a saturday 2-fer

update. it is 3:21 pm and i have accomplished: zip nada nuthin da nada nope well, except for getting stew into the slow cooker (makes it sound like i just poof do this all the time...Hold on - let me throw a stew together), followed by an extended nap. with diva all tucked around me. (she learned "drop it" today! i'm so proud). the heater thingie wouldn't stay on in the garage, so there was no hope of working out there soldering and grinding (sounds sexual), so as i malingered on the couch thinking i should switch things up and collage today and torch tomorrow, i napped. quite longer than i wanted, but apparently just as long as my body wanted. this CFS is frustrating. while i slept, though, i was quite productive. i realized my chosen word for the year (legacy) was depressing and awkward, and not really The Word. so, finally given the space and peace it needed, my brain released the Real Word: wholehearted. i love this word. i embrace this word. in a wholehearted way, even. this word and I have a history. i was given a special special gift earlier this year (or was it late last year??) that included having a question (just ONE) answered by an intuitive counselor. i asked a broad question that didn't include a specific area of my life (to get the biggest bang for my buck, i guess). i erased any hint of my identity from the response to the invitation...no last name to google, no signature including my blog address, etc. i was just "Linda." and gawd she nailed it. the artist thing, everything. and said that this is the time i should live wholeheartedly. she said that word, wholehearted. and it stayed with me, as did the essence of her reply. (although i have her entire reply in my desk drawer, lest i become half-hearted.) And the word and it's essence have, in turn, wafted at me on a continual, perfumed, loving, gentle basis, bee balming my spirit and pushing me to break through the habit of half-heartedness. because it is a choice. all in all, that was quite a nap, eh? and it's been a semi-amish day, with the only electronics being this computer, and the crock pot. oh and coffeemaker. but no tv blaring or lulling the mind, no radio, ipod, walkman, 8-track player...no sounds. very restful. and it's nice to be able to spend a day with my thoughts and intentions, where intuitions can come to the surface and grow a bit, and artwork has a chance to seed a bit. no, i think today has been spent exactly as it was intended to be spent...not a wasted day...nothing much outwardly productive - except for the stew which has 3 more hours before it can be declared a hit or a miss- but plenty of inward productivity. a return to gentle wholeheartedness. rather than the crazed, scheduled, minute-by-minute checklist of a day like it has been. sidebar story: one time i had food poisoning...For Real...the whole vomit / passing out / kill me now or call an ambulance kind. and while i sat with a needle of some dripping clear stuff in my arm at the ER, the health department person came with a clipboard, asking me if i could try really really hard to remember where i had eaten and what i had eaten. imagine her surprise when i could list it all for the past week, in detail, and would've gone back further, but there was no need. i am a creature of habit. and boundaries. and during that period of my life, i ate the same thing for breakfast, ate at the same restaurant for lunch, and dinner was pretty much soup or nothing. not big on dinner. so i have been approaching my life of late in much the same way: wake up by 5am, fill coffee mug, feed cat, feed dog, shower, make breakfast-to-go (peanut butter & banana sandwich), get dressed, walk dog, be to work by 7:30-ish. etc ad nauseum. not what the word "wholehearted" brings to mind. but it can be. the entire sequence can be done with a grudging heart or a grateful heart. and that's where the secret of wholeheartedness starts. it isn't about rock climbing and BASE diving and starring naked in a broadway musical (just checking to see if you're awake on that last one). it's about living your choices fully, i think. and also not letting those things in your life that are beyond your control try to control your reaction to the life you have. what if this is your moment to shine? what if it is this very moment? is my heart full enough to accept the gift that will be placed in it? have the corners been swept clean? is the best china on the table in my heart? will the gift that comes to me get cruddy and tarnished as it enters, or will it feel welcome and take root and grow beautifully? that's wholehearted for me. going about the mundane and everyday stuff in a grateful manner, giving it my all. done. my new word fits. and so it is.