maddening!

having the worst time trying to just FOCUS and get some artwork made...throughout all the calamity that is my life, I have a Very Important Show of my own coming up, and have been stressing about doing some new 3D work.  I've been painting for so long now, and the gallery owner had expressly asked only for my 3D assemblage work, and some talisman jewelry to go along with some 2D work she's showing as well.  two years ago when she booked me, she asked specifically only for this.  2 years ago.  and I've done some stuff, but your eye changes, and style changes, and the things you thought were so deep and meaningful now look like schlock, so you try to make MORE but there's nothing that appeals and soon look at the shiny object soon it's time to set up the show oh a little bird and you just aren't happy about any of it but time's up.  so to the artists participating in the fundraiser - i do know deeply what you are feeling. but time's up - send it in.  and maybe i'll focus better when i'm not so multi-minded.  that's truly possible, but cutting it awfully short, with 2 major holidays, plus my birthday, and a weekend away to hang with Seth Apter in NYC,  so i'm pulling out all stops and calling on any & all Helpers that I can think of to get focus and inspiration and to help find more actual shiny objects to stick on the assemblages i need to make a dozen of.  that i assured the gallery owner i had sitting nearly complete and staring at me.  yes, i lied, because she had a certain strained sound to her voice that i now recognize...that "please-tell-me-you-will-not-mess-my-life-up-by-not-having-work-done" sort of straining tone with a under-tone of "I Will Make Your Life Uninhabitable," and floral notes of "I Will End My Own Life As I Know It Today-just walk out the door and into the desert to live in an adobe hut with a well and septic and make clay pots and grow dredlocks and wear long skirts and water buffalo moccasins."  just thinking off the cuff here, but as she kindly asked about my progress, and if i had, indeed, remembered the show (as if an opportunity like this comes every day!) as she inquired, it was as if a giant movie screen appeared and i saw all these things (well, not really, but i say this all for dramatic effect) clacking from the reel, and i felt so deeply a kinship with her, as we are both in the same position in our lives, except i am also in the position of being the liar.  it makes me wonder if she is in a show somewhere with a hard deadline too.  now that would be super creepy.  hunh, and guess what?  the deadline remains, despite me taking time to write about it.  darn.