a primer on depression

let me say a few (yeah right) words about depression...now, when i'm in the clear, and can think about it rationally, as opposed to when the heavy cement of it holds me down. depression is not sadness, although you can feel sad. but not always. it isn't something that you can motivate yourself out of, or happy-gratitude think your way out of. it isn't laziness. it isn't boredom. it isn't something that a few yoga poses and an hour of journaling will snap. and although those things are good practices to have, and i enthusiastically engage in them from time to time, depression comes at you despite your work against it. and to say it comes at you isn't really my experience - not a front-on shock-and-awe thing that you can dodge and weave your way around with Jackie Chan Karate Kid moves. (i love Jackie Chan!) my experience with depression is that i feel the molasses lethargy of it commandeer my brain...the effort to just get out of bed is more than can be physically mustered. it isn't the blues...more like the "clears" because it invades every corner of my life, and i can't see it. there is a pointlessness to everything...nothing brings pleasure - not talks with friends, not the kisses of a little furball, not even artmaking. in fact, the effort of getting art supplies out is sometimes on par with asking me to repaint the Brooklyn Bridge in a weekend. it is a life suck...you lose days, weeks, even months at a time. and it looks different on everyone - some people can outwardly function through their daily obligations of work & family, and you'd never guess that there is nothing but an empty shell in front of you. their mind has gone rogue, as Danny Evans says. there is a disconnect between physically living your life and feeling anything. so it isn't so much a sadness for me, as it is a complete wipe of the motherboard - a robotic response to life around me with no oompah-pah behind it. i hid my depression for years. terrified of it. i hid behind being the comedian - if i could make people laugh, and laugh with them, then i must be okay, right? oh, and rules. i had strict ways of doing things...mostly so i could actually do something - ok, the alarm goes off, and first you go pee, then you feed the dog, then get coffee, etc etc. Sort of a rigid one-foot-in-front-of-the-other ballet of desperation. then i realized the comedy lie, and became serious, and that didn't work - wasn't me...i am naturally given to finding the humor in humorless situations. the Dixie Chicks have a song Hello Mr. Heartache, which describes it in part: Hello Mr. Heartache I've been expecting you. Come in and wear your welcome out Like you always do. You never say if your here to stay or just passing through etc and for people who "suffer from depression" as the ads say, when things are good, you're always looking out the corner of your eye for that attack...gauging if it's a good time to see a sad movie, or will that trigger a freefall into the black hole. you often don't trust yourself with big decisions...wondering if it's being made with a twinge of the beginnings of a bad run. there's been a lot of research on depression, mostly sponsored by big pharma. and yes, there is a time and place for chemical intervention. it does not make you a weak person. i solidly refused for 20 years to partake in that avenue of relief, till finally i had to for many reasons, none the least was i had to in order to prove my unfitness for duty at my job and be able to take disability leave. you can't see depression - "they" needed to see i really meant it. and it worked well. there were side effects that need to be measured very thoughtfully against the good the drugs can do. i can't stress that enough. weight gain is one of the secrets they hold up their sleeve, so be prepared. but the point of all this rambling so early in the morning is this: if you have a friend or partner who has tussles with depression, don't be offended if you can't "cheer them up," if they don't take your advice, if they cancel appointments and dinner dates...know that they are fighting as hard as they can to run clear of this mental state, and it's like running through waist-deep freshly poured cement. but keep the connections open, listen to them ramble on the phone, or hold them when they cry. your question, "what's wrong?" is well intentioned, thoughtful, and even loving. but there is no answer. and often, giving advice will only serve to make the person feel that if they don't take the advice, then you will become fed up and leave them. and you may be the last tendril linking them to reality. i write this to tell someone very special to me that i do understand, and i am not growing impatient...i will always be by your side...there is nothing that you can do to change that...and there will always be my hand gripping yours to keep you from hitting the bottom...in these promises you can have absolute assurance. for everyone else reading, thank you for your patience here today - a personal email to my friend would not have been the same as pronouncing my positions on the www .