it's been hard. but easier. i'm living hour by hour. I got a gazebo for mother's day, and last night's Girls Gazebo Gathering was just perfect. this morning brought tears of loneliness. my soon-to-be ex bought me a new lawn mower…one that starts with the push of a button, and walks by itself. the old one being too difficult for me to start with the pull starter thing. he had stopped by to pick up a few more things, and saw I had mowed with the new mower, and began explaining how he mulches in the fall and in the spring there are things i should do to keep the lawn healthy. it was just.so.sad. i feel deeply bad for him, working to buy this house, and now having to walk away from it. the second time in his life. yes, i started bawling. over mulch. and mowers. ugly crying. me in my car, him in his, in the driveway. suddenly the care of the house seemed to loom insurmountable…the care of my heart seemed unattainable. then i had to just put one foot in front of the other. minute by minute. okay start the car, now reverse, now forward, blinker on, where was I headed before the whole mulch thing came up? yes - this was his choice. yes, after the first one, you wonder if there isn't something that needs changing. but still. although it was not a great marriage, and although i mostly saw his failings throughout the past 15 years, glimmers and hot pokers stab at me as i realize anew my role in this mess.
so where it stands now - i am less stressed out. i am terrified. i am content. i am lonely. i am hoping to continue becoming my self. i will.
Henry has become a handful, though. he doesn't understand where his man went, i'm sure. we walk, and he lunges at other dogs, snarling and squealing. he's bit me twice accidentally, as his teeth snap at the air. this isn't my Henry. Today a friend joined me for brunch, and i took her on a walk through my trails. as we walked to the end of the street, it sounded like someone was torturing poor Henry…his fears at being apart from me - something new. neighbors stopped and looked down the street. grateful i don't live in an apartment, after all. my feet still aren't under me, but i'm grateful to have a direction to walk in. grateful to know the set of challenges i'm to face and conquer.
i've learned so much in the past year…mostly that it's okay to lean on others - that it won't hurt! that it doesn't mean that i won't rise strong again, but that it feels good to receive. thank you. i'm grateful for the lessons, and want to use them somehow to shine a light for others. that's to come.