it seems i am being nudged by, well, let's say The Universe (since i'm not certain where these nudges come from...it seems a bit optimistic & maybe self-centered to say "God"). in the past few days, i have been assaulted full on by these nudges at every turn. the message is: Learn yourself. now i have avoided workshops, classes, books, anything of the sort, that teaches you introspection and working things through and making peace with the past, present, future, yada yada. it just seems self-involved to spend that much time in an introspective stupor, examining how i feel about vanilla ice cream vs. butter pecan, or how my 2nd grade teacher made me feel such-and-such. i have made peace with the past, and the future - well, it's not here yet, so it's hard to know what triumphs or regrets are waiting. but maybe that's just how i view it, the introspection...maybe my riding partners, Blinders, Fear, and Blame Others have tainted the view. but that old friend Fear has kept a constant pace with me, along with his BFF, Blame Others. i promise i won't get into one of my long-winded extravaganzas of a post. but. i know the time is right to take a look at some baggage i didn't know i had. it has been so easy to blame other people, events, situations, whatever, on being stuck. it's like blaming the wheel for driving itself into the snow. (which we have in abundance today). i am not stuck because someone is holding me back...i am stuck because i have made choices to keep me where i am because, although it isn't nearly my potential...it's comfortable. and easier. and failure free...it's someone else's fault. at least i think that's how it rolls. and those two traveling companions have made it easy. or at least made it seem real. in the end, it may be that nothing outward about my life changes. but i will be peaceful in knowing that it is the right place at the right time, and not because of a fear of moving in any given direction. i can do the seemingly hard things...the challenges, the choices, all that. it's the ground that lies fallow that i have trouble mustering up the energy to plow. and, if you've met me here on this page for a while, you'll recognize that it's a recurring theme. and i suspect that until i get the land plowed, the seeds planted, and the ground watered, it will keep nudging at me. it's hard to take time out to respect yourself enough to learn about yourself, and grow to potential. there are endless things that glitter and catch your eye away from the goal. and many things that don't glitter so much, but need attention...jobs, cleaning up after cat vomits, shoveling snow...but at some point it has to all wait. for an hour or so. my sincere hope in all this nudging, is to reclaim my Self...the woman who felt peaceful in the middle of a storm, who brought that peace with her and sent it out around her like perfume. i honestly am not sure what the end of the journey will be - what the whole point of this nudging is. maybe just to take a nap. who knows? but i do feel a tug within me to do some soul work...to go deeper.