so yesterday i finally sighed and realized i had to do my Becky Home Ec-y schtick...there was no more getting around it. the cupboard was down to it's last saltine, the dog was looking for something Anything to eat and right then the cat looked promising. so to motivate myself, i made a list (yes i am a listmaker) of my tasks to accomplish that day. THOSE lists are small, as i don't want to die under the pressure of accomplishment. (by the way - i am sick sick sick with a fever - an actual fever, and probably shouldn't be babbling here, but i'm sick and bored, so my apologies). and #1 on the list was a trip to Hobby Lobby to get more adhesive. the kind that will bond a small planet together but not smell toxic. (locktite makes a spanky line of these - some are substrate specific which is very important). and in the middle of HL, with it's wrist-slashingly depressive music, i got an inspiration. for a painting. a small one. but a painting. i do not paint. i cannot draw and i do not paint. and i'm fine with that. it has not been a medium i am comfortable with, and have not cared to find a comfort level with it. despite the cartload of Golden acrylics in my studio. a drop of paint can last me longer than a glass of wine. and that is saying something. but there it was. the painting in my mind. then another. just two tiny little paintings. and hunh! there was a display of tiny little stretched canvases...on sale! So i felt i could risk the $5 and try it. and last night at midnight i finished the first one. and it is lovely and dear and i hug it. and it will be sent to the person who inspired it so i can't show you here. but i'll take a picture and show you after they receive it. and then, i wanted to do another tiny one. and i scratched my head and said "wha?" i don't paint. but i guess this past week has taught me some things. and i have re-realized some things i learned in life and was so used to knowing them, that i forgot them. things that are difficult to articulate, but are something along the meandering line of just because you aren't perfect at something the first time, don't give up. just because this doesn't look like that doesn't make it not good - only different. (i warned you i had a fever!) and that got me thinking again about my purpose and my path and what i re-remembered in the woods. a different woods. in Quebec on the Gaspe penninsula. 1978. traveling with the band. and a woman of great depth and insight proclaimed to me quietly and gently one night, secrets about myself that i didn't know...but knew...in my heart and spirit but not yet my brain. and what she said to me vibrated and hummed and sang in my spirit until the brain noticed there was a commotion annd finally took notice. and since then i have tried in a thousand different ways to be true to what i know as my purpose. oftentimes, we underestimate people based on how they look, or seem to act. we don't takeinto account that perhaps they act the fool in order to make you feel comfortable in a situation you are terrified to be in...they will take one for the team, as it were...when you think you could not possibly make that much of a fool out of yourself, you relax - the designation has gone to someone better equipped to handle perceived rejection. and don't we all naturally gravitate to those who look like us? or that we perceive will make us feel better about ourselves? whether by inclusion, or just their way of creating an oasis for your spirit. and for me, it's been about balance. and i believe i have found the recipe for that...my own recipe for my own balance. and that recipe often calls for someone to assist. and i learned to accept help when needed, and it didn't make me feel weak. and i learned when not to accept help, because it was a ploy to gain my dependence. and when to give help, and when to just listen. and there is so much more than just this one aspect, but i'm needing a nap bad right now, so you're off the hook of my rambling. but in this sweet moment, in the middle of Hobby Lobby, i saw it all stretched out before me, and i wasn't scared, and i didn't feel unable or unsure. and right there in front of the model airplane aisle with the tiny stretched canvases on the end cap SALE, right there, all was right in the world. wishing each of you a hobbylobby day, and i hope you have waffles...L.