authentic

so my word for the year was "authentic." in my mind, this meant living true to my heart and my values and my hopes and my dreams - you get the picture. well, can i tell you? sometimes you don't really know what you're getting into with a word. a word sometimes has a mind of it's own. like the adage "choose your words carefully," i have learned that you need to think carefully about words. they are coyote tricky. this week, i learned some things about myself. authentic things. things i didn't know were lurking somewhere in the basement of my brain, near the boiler room, in a creepy cobweb closet. i learned that i can have some very not-so-nice feelings towards people. feelings so visceral that they literally lay me flat with illness. i have noticed that when i meet someone, there are 1 of 3 reactions...either an instant chemistry, or a neutral hi-how-are-you, or a full out visceral dislike. and in the third category, i never really know why i have that instant wariness / get away from this person feeling, but it almost as dense as a foam cushion...it's like a sip of curdled milk. and there has been a person in my small, tiny office room that has activated that in me since she began in our department. i have tried to sit and think of good things about her, and i have beat myself up over my feelings toward her. i'm certainly not proud of it, and very very surprised that i could have those meangirl feelings. now you should know i've never done or said anything that would reveal how i felt...i just felt this horrible feeling. and certain events collided on tues that just brought everything to an overflow point. i ended up leaving work early - before any steam escaped. and took yesterday off because i had literally made myself sick over my feelings and also for feeling what i was feeling. but it was authentic. and it was not my best moment with myself. i am sensitive to what others put out there, and do believe that my feelings were in reaction to the vibe she has around her. and her actions, as they became revealed, have proven that right. but i was disappointed in myself for not triumphing over the warning. no matter how loud & strong. for entertaining it. for letting it occupy my thoughts. and now i feel like i need to spend some time cleansing, if you will. i brought Tazo Baby Crow to work today, his cage festooned with brightly colored yarns and threads, to remind me of my artspace. to remind me that i am not what the job is trying to make me...that i am capable of gathering light and pushing it outward, and that that is part of my Job, my Reason. so i will continue with "authentic," but will walk a wary path with her. and crap, it's only january.