a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.

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Sunday, January 13, 2013

yes, i know

i know i said i was packing up and moving on, and most likely you have left this little scrap of cyberspace, and i'm sitting in an empty room talking to myself.  probably.  most likely.  however and still...
you know me.  you know i am a compulsive sharer.  you knew weeks ago that i'd never not ever be able to not be back.  and you knew better than I did, because i was sure i was done.  and maybe i should remain done.  maybe my rants have grown cynical.  maybe my point of view on some matters makes people uncomfortable.  maybe.  and if so, thank goodness i'm alone in this room talking to myself.  Because i strongly and fully believe that each person has a right to believe what they may.  and even when proof and common sense and their gut tells them otherwise, they have a right to go forth in whatever direction they decide.
i think i decided to cut our conversations short last month because i was about to reach a breaking point, a pinnacle, and didn't want to spew the nasty bits here to sit forevermore.  but i'm past the bursting point, and on to the part where the deflated begins to rise again, hopefully not overfill once more.  and after the explosion burnt ears here, and after tears and wails and wringing of hands and all manner of dramatic motion ceased, it was time to examine the bits left behind and decide what to take back to the lab, and what to leave behind for the earth to reclaim.
and here is what i kept...still in disheveled form, but a quick inventory of most items and a longer look at a few....
i put too much salt into what some others were serving, taking at face value that what they were saying (for a fee) was what their heart brought forth.  it wasn't.  it was just a really cool come-on for their rent money.  and once i realized this, the set of dominos began to tip and totter and fall (first slowly, tip tip tip, then with a thundering CLACK CLACK CLACK) and I became glad that I'd bought the books but not the ideas but freaked out at what could have been (and what actually IS for some i know as they grasp for any straw, any hand to pull them from quicksand).  and that brought me toe-to-toe with an anger, the force of which i have never not ever felt, and equally saddened me to feel such a thing and scared me that i could.
everything.shifted.
i sank into a depression so deep, i tell you, so deep that i began to enjoy it - it was easy just floating in it...the days the nights became one and there was nothing to care about...let the sellers and the buyers work it out.  it all swirled like a lava light stew around me.  till one day i knew i needed to grab a hand to pull me out...a hand much like the one i'd offered time and time again.  and i reached out - hard for me to do when things get that bleak - and...nothing.  no returned calls.  no returned emails.  a silence so loud it sent a concussion of force through the goop and i broke away.  and i stood.  and set about making evaluations and changes about who i would let close to me and who i needed to keep at a distance and who i needed to turn from altogether.  and i tell you this, raw and nakedly and in truth, because you need to know that there is a lot of sugar-coating out there on meat that has gone bad.  there are those that want you to follow them, but they do not have a map.  and i beg you to trust your gut.  i beg you to know that you are all you need.  if a friendship costs you $99 then back off.  we are all here as equals - i am no better, you are no better, and neither is worse than the other.  i may have a gift that you don't because my journey calls for that.  and your gift is for your journey.  different. equal.  and i promise you that you will never not ever have to take my workshop in order to be my friend.  i promise friendship is much harder than that, and much easier than that.
Like the voicemail says: "I've made some changes for 2013.  Leave a message.  If i don't get back to you, you're one of the changes."

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've only been following you for a short time and am glad you're back. However, I'm not sure I understand what happened so I would sure like to hear more if you're able....

Denise Feldman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
her father's daughter said...

I'm not sure what happened to the comment left by Denise, but thank you Denise! And yes! I remember you!!

MB Shaw said...

You are a wonderful writer. I, for one, would hate to see you stop. And I am so sorry to hear about the depression. Been there. I get it. Just know that you are loved.
:)
xoxo

her father's daughter said...

xox to you MB...i love you back :)

mary lawrence said...

totally agree with MB!
xoxo