems like it would be uber expensive to maintain.  is anyone out there a vegetarian or vegan?  give me some insight please...i don't want to go on Lipitor or any of those drugs.  i won't, in fact.

the most wonderful time of the year

welllll, for many.  for others - it's a foot race with a cement block tied to your ankle and googly glasses on...hard to see your way clear through jingly bells and cinnamon smells and happy happy joy joy all around.  and even though obligations may fill a calendar, it's the pillow that calls loudest.  and on the flip side, this is the time of holiday parties and cookie parties and gatherings - how much more lonesome is a clear calendar.  Please keep a special lookout for those who may be struggling this time of the year...be sure to include them...reach out a hand, invite them out for a latte, or just chat on the phone.  a well-timed email can mean so much.  and even if they decline, it feels so good to be asked, doesn't it?
wishing you each soft days......