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breathe in...breathe out....ahhh. do NOT look at the piles of tote bags and laundry and general stuff clogging the studio walkway. where to start? ok - random thoughts. this year's Squam was an entirely different experience from last year. in good great ways and small gentle ways and some, well, let's stick to those for now. i arrived and went to take my first picture..no card in the camera. luckily i had the teensy one that came with the camera. holds about oh 10 pictures...then overwrites. so i have 10 pictures. all from sunday. the beautiful shot of Jen through the crackle of the bonfire..nope. gone. Nebraska and I sitting on the dock one morning dangling our thoughts in the water...nope. gone. a sneaky shot of sue looking as wonderful as the person she truly is...nope. gone. swirly caught in a pensive flicker of raw intensity of emotion that can't be put into words...gone. jen lee's face radiating the stars..gone. but not so gone...these are all here. these snapshots have formed a collage and have hung themselves in my HeartGallery. now to jump about...if last year's Squam was a Red Bull overextravaganza circuscircus won the lottery experience, this year's (for me) is best described as a quiet cup of very good tea, sipped on a dock as the morning sun begins to warm and the sound of the water tagging the shoreline plays in the background. it was less...and it was more. less frenzy. more depth, i guess you could say. still emotional, but on a more personal level. thank you for all the hugs. thank you for being the one who hugged me first. thank you for accepting my hug and gripping so hard, in case i didn't get the message that...I Am. there was more clarity this year, perhaps because i knew what to expect - knew where the dining room was...knew to be the first one in the shower...knew the rythym of the woods...knew there was time to spend. also, maybe, because i've grown quite a lot this past year. and grown because of last year. and i knew there were expectations of myself that needn't be placed there...that were for other people. i learned that i would never be fill-in-the-blank and that was okay, because it wasn't actually a piece that belonged in my puzzle. and that was not only fine, but, i had re-learned that each of us has a place. each of us truly is here for our own special reason. and to imitate another because you admire them is not fulfilling your purpose. on a shallow example, i could, i suppose, transform myself into barbie again. (it is true...i have not always been chunky, older, and allow myself to go out without *gasp* makeup & good hair). but that time has passed for me in my spirit. and what i gained when i let that go, was so much more sweet and wonderful. that's not to say that it's wrong to look beautiful and wear makeup and buy out Anthro...it's just wrong if it isn't you...just you trying to be her. rant over). and in my acceptance of myself, i can accept other people. and that was a big one. this past year has been one of learning boundaries and re-learning to love who i am. and this year for a week in the woods, i saw that other people saw that, and it moved me. i set an intention last wednesday when i left home for this week. actually, a few intentions. that i would not get lost, that i would be peaceful. that i would be open to whatever was waiting for me. and that i would always be looking out for my Assignment for my spirit for the coming year. i took an amazing class with Nina Bagley and learned skills that i didn't know i could learn. and i made....nothing. and was very pleased. i learned techniques. and i learned that my competitive spirit was best left in the trunk of the car. i decided before class began that i was there to learn techniques to bring home and unwrap as the muses led me. mission accomplished beyond expectation. i learned that letting others "do" for me actually felt wonderful, and did not make me feel weak, as i had always feared it would. i learned how it felt to be on the receiving end of a gift, large or small. i've always been a giver of gifts...i love to make someone feel special...to remind them that they do have a place and that they are seen. and never not ever do i expect reciprocation. i received a number of gifts this past week...some material and some, words spoken from the heart. i treasure them all. and couldn't believe that someone had planned ahead to make/give ME something. i learned that if you have a "great idea for something to do at squam," do not tell elizabeth. she will say "that's fabulous! make it happen," then run from you. i learned that sitting quietly by the fire with a glass of wine and a bunch of folks is difficult for me. the quiet part. until the glass of wine kicks in. and that it's okay to walk to breakfast alone. or with a group of people you just met. i set my intention to get to know people i didn't get to know last year. the tags helped. i get to meet everyone. it is as much a blessing to me to do that, as it is a blessing to Elizabeth to receive her beautiful treasure box. and even when my prepared words for the presentation of the box zip cleanly and quickly out of my head the minute the microphone goes on, i know it was never about me anyway, and i'm good with that. i have embarrased myself far too many times publicly to let a wordless speech even hit my radar. i learned that some people cannot slow down and it isn't always good energy that drives them...that to keep moving forward at a fast pace is a good way to try to outrun fear. can i tell You, if you're reading this...you cannot outrun fear...it has cosmic nikes and will soon capture you. then you will be, not only tired, but fearful as you feared you would be anyway. so feel the fear. wrestle it down. kick it's undeserving ass. then grab it's ruby red nikes and go. (clarification - i am not talking about Elizabeth). new random thought. i am rambling aren't i? i learned i do not have to be everything to everybody, but it is essential absolutely essential to my purpose to be Something to Somebody at the moment they need it. and that is too huge to explore much more here right now. and it requires me to slow down and to be in touch. and to honor other people's space and what they are capable of reaching for. and what they are yearning to reach for. and what they need to hear and what they need someone to hear. and sometimes silence is the best way to love someone. and to show them they are loved, and they Are Not Invisible and they Matter more than the frenzy of unpacking and organizing and settling in. more than Anything. They Matter. and their fears are valid and not silly, even though you know that those fears will be forgotten in a matter of a few days in the woods. in new hampshire. doing something so terrifying to them that they turned around many times to go back to the safety of the familiar and maybe dissapoint themselves and become Less. courage is born from fear. from feeling the chill flop sweat of fear drip from you and doing it anyway. and courage can be found in a smile given at the right moment, or a pat on the back from a hand that went through before you, or a hug for no apparant reason. aren't hugs the best? from nebraska i learned so very much. not just self defense techniques (you picked the wrong person to fuck with)...jersey, you taught me to find the center point and move out from it, recalibrating the compass and stopping to hydrate along the way. santa monica, sometimes words are too much and just Knowing is plenty. brooklyn, yo, controlled exuberance is magical - your heart is larger than the state. East90, be You, please. my classmate T (who left her dress-over-jeans home) i am so glad to have met you with my heart...your gift to me will continue to open throughout the year. (didn't know you gave me one, huh?) okay...random topic. why, i ask, why do people say to themselves, "i have extra alcohol...what should i do with it? OH! Linda! let's give it to her!" i came home with a trunkload of alcoholic beverages. some very fine alcoholic beverages. i can make a bottle of wine last way pass the expiration date. i am the original cheap date. a single glass of wine will have me telling family secrets and stories that are best left under the rug. then, thankfully, i fall asleep. so other people can get a word in edgewise. and i wake up in the morning wishing for a do-over. my rental car is now officially 2 hours overdue. iam in my bathrobe. i do not care. and if they fuss, after what they put me through, i will slay them with fury. let someone else drive the minicar they tried to pass off on me. i'm sorry. that's selfish but there it is. now. i am off to eat a waffle. L.