a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.

____________________________________________________________________

Friday, February 15, 2013

it's just so damn hard. and that is the truth of the matter.  i know this now even more deeply than i suspected i ever knew it before.  we walked this morning, diva and i.  we walked her favorite walk through the woods, and the echo echo tunnel, past the lake and the second pond and the monkey tree and the rhododendron potty place...past the house that was Snickerdoodles & then George's and now a big dog lives there, but we don't know her name.  she sniffed the air and paused at different spots, staring.  i doubled over with the pain of it all and howled as hard and as loud as if i was giving birth, not caring if the owls fled from their perches or the crows sat silent for once.  just hard sounds from my gut.  not caring about making the sounds that came from caring so deeply.  after a time, she would look back at me and we'd continue on.  home now, and upstairs, she paces and i continue silent sobbing tears.  stepdaughter called up the stairs to check if i needed a hug.  i cannot express how much i adore her.  she could never disappoint me.
for a person used to granting wishes, i have so so many of my own today....
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish.....

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope this gets to you - I'm not a blogger or Facebook person so I hope I am navigating the technology correctly. I am rather cyber-shy; otherwise I probably would have commented earlier on how much I adore your blog (terrified when you said you might end it!), your acerbic wit and spot-on observations and (often hilarious) commentaries on what it is to be an artist, a woman and a multi-faceted personality (to name just a few topics). But I am moved to comment now because my heart is breaking for you and your Diva. I linked to your blog about a year and a half ago off the blog of a poet friend of mine during a time when I was still grieving the loss of my beloved Electra - feline wonder, true spiritual friend, daughter, teacher, bestower of unconditional love, understanding and compassion, old soul, companion for nearly nineteen years (more than a third of my life!). I honestly did not know how I would get through the unbearable pain and sense of loss - we were two old women growing old together. Then I read your ever so eloquent words about Kita from your first post - they brought me such comfort (even though they also brought me to tears!). I know that Electra and I came together for a reason as I suspect did you and Diva. Diva has been blessed to live out this life with such a caring, sensitive and compassionate woman. At Electra's funeral service, we read this from Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet": "Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance." I am sending you, along with heartfelt prayers, a link to a local artist (since you are an artist as well, you may already know her). She is a dog person and creates incredibly beautiful reliquaries for pets who have passed on: http://bwaltermetals.com/portfolio/?album=2&gallery=3
I'm sure you are holding your baby tonight and loving her with all that you are - I cannot imagine a greater gift than your love and presence to comfort her as she moves on from this life. I pray that as Diva finds peace, so, with time, that you too, will find peace as you cherish the time you two had together.

her father's daughter said...

with a depth of appreciation, i say thank you - your words are wrapped in such honesty and kindness, i feel we are joined spiritually. and thank you for the link to the local artist making reliquaries - they are gorgeous, and i always like to give space to local artists here. i send love back to your heart...thank you again.
linda