a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

my motto for the year:  if it feels good & right, do more of it.  If it feels bad, do less of it.

i still contend that my Intention Word for 2013 is correct: reset.  As in hearts, lives, beliefs, paths & journeys.  reset - going back, re-doing it the right way, starting over from scratch, throwing out the baby and the bathwater and moving forward - lighter & leaner & truer.  getting back on course from the drift.  un-softening your eyes for a bit to see if where you drifted was where you deep down darn-it want to be, or if it is just the popular place to be.  big word, "reset."

so many friends' tightly held truths slipping to the ground and crashing into bits ...so many friends telling of being sideswiped by a reality they never saw, or chose not to see, or saw fully but chose not to believe...that feeling in your gut that was pushed aside - now seems relevant and true...and as grateful  as we women are for our "women's intuition," how quick we are to ignore or not trust it...how many times we doubt what we should believe.  i am finding that i have little patience for the same old song and dance, and am not accepting hurtful, lax or bad behavior into my realm any longer.  no excuses allowed.  friendship is hard work, and i do accept that many have long periods of time where the mental effort of a conversation (in person, on the phone or in print) is just too much to bear. i raise my hand to this also.  however - a quick "xox" response takes nothing, and is everything sometimes.
oy another rant.  it's just that i am very often the repository for people's pain...and i often unwittingly hear both sides of a commotion, so i know who did what to whom.  and sometimes it just comes down to hurt feelings that could have been avoided if the most basic communication had been employed.  and sometimes it's that you put off what should be most important to you:  communication with those who's heart is tethered to yours.  or vise versa.
this year, i believe i will see, and hear of, many heartstrings being cut...many women simply saying "enough" and cutting ties with those women who have taken their friendship as a given, and not nurtured it properly.  There is no "business as usual" within a friendship - it is an ever-changing organic thing.  add hormones to the mess, and you really need to feed the monster (ever see Little Shop of Horrors?)
so comparing a sweet, wonderful, thoughtful friendship to an out-of-control weed...?  well yes.  get past.  i assure you if we email, we are friends.  and i am a constant communicator, so beware.  i don't often expect an epic missive in reply, but i do expect a response within a few days, unless accident or illness prevents.  i do.  and if you are no longer interested in how i am, or what i do, that is certainly your choice  - i don't pretend to be the world's Most Interesting Person, and you may need more excitement in your attachments.  simply don't respond, and from this point forward, i will consider us acquaintances, rather than friends (you can't "un-know" someone).
I say all this because female friendships are so so important, and we are wired for them.  as far back as cavewomen time - the men went out to kabong dinner over the head, and the women stayed behind together doing the laundry or whatever they did back then.  women have always gathered.  and whether the gathering is of two or three, or 20 or 200, there is a release of spirit that comes when we gather...a sprinkling of golden light that surrounds like-minded women gathered together for the purpose of enjoying one another's company and learning from each other.  each woman has a purpose in the group - whether it be teacher, learner (yes - "learner" is a purpose),  edifier, whatever...you've seen it, felt it.  and the further from home you gather, the closer to your deepest Self you are able to get to.  that's where the gold is.  the gathering cannot be forced or repeated exactly ever again.  each person in each moment will never not ever be the same, so each moment will never be the same.  does that make sense?  There was a retreat i went to one year, and decided to return the following year because the experience was so over the top.  guess what? it was a letdown at first because it wasn't the same.  of course, silly rabbit! i realized this truth - that each moment holds it's own magic, never to be repeated - and accepted the week for what it was, all on it's own.  the following years had an artificial ring to them - a trying too hard to be the first year, so i stopped going.  maybe it was just time for me to wander elsewhere, and that's where the feeling came from.  and that happens too - both in physical spaces, or in friendships...sometimes it's just time to bid a fond farewell.
i'm not sure why this tangent took me here, but there is a reason, and i hope you hear the message if it was for you.
for me?  right now i have a furry Diva Dog at my feet who wants to go for a Big Walk in the balmy drippy day.  so off we will go - her wish is my command.
love each other today...

that's all for now

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