today i feel expressionless...although i've spent every waking moment in my studio working on my book, i don't feel my soul in it. the pages look amazingly flat and without Something. they could have been done by anyone. i went to a scrap & stamp expo this morning hoping to find some book vendors like last year, but there were very few vendors of any sort, and even fewer customers. last year the line went down the sidewalk to get in. not so this year. and i honestly have no interest in sparkles and glitter and daubers and such. i did find one vendor (Picasso) who had some incredible handmade marbled papers and even sold me some of his private stash of asian paper scraps. a nice walk with diva early early this morning - i promised her First Thing, and for once kept my promise. i am anxious to be done with this "holding pattern" i'm in...but the Word is "Wait," and i am finally learning to trust that gentle voice. but the frustration is building. maybe that's the lesson - learning to wait. learning to be patient. learning that there is a time for everything. and the time is now for trust. and patience. learning that "wait" is in itself movement, and part of the process. not 2 of my stronger virtues. give me something else. but i'm almost afraid to ask, knowing how my life goes! i feel grumpy and out of sorts. so now you've had the weather report. bored yet? and the thing is this...i know from hindsight that some of my best work follows these times...these times when i just want to curl up in a ball and wrap my blankets around me and sleep away my days. it's just the space between those creative surges that can kick you in the head. i have a project ahead of me for a show. it stares, half-started. i'm not the kind of person who "plays" artistically. i don't have days where i just spontaneously grab sheets of paper and slather paint or what-have-you all over them and discover the next new workshop entry. i am more meticulous. and careful, maybe. spending a few days thinking about it, working out a design issue, maybe, or what material to use, and mostly what i want to express. then it all fits together and i go to the worktable and start. the end result rarely, if ever, resembles anything i had planned...except the intent...the message, if you will. and the message may not be anything recognizable to anyone else, but i see my soul in the work. i once did an interpretation of one of Georgia's poems in an assemblage piece. both works are wonderful, but you'd never guess one had anything to do with the other. same with the "Sweet and Bitter Bowl" inspired piece. but it's there. there are skills i need in order to get to the next level of what i want to express...work in materials i've never used. there is a weeklong workshop about an hour from me this summer. do i dare take the time, when 2 weeks after that i leave for NH? i am longing for time...i feel everything in me scream for it...and to not worry that taking the time will affect other lifeparts. i feel i've come to far in my decision to turn back and say i stay here but only to work on art, yet to go means even less time on art...which will eat more of my spirit? which will drudge me down more than the other? it's noble to say that i cannot live in an environment where i am disregarded. it's the more difficult path to leave. to have peace of soul, yet chaos in life...trying to balance a full time Big Girl Job against time for art and time for Diva my love & my Reason. which of these two is the lesser of the tangled journeys? truth in my soul, or truth in my head? ah, yes...the Third Option. i am reminded. so back to the top we go...feeling anxious for the answer...to at least move in any direction. i picture myself standing on a rocky crag with the ocean swirling below, spray from the crashing waves sending beads of water high into the air, but i am higher still...i stand, feet together, back arched, heart presented to the sky, arms outstretched and back...open open open to the Greatness, open to the Love, and the Peace which surpasses all understanding...and i accept. Wait. i wait. L.