today i felt her...all around me, wherever i went, i felt her.  at the store, i kept thinking that i had to get home to walk her.  in my studio, i'd look at my clock, thinking it was time to go walk her.  or feed her.  and i could feel her around me...she seemed happy, if that counts for anything.  and i was happy for her.  and it came as no surprise that husband called from 3 hours away on a business trip to tell me that the Emergency Vet called him to let him know her ashes are there.  we can go pick them up.  i decided to wait for him to be home and come with me.  there was a moment where i wanted them here right here with me tonight.  but knew it would be better to wait.  i'm grateful for this time to properly heal.  mostly, i know it was the right decision at the right time, and that it will take a while for missing her part to ease into it's place.  bulimia cat has been staying very close, sleeping in all of her spots.  i told diva that now she could sneak up on kitty and scare the be-hay-soos out of him, like he did to her all the time.  i'm watching for it.
wednesday is my blood work follow up, and i hope to get started rebuilding this old body...spackling,  oiling the rusty parts, and doing whatever needs to be done to get back to a healthy state.  it's time to take care of myself better.  it has been a helluva year.