through the knothole backwards

so i'm through, and on to the other side, and i know, once again, how it feels to be birthed...through that dark tunnel, squozen, wondering if you'll make it, then AHH a breath of air. thank you all, for making a net of your hands and bearing me up, once again. this dark side, i guess, is as much a part of me as is the other parts (or so i re-realized from Jen Gray's blog...an eye opener, and a forever-grateful moment) and although i don't particularly like that part of me, the realization that it is just a "part" and not the defining sum, well, that certainly makes me relax quite a bit and not panic quite as much. rather than speak in flowery, figure-this-out language, i'll just call it by name: depression. i've wrestled with it forever, it seems. for a while, in my 20's and a bit in my 30's, i was able to banish it. the price was paid in my mid-40's when it came back furious as hell and wanting revenge. of course, working at 911 certainly did little to help that. i finally stopped arguing and gave in, trading my job for my pillow, and a prescription. the brief time i spent taking the prescription was good...and bad. i needed help to get out of the "cycle" or rut of expecting to be depressed. not sad. depressed. i could be laughing & happy-looking, but inside i was absolutely devastatingly empty....and the awareness of that emptyness is what made me depressed even more. so yes, it was good to take a medication to stop that so i could get my footing back. it was bad because of the tremendous weightgain it brought about...a side effect that was known to the doctor, but never mentioned. so as i went from size 4 to a 6 to an 8, then 10, i panicked and felt even worse about myself. i began to get a bit anorexic in my habits, but the weight stayed put. after finding out that my physician knew this could happen, but didn't warn me...the anger piled on. which caused me to sit up & take control of my healthcare a bit better, which meant changing ALL my doctors. so anyway, this is getting long & tedious. i just wanted to say these things: Thank you my great good friends, for not giving up on me time & again, and even when i may have gotten a bit frustrated if the situation were reversed. And: depression is what it is...it doesn't define you in whole...it doesn't make you a better or worse person...you are still who you are, and depression is part of that. if you were miserable to be around before, then you are an absolute bastard to be around while you're depressed, so try to be a better person when you aren't depressed. practice. And: surround yourself with friends that are family. better than family. i am so incredibly blessed by my friends. And: when depression slinks it's way in, keep a small private spot to yourself that KNOWS This Won't Last. because it won't. it can't. the other parts of you will get bored waiting for their turn, and one day, something will overtake the bad part and it will melt like the wet bad witch that it is. so hang on. call that friend-till-the-end. call me. i will care. so that's it on this topic for now. *********** today's day brought windy, blowing snow, which for some reason pleases me. i love watching it...had a blast walking diva in it...don't have any urge to drive in it though...i'm very excited about xc-skiing this year...and my other neighbor is all over the snowshoe idea, so there you have it. distractions to keep my heart from hating the drifts. the cardinals at the feeder are absolutely mesmerizing...their bright scarlet against the brilliant snow is breathtaking. we put corn out for the squirrels and they sit there eating it with their tails curled around them like fur coats. diva went out on the back deck and just stood there like a snow dog staring at this 1 squirrel. no bad intention or stalker in her, and the squirrel must have known...they were about 2 feet apart and the squirrel was just relaxed & chowing. she came in with inches of snow piled on her. of course a quick shake & it was off...and covering the kitchen floor. oy. i'm off to work on CrowWoman. enjoy y'all! L.