There is so much I am expecting out of the next 364 days. I dare not look back to summarize the past year...and yet...it ended in such a way that makes me want to stomp my feet to get the last of it off my shoes. But in all that ugliness, comes the Phoenix. In the easy flow that was last year's beginning, came an abrupt disturbance and disheveled-ness and disruption and every other dis you can throw at a person. And it became goodness. There became a new way of being. A new outlook, and deeper understanding of what and who and how.
And I burned to the ground. But rebuilt...better and better and better. I went deeper than I thought I could, and grabbed tight to the tethers that held me fast. And pulled. I learned to say Yes. To things that used to terrify me. I rode a horse. I said yes, and gathered a glowing, sparkling cloud of women around me, then watched as they wove their lives around one another...a Rapunzel braid of hearts. I have had more fun in the past 7months than I've had in quite some many years. And I've had a heart broken into pieces too small to fix. And I've risen again and again. No choice. But I learned to do it with grace, and thankfulness and deep, sincere gratitude for the lesson. What I thought of as despair turned into a way to learn how to soar...to step off the edge of the cliff, and just know there are safety harnesses to hold me. So in the midst of all the really truly awful stuff, I learned how to step to the side, find someone in need, and give give give. Light conquers darkness Every Single Time. I learned the difference between boundaries and walls. I drew a map of what I want my life to look like. And it includes a lot of things that would surprise you, if you've known me for a long time. It has always been my wish to be a philanthropist. And this year my wish came true in so many ways and in so many different forms. I know of one special project that has yet to come about...the time isn't ripe yet, but it's germinating as we speak.
I spent the day today in my pj's! Feeling decadent and sleepy. Henry, if I'm honest, didn't know it was his birthday. And if he did, he seemed to prefer spending it napping next to me while I read my Nook.
So what do I expect from the next bunch of days, weeks, months? Fire. I expect the burn will continue for some time. I expect I'll become accustomed to the heat - expecting it. The difference is that I'll welcome it, knowing it will bring soft, green tendrils of new growth. Rather than be fearful of risk, I will plunge into the cool waters, knowing there is fire all around, and the risk is worth the gamble. As long as you watch for me to surface, I'll be safe. And you know for certain, I'm watching for your bubbles, too.
I have a list of Things That Need To Be Reckoned With, and hope to make my way through it beginning soon...in between chili & Sky Lantern parties, and snowshoeing and concerts and bonfires. It doesn't pay to be too serious, does it?
I wish you each the most incredible collection of days, weeks and months ahead...and don't be surprised if you see a few sparks. Be grateful for the light.