i'm alive….i'm training a new job….tired but will write soon...

i know some of the happiest people on earth - my friend Perfect Patty, for example.  Any time you ask her how she is, she responds, "Perfect!"  and she may or may not be, but she always always has a mischievous smile on her face, and a twinkle in her eye.  And often, a tiara on her head.  There is always fun afloat when Patty is nearby.
i know some of the saddest people on earth.  Not to draw attention to themselves or to feel "pity important," but just sad.  not always sad, but deeply sad, when sadness comes.
I fall somewhere in the middle.  some of the time, i'm ready to rock with the Patty's of the world, or be the one starting trouble.  sometimes, though, i fall into a black hole that has slippery walls and no bottom.  i don't always know why.  it just is.  well, mostly i do know why, i suppose.
it isn't often that i reach out for help, preferring to just wade through it, knowing soon the clouds will clear, or the situation causing the dark clouds will be resolved.  but last night.  last night caught me by surprise.  it tossed me and left me howling and sobbing, alone, in my house. with Henry.  thank God for Henry.  and as hard as it was - i reached out.  and i was very surprised by the responses…or lack thereof.  a friend in Florida texted that she'd pray.  another elicited no response. none. i sent the same message in desperate attempts to just connect:  I am in so much pain right now.
and an offer to pray, well, that is somewhat hollow…somewhat flip.  if you know a person is in pain, reach them.  somehow.  call.  text and ask if they need you to call.  or something.  just listen to them sob.  no advice is needed.  and usually none is wanted.  just reach out and touch, like the commercial used to say.  it' so so much more important than any other thing.  perhaps this electronic world has taken that from us, that compassion.
one friend stood.  a friend in much chaos & turmoil herself over a life change.  offered words of balm.
and it was so hard for me to reach out, because i'm usually the one on the other side of the reach.  but it was such a dark place and i needed light…a hand to grab mine and pull hard, or just hold on.  the day was spent trying to smile over a family dinner while trying to recover from the night and trying not to think about getting through a first day of a new job tomorrow.  so much spinning all at once.  my last 2 days of "freedom" spent slaying a dragon.
Please…life is not facebook…you cannot click quickly and consider that reaching out.  you cannot send a smiley face and consider it empathy or compassion.  put the electronics down and remember how it felt when you sat in a dark hole and asked for help.

it has been A Week.  i've felt rather like a dodgeball, being kicked around.  so many good things, then bang! flat out.  my fibro has been a mess, which is probably due to stress…new/old job starts monday.  i feel like i have so much to do to get ready, and still so much i want to do before my time gets chewed up by training.  i bought some beautiful table coverings - Tiffany blue butterfly placemats with yellow jacquard tablecloth, to go with my antique dishes, and new Tiffany blue ones.  Big dinner planned tomorrow with PSD and her boyfriend tomorrow required much prep today.  a text about an hour ago let me know he couldn't make it.  no reason given.  so $170 worth of food could have been reduced by quite a bit, had I known 3 hours earlier.  just felt like a kick in the gut, and with husband gone all day and likely till late tonight, i feel so so lonesome.  and like my time - my last few free days - have been squandered.  just bitching and moaning.  and i apologize.  it was that kind of week.  a person i had put some trust in, turns out to be a lunatic.  quite a lot was based on this person, and then bam!  I don't know if i'd feel this strongly about starting a different job - if this is intuition, or if it's just my body rebelling against the very early hours and constant on-the-run i'll need.  i need a nap now, but don't want to waste time but don't have anything else to do.  what a twist, eh?  and to think people have real problems.

the countdown

feelin the countdown today.  dropped Hen off at Blueprints to try out a new Wednesday pack.  I came home with a list of things to accomplish and promptly went back to bed.  did manage to get an entry in for a show.  it took a month, but i got it in at the last minute.  so it counts.  now.  time for a shower.  might try to add stuff to my website...

covering

part of my new daily routine is to spend the first moments with my eyes closed…in prayer or meditation or just letting my thoughts wander.  as long as they don't cross the road alone, they can have free rein and romp in the fields.  this morning an urgent plea from Henry got me up before i had a chance, but after making sure he was all pottied, i went back under the covers to cuddle.  and i realized that i have a passion for entertaining - the prep of designing a menu and guest list and setting a beautiful table and the event itself.  mostly the prep.  and i thought about the difficulty i've been having in trying to find some table coverings i want to use.  so i started working it out in my head, just how to make what i wanted.  because i'll never ever find what i want.  they would definitely need to be custom.  and so they will be.  custom made by me.  and i thought, i can't be the only one who wants specific, well made table coverings.  and how it's an extension of my fiber work and former quilting self and assemblage work, etc.  and i realized that i could be on to something Just Enough and Maybe More.  so i have asked a sewing friend to teach me the 2 specific skills that i need a refresher on, and will begin GoldaTable…Custom Coverings for a Beautiful Table.
that is, after today's dinner with PSD and her boyfriend. or boy friend.  not sure.
I will still be doing animal reliquaries, and am so so humbled to be entrusted with this honor.

trying to get to my studio table…so many ideas and half-finished projects swirling around.  i can't seem to put myself in art motion, though.  it makes me tired to think about it.  yesterday recorded a massive nap, and i thought this whole cpap thing was supposed to make me feel more rested.  not yet.  not like this one…

a half day at Blueprints, and he's zonked.  then recharged in full mischievous power.
in my never-ending quest for the perfect addiction, i've been on a buying rampage in the table linen and dinnerware departments.  today, my trunk filled with this:

and these…

I may need a 12-step.  *sigh*  but i love setting a beautiful table.  And Liam, the chef from Ireland that I've befriended while he's here visiting, Liam gave me an armload of old foodie magazines from the UK and nearby areas.  They are delicious in their photography.  I would love to be able to just cook and set beautiful tables and have amazing dinner parties.  i certainly have enough place settings!  oh - i'd need a new table, though…what i'd love to do is just open up the kitchen/dining/livingroom areas of my house and make 1 big room.  in the middle, have a long wooden burl table to fit 16 or so.  yes!  what fun that would be!  do Sunday potlucks and Sunday brunch-into-dinners.  Liam is going back to Ireland in a few weeks, and I'd love to have him join us for our Sunday family dinner before that.  (Sunday family dinner is a tradition I started a few months ago in order for everyone to reconnect.  i love it).

my dream is to go to Ballymaloe Cooking School for the 12-week course…but afraid I would end up like this:

tonight i have beef burgundy and rosemary rolls.  tomorrow, an appointment with a PTSD specialist.  very excited about both.  Kitty is snoring on the chair with me…Henry is snoring at my feet.  the smell of dinner is wafting up the stairs.  maybe i will make some art, after all…maybe i already have….

a perfect day

a festive table awaiting guests...

blooming just in time...

a tired pup catching rays...

happy mom...

the weekend

Special reliquaries for the Most Special Girl…

remembering Krasnodar...

a trip with my Rock Fairy to Saratoga Springs for balancing, grounding, stitching and shopping…this one is for Cayetano...

Beautiful buildings….

missing this monkey...

this morning, an early trip to the park...

didn't see this coming, but I guess they qualify...

sleepy eyes….

awestruck...

it was the best weekend ever.  Thank you Kim.

why do you allow yourself to hate?  why, when you purport to be enveloped in the Sacred Love, do you allow this hatred to slither through your House?  this hatred is the remnants of scars on your ChildHeart.  find the wound and allow it's lesson, it's purpose.  acknowledge it, thank it, then bid it goodbye.  it has served it's purpose, and is no longer needed.  it's lessons have begun to sour.  quick, before it rots, gently take it by the hand and walk it away.

sen

Last fall, i spent a week on a private island with 20 gorgeous women.  they were wide open in their hearts, and gorgeous in their souls.  they were artistically talented and not selfish with their knowledge.
It was there that I learned the Japanese word "sen."
It means 1000.
and according to Lisa Solomon (who should know, being that she's Japanese), it is more than a number, although it is a number…it is doing something 1000 times to honor it, know it, gain mastery in it…think 1000 origami cranes.  Lisa has a precocious daughter who is an amazing being all on her own.  Lisa's mom was there, as well, and it was such an honor to watch 3 generations interact and spill into one another.
so back to sen.
it seems i will honor the same points of consternation in my life…making the same decisions with the same result 1000 times…so i've decided to honor my mistakes, rather than use them as a club to whack myself over the head…i will soon gain mastery in wrong decision making, and will be called sensei…and i will, indeed, honor these 1000 mistakes, for they will eventually lead me to the correct decisions and footfalls.  so then, are they really mistakes?

Courage

Loosely quoted from Brene Brown, Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.  I would love to sit with you, and perhaps a pot of tea, or maybe some cake flavored vodka, and do just that.  Let's make a date, shall we.  There are so many private things that involve others still alive, though.  Tell you what...if you want the whole raw, unvarnished thing, comment here.  I won't publish your comment, but will send you the "invisible" post.
Speaking of visibility, have you ever felt invisible?  Unneeded, perhaps unwanted, perhaps out of date, perhaps irrelevant ?  I will say I have felt all of these things at various times, and at varying degrees.  And here's what I know : nobody is not needed.  Everybody is always needed.  There is a spot for each of us in this life...a Lego snap-together Tetris-like space that each of us was meant to fill.  It may not be a grand, worldwide, all encompassing mission that your life was meant to fulfill.  It may be, that just by showing up every single day, there are ripples that you create that make it all work.
There's so much more to say, but the hands won't go any further today.  Maybe more later, but that's the gist of it.
Wishing you visible ripples...the payoff for Just. Being. You.

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
                             - Trina Paulus

I live inside a magazine. I’m a juggler, balancing routine
Smoke and mirrors, wood, steel, skin and rock ‘n roll
You see that world in my eyes. I work to keep it safe and alive. 
Some place in between restless and secure 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

They train wild tigers to heel. Make devices to stop a rolling wheel. 
And junkies get clean, make amends and start anew 
I could ask the universe for wealth. Pray to God I’ll always have my health 
But I’ll wait a long, lonely night for you 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

You jump started every little feeling that I’ve pushed away,
compromised, isolated, memorized 
You jump started every little fantasy I’ve entertained to
go insane, I can’t contain, baby you’re to blame 

I stood out in left field watching
Birds painting the clear blue sky
When I stood out in left field watching

You snuck up on me like a wildfire
Sparks and flames flashing and flying
And I felt the light inside jumpstart

when in doubt,  Follow The Peace.  It is never wrong.
ahhhhhhhh.

it's been a week since i started training at my new job.  i am going to be flat out honest here, as i always am.  and this is the one place i can express myself without worry of letting someone down, or any such thing.  there are only my own expectations here.

it is not good here.
it is a delicate eggshell i am walking.
it isn't just missing Henry.  but it is that also.
it isn't just missing being a housewife.  but it is that also.
it isn't just the newness and complete transformation of my day.  but it is that also.

it is gaining a paycheck.  it is gaining daily camaraderie.  it is working for a company with guts and integrity.

it is also completely losing my time to create.  it is also trying to cram in time to walk and create amazing dinners and play with Henry and watch my shows and all the little things that make me into me.  it is ordering my time, 7 days a week, to make the 5 days a week work.  it is getting up at 5am so that i have time to eat breakfast and get ready and get out the door and commute 40 minutes and walk 2 blocks from the parking lot to sit in a dark and Very Warm classroom with a 30 minute lunch brought from home, while all i want to do is cry.  very hard.  and so, on the way home, i hyperventilate.  or call someone to distract myself.  but the inevitable will be the inevitable, and the gut-wrenching tears will come anyway, sooner-or-later.  it's also going to bed at 7 or 8 latest, in the guest bedroom because i'm going to bed 5 hours or more earlier than husband who snores and wakes me up 5 or more times a night.  it's missing my warm little cannonball of a dog at night, who curled against my tummy and sucked on the sheet to get to sleep.  he sleeps upstairs.  i sleep alone with my brand new cpap machine hissing.  it is also not having the time, temperament or energy to continue working to repair and strengthen ties that have gotten dry rotted…they dangle still.  it is also not having anything left to give those that i want to give to.  my sister and i have never had a relationship, having only met 3 times (long story).   she was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  despite the distance, i want to reach out to her, and i will, but feel like my well is empty.

it's also about the arguing and nastiness that has overtaken my house whenever i try to express these things.  and when i feel time-crunched and choose hemming pants over going to buy new window blinds, feeling a knife in my heart as an angry back slams out a door to go shop alone.  despite the unresolved conversations of the week.

i feel no shame in admitting that i cannot remember a time where i felt so entirely alone and sad…where my house seemed to want to spew me out…where i have felt so completely not myself.

but yes.  i do remember.  and it was that time not so many years ago, when i tossed the 9-5 in pure self-preservation and ran for my pillow.  yes.  there are millions of people who face horrific days and nights that make me sound like an incredibly spoiled and insensitive bitch.  but i am only called to live my own reality.

a counselor has offered to teach me techniques for better sleep and to lessen panic attacks.  although kind, it seems like patching up the wounded and sending them right back into battle.  i want to find a foxhole and stay put.

be careful what you wish for, is what TUT's advice is, because it will come to pass.

i wish you good thoughts, magical words to speak your wishes into truth…and a compass to seek the best course.

so, i hope you're still out there.  my posts have been irregular and dismally insubstantial lately, and for that i apologize.  you've been so loyal…showing up here.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here.  early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time.  and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock.  like right now - it's 5:49am.  Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job.  and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40.  A.M.  It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day.  sitting in a training room.  trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks.  trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In.  that didn't happen.  i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear.  jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee.  Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper.  he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy!  husband decided then that he didn't like the idea.  despite the below zero temps.  despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy.  despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town.  so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering.  one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle.  I will not stand for it.  said momma bear.  grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths.  one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for.  true.  confusingly true.  i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it.  then complain about it or wish it away.  one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it?  but i do!  do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be?  Everything??  and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions.  somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep.  or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit.  i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room.  not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something.  and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing.  already.  and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again.  yes - i am terrified of failing this job.  afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so.  It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back.  just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.

do you feel the changes lately?  it seems more like August to me…the month when everything seems to change for me.  Clarity has challenged many of my standards, this past week or two.

One thing rumbling around in my heart is this:
if you are an employer, don't discount an older worker.  i remember when i was in my 20's and worked at an insurance company, there was a woman who was probably 40.  i remember her as being Very Old and Probably Wouldn't Catch On.  truth be told, she was probably bored, and thought we were silly little girls. I recall throughout my various jobs, older people being phased out and warning me that it would happen to me too someday.  never, i thought.  i am smart and competent and easy to work with…i was chosen to learn the brand new computer-based system at one job, then tasked with training the entire department.  i was always chosen first.  i was always Employee of the Month.  i was a shining star.
And i see a trend.  i hear things i never thought i'd hear…"People Like Us need to show Them we can be comfortable around technology"  "People Like Us need to show that we are competent and can learn new things."  People Like Us.  coming from someone just a little younger than i am, who is dressing and styling her hair to try to look younger, but age-appropriate, but "with it."  It makes me tired.
I am the same person that won the awards, and led the charge, and saved a company a ton of money because of my ability to see the big picture.
But…I am older.
and not to write this in a tone of whining or entitlement.  just observation of my experience of late.
i am lucky to not have to depend on my own income to survive.  believe me, i am filled with gratitude for that.  You can't legislate hiring percentages based on age, yet i feel like there should be something to protect an older person who wants to work and is quite capable of working.  i feel as though i need to dress like an executive just to get an entry level job.  i can, if that makes you more comfortable talking to me, but honestly, i put those clothes to better use by donating them to someone just starting out.
and here's the thing…in becoming healthier, i also became heavier.  and the double whammy of being older and rounder make it very very difficult to get a fair shake.  not just sour grapes - have had my suspicions confirmed by 2 different headhunters.  i have an interview monday.  with a health insurance company.  i am eminently for the position.  i'll let you know.

2-fer

in my heart...

out my window...

on my window...

henry is not a morning person...

but when he plays, he plays hard.  His girlfriend Sadie comes over most days, and they tear it up out back in their snow trails...

inside for a minute of snow melt...

do not let those innocent faces fool you.  they are scheming.

today the sun is shining but i feel lazy and a little grumpy.  i dreamed a gorgeous dream of artwork i want to make, and even went to the studio prepared to bang out some good work today.  but sighed and sunk into the web instead.  at least there's laundry cooking, so something is getting accomplished!  i don't feel too terrible about it.  walked a few miles yesterday on the treadmill - it's just been too too cold to go outside & walk.  it's like winter is taking it's last few weeks and shoving it in our faces.  i hope i'm somewhere more temperate next year! i suspect Henry would agree.  i'm signing off today before i get too boring.  there just hasn't been much going on - watching the snow, shoveling the snow, making trails in the snow for Henry…that's about it.  made some damn good gumbo, though.