Saturday, January 24, 2015
so, it's been a few weeks of growing and kicking and screaming and having my email hacked into and things missing and and and. so to spare you all that tumbling, i stayed quiet. it is what it is, and if Someone feels the need to be a super sleuth, i cannot control their actions.
the flu knocked me flat for a few days, and in my fevered state, i realized truly and deeply that I Do Not Have Control Over Everything. a simple truth that most people "get" early on. but there are a great majority of folks, like moi, who have always had to be In Charge…Be Responsible. and for us to be able to be successful in our perceived LifeJob, we had to control everything…we had to keep all the plates spinning, we had to Be Prepared for anything and everything like a Girl Scout gone rogue and taking it to the nth power. our purses needed to be checked as baggage - we carry aspirin and bandaids and phone books and charging devices for any/all electronic gear and a change of clothes and a full course meal steaming hot from a portable crock pot in the side pocket and and and. And - most of it Not For Our Own Benefit…we are the Go To gals. we can perform a Mcgyver Miracle, given half a chance. it is our mission. our place in the order of things. and in my sweating/chilling/sweating state, i gave it up. i realized there were just things i couldn't control, and trying to do so was eating me alive. and then there was a whole category of things i didn't want to control anymore. and then i realized that i couldn't really control any of this shit anyway, so what the heck?? i could make decisions for my reactions and for where i want my feet to travel, but that was it. i could control myself and my junk. and that was it. and i realized that was plenty and enough. i could react nicely or like the full-on bitchy person i realized i have capability of being, but either way of acting can have the same result, so nice is nicer. as i lay there with a little caramel dog tucked beside me snoring, i realized all this. in a flash of epiphany. and i realized that all these years of taking care of other people had just served to make me bitter. i wanted to lead the parade - not clean up after it all the time. and i did it so well, that it became natural for people to just Depend On Me to do it. i had a conversation with my mother the other day, wherein i choked out that I Just Wanted Someone To Take Care Of Me For A Change - that i had spent my whole adult life making sure no one else slipped on the ice, and had let opportunities go by for myself. (this was just moments pre-flu, so the pity party phase was in full swing). her response? "But you're so good at knowing what to do." i learned all that Stuff. and not for free. there is a swing of the pendulum between hedonism and rampant selflessness of a co-dependant nature. i intend to live at 6-o'clock…right in the middle. there's more to say on this, but i have an appointment to see a Tiny!! catch ya later!
at 8:33 AM