this or that

today i had a choice, and had to decide right on the spot....my job is changing - my Big Girl job, that is. in fact my whole department will be dissolved within a week or maybe 2 if it lingers. we had been warned this was coming, but i don't think anyone believed. and the deadline passed once, twice, three times. we were told to decide where our skills would best fit, and make a pitch...if we wanted to think up a whole new Candyland dept, bring it to the table. i brought 2. i do love this company. so while pretty much this whole town has folded up and blown away, we were doubling in size. again. just not my department. and i wondered how much longer the ride would go on, as i passed the newly empty Chrysler factory just before my left turn into my parking lot at my job. so today they pulled 2 women to train in other departments, and i realized there was a chance i'd end up in a mind-numbing job if i didn't take a hard look at what i was willing to give up in order to get a steady, reliable paycheck to weather through a few tough times. or was the steady reliable worth giving up for other things? think think. the boss backed me into a corner and almost demanded that i take one of the last interesting jobs left. they had originally created the department with me in mind. but i stood firm with my part time plan. they needed to expand that department. again i stood firm. having wednesdays and fridays off was just right, thank you. add in a few sick thursdays, and it was damn near nirvana. so now the rubber meets the road. but now...not so appealing to spend 3 days simply setting up appointment after appointment after appointment. no challenge there. and many demands placed on you with scripts, etc. yuk. so i plunged. and in a week or two, i will once again be fulltime, 10am-7pm monday through friday. i am mourning the loss of my studio time, but think perhaps now i'll make better use of the time i will have. i'm trying to line up a new yoga class. The Only Thing Constant Is Change, read my mantra in early January, given to me by my yoga instructor. sweet Clare. with gentle firmness she has transformed her little band of yoginis from awkward, struggling, inflexible students into some semblance of of pride. mostly. and then there's me..."Clare! i think i blew out my hara!" "sun salutation?? hellllo sun! i sit now." "oy you're killing me! did my husband call you??" we've laughed together. we've grieved together. we've tried to plan roadtrips together. but mostly, we silently agree to keep our eyes closed while we work through our practice, and avoid seeing each other grimace and groan. so i think that is what i'll miss most. Clare's yoginis. and i may try to work that in somehow...leaving early on wednesdays...mumble some doctor appointment hazy reference. because i have to tell you, the world just fits together perfect in that class. i leave feeling taller, prouder, more able than ever. and i don't want to stop. so here i am off on a tangent. but i am grateful for the job i have consistantly tried to quit. the job that won't let go of my ankle, despite how i've tried for 3 years to shake it off. and i will make time more sacred, once again. back before it was all a luxury, time was a sacred element to me...as precious as the air i brought into my lungs, and water that gave me life....time was a gift. and still it remains so...i got so used to a never-ending supply of it, that i took for granted that there would always Be Time. happens a lot, don't you think? so as i have been given a gift of a week or so with my precious "extra" time, i will try to honor every minute. and then, when my time is re-appointed, i will appreciate even more the time i can spend with my art. i expect good things. this feels okay. except for the yoga part. and i will be able to buy more art supplies! honor your time...you never know, eh? L.