i don't know if the weather affects me as it does some, but i do know yesterday was mostly gloomy out, and i was stuck to the couch with a case of the blues. and a few greys. poor Henry must wonder what the big deal is with birthdays, since his was spent mostly snuggled next to me. the thing is this: I've been casting my net out there for a Big Girl job, to no avail. nothing coming back…no callbacks, no email returns. to the point where i wondered if my emails and resumes became invisible in cyberspace. I usually have an attitude to Keep On Trying, but at a certain point, defeat starts to creep in. and i know the problem, if i'm honest with myself: after so many years of being my own boss, and having the luxury of being easy with my heart on the days when my heart needed Slow and Gentle, and spending the day in bed when that was called for, or racing excitedly through the woodspath when that was calling me…i wonder if i can make it behind a desk in a cubicle again. i wonder if i'll feel like a broken pony. and the dual edge sword - the income will allow options. options that for all these years of talk, may still be difficult to exercise. There are many times, when the days seem bleak, that i think "Thank God there is someone to make sure." There are many times, when the nightmares come one after the other at night, that i think "Thank God there is someone to make sure." and though in my waking times, on good days, it is not usually bearable that someone is there. that someone. so it comes down to selfishness and survival, i suppose. sheesh, and today started out promising! sorry to be so depressing. but the tendrils of yesterday are still attached just a tad. a small tad. i sent an email to a former co-worker, now a manager, and gave her a general sense of my attempts to rejoin my former job. i asked her to please let me know if there was a reason why i would not be a good candidate to return. i am hoping for her honesty, no matter what direction it is. i do have hope in that another former employee was rehired last year - after 5 years trying. she had been on disability after being hit by a car. the day her short term disability ran out, they found a way to send her on her way. she lost everything. but her dignity. she was friends with the ceo, and still had to fight her way back in. i have hope. why would anyone want to try so hard? i like it there. and better the devil you know, as they say. okay - henry is bouncing off the ceiling, wanting attention, so time to get going. i adore him. totally smitten.
wishing you a day of answers.