a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Friday, October 24, 2014

today has been a day of tucking in, and moving forward at the same time.  first thing today (after silently thinking about my Tiny Step) was to open this email from TUT:

What if today was your "last" day, Linda, or this week was your "last" week, and heaven had 10,000 angels waiting to serenade you, dancers waiting to dance with you, and reporters waiting to interview you?

Is there a grudge you'd still hold? Something you'd still regret? An unhappy memory that would matter more than forever and ever? 

Of course, I focused on the "grudge" part, and yes, we know about that.  but there's also the "regret."  what would I regret?  Since the grudge part is not really a grudge, just a decision to stop being victimized.  so - regret.  and i think i regret not speaking my truth sooner or louder or honoring it more and standing firm by it.  instead choosing to be a peacemaker and "the better person."  which i've learned is actually just being meek and taking the path of least resistance, which becomes a spiteful & hateful seed that grows in your heart.  you can trust me on that.  as i took Hen on an epic walk on new-to-him paths, the crispy breeze whooshing in my ears, and crunchy leaves swallowing my feet, i thought about seeds and growing and what needs light and what grows best in the dank, dark.  besides mushrooms, but actually mushrooms are a good example - they are a fungus, and although delicious, my first "fungus" thought is of the yuk variety.  so the spiteful & hateful seeds got pushed deep down and swallowed whole, where they grew from my growing belly and when the tendrils reached my eyes, colored everything i saw.  picture it for a minute (wishing i could draw right now)…a brown-hared woman with a root ball in her belly, and the vines and tendrils growing up through her, looking like veins.  the vines take hold of her muscles and leach on, much like the parasitic vines in my back woods.  they stunt her reach.  they grow further still, till they come out her ears and cover her eyes.  all she sees is this spiteful & hateful vine in front of her…soon, even the sunlight is blocked…even her own beautiful reflection in the mirror.  in effort to take the "best" way or the "easy" way, she has become immobilized by spite and hate.  it will take a Tiny effort to remove those vines, starting at the eyes and working through.  
So i think you'll agree it was quite a walk!  
i made a brand new bucket list that feels so doggone authentic, that it makes me want to weep.  a partial list includes (in no particular order):
1) make a raised garden
2) keep honeybees
3) learn how to can - not just for a few pickles - the whole shebang
4) learn how to crochet & knit well
5) organize my pioneer classes (this is actually #1 in my heart)
6) go in a hot air balloon
7) snowshoe
8) float on my back in the ocean without sharks around
9) spend a week alone in a stone house on a hilltop
10) learn how to use my grill

that's all i have time for right now.  but the tucking in today was more like a walking meditation and refreshment for my spirit.  it has energized my heart, which was getting a few steps sluggish, and has moved my feet to tap.

wishing you seeds of bright, glowing sunshine growing in your belly, up through your heart and lungs and through your veins, out your ears and surrounding your eyes….may your every step and word and sight beheld make you smile so big, and may your sunshine warm those around you…even though.

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