so, i hope you're still out there. my posts have been irregular and dismally insubstantial lately, and for that i apologize. you've been so loyal…showing up here.
as you may be able to tell, it's dark o'clock here. early by the earliest bird standards, and certainly by any hour i've seen in a very long time. and every hour is measured by the "next week at this time" clock. like right now - it's 5:49am. Next week at this time, I'll be making eggs and toast, and getting my lunch ready, so i can go out the door to my new job. and be there, 40 minutes away (in good traffic, which it won't be) by 7:40. A.M. It was my intention to rise and shine at my "new" alarm clock time all week, so as to acclimate myself to it, and to staying bright-eyed throughout the day. sitting in a training room. trying to absorb 12 weeks of material condensed into 3 weeks. trying not to feel like i wanted to violate the alarm clock and chuck the job and Just Sleep In. that didn't happen. i'm already tired, and only got up because Henry jumped to the floor after Bulimia Cat woke him up by crawling up my side to cozy up on my ear. jumping to the floor from the bed, is the international symbol for I Have To Pee. Henry took to re-paper training like a duck to water, and was so proud to show off his pee-pee on the paper. he'd come strutting around the corner and stand there waiting for a Good Boy! husband decided then that he didn't like the idea. despite the below zero temps. despite the fact that it was sooo much easier & convenient for a short-legged dog and a tired mommy. despite the fact that mom will be gone from the house for 9 hours and sometimes husband will be out of town. so i am ashamed to say, poor Henry is confused and a little upset by the bickering. one of the things i see is a power play and i do not like my warm little Being shoved into the middle. I will not stand for it. said momma bear. grrrr.
this past week has been one of uncovering truths. one of the biggest being that i never want what i've been wishing for. true. confusingly true. i wish for something, and pray for something, and get it. then complain about it or wish it away. one Perhaps for that - do i think i don't deserve it? but i do! do i wish for things that aren't as amazing as i thought they'd be? Everything?? and perhaps this is why i struggle with making such big decisions. somewhere in my heart-of-hearts, i toss and turn over whether something is really a tosser, or whether it is a keeper that i'm afraid to keep. or a tosser i'm afraid to toss - sort of a hoarder of Bad Things That No Longer Fit. i do know this job will allow a certain amount of breathing room. not as much as the other opportunity, but it's something. and the other opportunity was never mine, so no use comparing. already. and no use counting my chickens, since it's less than an hour off my pillow, and i'm feeling the need to sleep again. yes - i am terrified of failing this job. afraid of not wanting to let it go, even if my body is saying so. It's been so many years at an easel…so many years of being gentle with my body when it needed gentleness…of pushing a bit, knowing that i could back off if needed…and now headed back out full force - it seems too quick to jump back. just 6 days notice to change my life completely.
cross your fingers for me, friend.
wishing you bright eyes and bushy tails today.
as for me - back to bed.