the storm

the weather prophets are predicting a huge storm...10-inches of snow, sleet, freezing rain, etc, today. no such commotion in my CreativeSelf. i haven't felt an inkling, an urge, a call in so long now that i'm hearing those panicky doubtful conversations. you know the ones? they say "you've done your work. it's over." or the ones that start the comparison game - the feelings of fraud, or worse, the overestimation of skill. i know this will pass. it always does. but those brief bolts of lightning that tear into my confidence hurt. i love the work i've done...i feel very connected to it, and know my soul has gone into each piece. i know there will be more. but when? i don't feel any pressure to make & sell...make & sell. but i feel empty when i'm not "in progress" with a piece. i'm not a person who can just "make art everyday" just to keep the gears oiled, and "maybe some fantastic idea will emerge." i work differently. my art is a visual representation of an idea, an emotion, a process in my life. so to just make anything for the sake of getting my hands dirty, well, it just distracts and frustrates me. for the most part, the elements i use are unique. at least in the sense of not being able to replace them from a rack at AC Moore. so to just a grab a few and start gluing and soldering...no. i think because i havent been feeding my soul properly, it's starving ....no good stimulation in, no good art out. my main focus has been diva dog. my poor little fluffer. friday night was the last of her pain meds till surgery on thursday. she has to be off them for 5 days prior. she's been uncomfortable and anxious...laying down for a few minutes, then up and pacing, then needing hugs, and back through the cycle again. it's been bitter snap-your-fingers-off cold, and now the storm, and she refuses to poo in her own back yard. usually i take her down through the woods and that does the trick, but we haven't been able to go in a few days, so she is constipated now too. sooner or later that'll have to end. **so youngblood is home for semester break. so far, we haven't seen much of HIM...his duffle bag remains in the middle of the livingroom floor where he left it as he was telling me what a slob his roommate is. i'll eventually slide it down the hallway where he'll undoubtedly trip over it as he makes his way to the bathroom around noon-ish. so my husband pointed out to me that i've re-developed a potty mouth in the past few days. hmmmm. any connection? the kids have begged me to talk to their grandmother (husband's side) and tell her not to buy them a load of crap at the dollar store for christmas. she always gives them a check, but then fills in with dollar store stuff. usually a day or so before christmas she'll call and ask what they want, and we try to scramble for an idea that she will actually be able to find. they are all on their own this year. i love getting gifts as much as anyone...no, actually way more. however, this whole christmas-as-a-chance-to-get-the-shit-i-can't-afford-to-get-myself ....just rubs me the wrong way. and if it makes grandma happy to buy a few things at the dollar store hoping you'll like them....then by golly act like you're thrilled. you wanted the game, you play by the rules. this year, i opted out. when asked what i wanted for christmas, i said "nothing." really. i mean, i'd love to have some more rusty metal, or some great boxes to schmutz with, but other than that, i feel like my birthday party is christmas present enough. well, i may as well have announced i was shaving my head, donning a saffron robe, and going to live in the airport. "you HAVE to want SOMEthing!" truly nothing comes to mind. and i guess that was my point with the dollar store ramble....if you WANT to buy me something, by all means please do! i LOVE getting presents! but buy me something you want to give me....don't just fulfill my shopping list for me. if that's the case, then you could've spent 5 hours trying to get through the grocery ordeal yesterday. i DID finally get the tree decorated last night! it's way smaller than the usual, and i'm not sure what species, but it's the kind that has the bendy limbs, so when you put an ornament heavier than balsa wood on it....the branch snaps off, or droops till the ornament falls off. perfect. it was an easy task....i went with the white lights, the gold glass balls, and the lighter balsa wood ornaments. now this is funny: my husband has this treetopper angel that his mom gave him the 1st year he was divorced. yes, from the mother of all dollar stores - the christmas tree shop. so anyway, she's all angel-like and swell, (the topper...not the mother in law) BUT... picture this now...she's holding candles (fake) in her hands...her hands are about angel-waist high, and the candles light up....not at the same time, but they blink...left....right...left...right, until they get out-of-sync. then they flash at the same time. so for all the friggin world, all i can think of is the countdown then LIFTOFF! i named her SpockAngel. last year i finally told girlchild why i start snorting every year when the husband puts the angel on the tree. so we both get hysterical when we look at the tree. this year, the tree would tip over if she was on top, so i've begun my retirement of SpockAngel. i may keep her in my studio for a chuckle. although it just feels wrong to laugh at her right to her face. **my printer is going all fubar on me. the thingie that the ink deelies are on will slam back and forth a few times while it decides if it's going to print or just barf black ink all over the paper. like it's going,"oh perfect shit now you want me to print ...what's this? you woke me up for THIS schmaltz?? oy vey." then, if luck is on my side, and it decides to print, AND print nicely, then it makes this tragic grindy groany noise like someone's uncle meyer clearing his throat in the morning. (i'd say "my" uncle "so-and-so" but i don't want to offend). so the odds are slim that I actually get a nicely printed page, and if I do, i just feel so badly about making the printer go through all that work. i'd rather just toss it out the studio window. except i can't because my husband has this innate inbred compulsion to friggin cover our inside windows with plastic. the kids call it ghetto. at least it's the shrink film kind, but help me here. last year i accidentally put a hole in one. for real accident. so rather than leave it there to flap, i took it off the window. lordhavemercy. who knew how important it was! i pointed out to my husband that most of our battles involve air flow....in the winter, it's plastic on the windows, and a fan on the floor to recirculate the air. in the summer, it's this interior door open and that interior door closed to circulate the AC. and a fan on the floor to help push the air. i swear he can see the jet stream as if it really were colored red like on the weather maps. so i pointed out to him the source of our arguments ...air flow...and shared my solution that the biggest air flow issue i had was the way he breathed - in and out, in and out....constantly....and that if i could solve that problem, then it would be easier to just live my friggin life. he was not amused. mostly because i don't take his air flow issues seriously. i turn on the heat, and i wear sweats, NOT SHORTS, when it's cold. oy. **so if you read any back issues of this blog, you should pretty much be aquainted with the other guests at the party ....we haven't heard back from the Dalai Lama yet, and no one's talking on the RSVP from Ty Pennington or Stacey & Clinton. couldn't you just dish-n-bitch with her? but other than that....my toes are tapping! i get to spend some time with the people who are the most important to me. now THAT is truly the BEST gift ever! and for the 2 people who will be out of town....you have to make it up to me. :) L.