a plan

(a pre-apology for the wacky fonts and bolds and spacing - i'm not sure what blogger has up it's sleeve, but after 30 minutes, i can't fix it, so be prepared)

I had a dream & I heard music & there were children standing around, but no one was dancing. I asked a little girl, why not? & she said they didn't know how, or maybe they used to but they forgot & so I started to hop up & down & the children asked me, Is that dancing? & I laughed & said, no, that's hopping, but at least it's a start & soon everyone was hopping & laughing & it didn't matter any more that no one was dancing.
-Brian Andreas StoryPeople


I'm halfway through the book The Power Of Habit, and I think I may have a plan for my smoking.  I'm not going to quit.  Correct.  But,  one of my fears about quitting has always been the weight gain (went from size 6 to 12 in a month last time).  That got me thinking about joining a gym first, or figuring out a way to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine.  Standing or sitting in one place all day while i work, has made me sluggish and chunky.  and it isn't the shape of my exterior that has me all stressed - fabulous people come in all sizes, as do hateful people.  it's the fact that getting heavier means buying new clothes to fit, and i just restocked the local Goodwill in my recent closet purge.  and i'd much rather spend money on other things.  so the two things will work together...i will continue to smoke BUT - only after I've taken a brisk 30 minute walk and drink a glass of water.  the walk/water rule will allot me 2 cigarettes.  whenever i want them...two in a row, or spaced over an hour, two hours, etc.  but after those two are smoked, another walk/water break must be started.  this could work.  i believe it can.  and i am asking for all good thoughts and prayers.
why walking? well, first of all, i live in the woods, basically, and am surrounded by beautiful smells and sights and nature and all good things, which includes trails through those woods. if i have to get in my car to go to a gym or yoga studio every time i want to exercise, it won't happen. history has proven that to me. but walking the trails - instant. open the door an start putting one foot in front of the other. and then there's Sam & Mary. when I was growing up, we lived in an apartment complex for a time. not just any apartment complex...this one was still being built, and was one of the nicest ones around...an address to be proud of in it's time. and there seemed to be an unwritten qualifier to the application that you needed to be Jewish. I know, but it was a different time. we nicknamed the place Hanukkah Heights. but there was an older couple that lived there, Sam & Mary, that I've always remembered. not because Sam guarded the gate to the pool, and not for their heavy German accent, or the number tattoos on their arms, or because Mary would turn the garden hose on us when we were misbehaving & in range. They were old & sedentary. and Sam was told he would die soon, due to his inactivity and heart problems. this was waaay before Plavix and pills to control just about anything that befell you. "walk," his doctor told him. so every morning, Sam would walk. a few yards at first, then the loop around the apartment complex, then up and down the road and around the apartment complex. every single day. and soon Mary joined him. Their walk was their life. they walked incessantly. and years went by, and Sam & Mary were still walking...not laid to rest, as their doctor had forewarned. but healthy and with as much speed and stamina as us kids. (almost). this was also long before organized commercial gyms and fitness centers and spas. just one foot in front of the other. every single day. Sam would be around for many years to torment us at the pool, "Sign in your name!" he'd gruffly yell at us when we approached the gate. He took his job, and his walk, very seriously. so i think walking will be the thing.
the cool thing about this book is that it shows the relationship between the cue, the action, and the reward. i'm hoping that the healthier walking habit will replace the smoking habit for a relaxation payoff. i've identified my cues - when i'm more apt to smoke a lot - and if i can respect myself enough to stay with the plan, then this could just work. i have a tendency to give myself permission to cheat. but the additional reward of saving for a Paris trip in 1 year will be added incentive. i'm going to dust off my high school French, and sign up for a French class at the local adult ed, in order to make it more real. (did you know i wanted to be a french teacher when i was in high school? thank you, Madam Whorrall for making it seem so possible). I've calculated the cost of each cigarette, and will put the amount i've saved each day into a special account to watch it grow. my husband did that when he quit tobacco, and is saving for a boat.
so that's my plan. nothing else has worked. this will. i just know it. Plus, diva will get her daily walk earlier in the day so i don't feel guilty about walking without her. this is to be a brisk walk, and there's nothing brisk about her daily walk anymore.
wish me belief ....