a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, March 06, 2013

it's been such a long while since i sat here talking to you.  wow.  2/28 to be exact.  and since then so much and so little has happened...so much is shaking out and so much tucking in...i freeze and thaw, and rage against injustice, my self, short sighted folks, cracks in the ceiling...anything and nothing.  i have always been brutally honest with you, and will continue today...let me say that i have never not ever judged someone based on their outwards...just their inwards and actions and intentions.  i have been unable, of late, to do myself the same kindness.  i have been at war with my weight, my hair cut, my crooked teeth, my wrinkles, all of it wrapped up into one and each separate part.  down to my toes.  after quitting smoking, and after taking Lexapro years ago, i began gaining weight at an alarming pace...moving from size to size before i could clip the tags from the next up size.  and when i got my results back from my "well" visit...oy vey...numbers off the deep end of the charts.  and winter lagging on is not helping matters at all.  at all.  my Big Girl job is going fine.  but ... my brandie new studio just 2 blocks away sits idle for the most part.  some days after work, i stop in and just smile in the middle of the room.  i have finally found fire in my belly and am eager to get it focused, and need to spend serious time ensconced.  right now, i am spending just 1 weekend day there.  period.  and am grateful for that, don't get me wrong.  but.  yet.  ach.  but it's all tumbling about inside and occasionally spilling out in the form of tears.  or a bad word.  and the thing that frosted my cupcake was that i finally made some time to get to my doctor to ask for help.  to say How Do I Get My Weight Out Of the obese range according to the internet?  how do i get healthy, cholesteral-wise?  and triglyceride-wise?  my hair...eh...it'll grow. but my exploding veins and lumps and bumps and whatevers - not such a cosmetic fix.  and my doctor was Too Busy to go through the list.  she stopped after sinus infection & UTI, and handed me a prescription for Augmentin.  and said Make Another Appointment and we can address the rest.  now, would that be before or after my heart attack?  but i'm being dramatic here. i suppose.  but my faith in the medical profession has gone pfft.  how do you find a good doctor?  word of mouth?  where do you advertise that you need a referral?  here?  let me know, please.  okay - i'm going to stop now and make some dinner.  i know - right in the middle - like my doctor.  former doctor.  but really i'm miserable and don't want to spread it around.  so goodnight and be well.  trust me - be well.  we are all on our own out here.

1 comment:

Kim Mailhot said...

Having a lot of those same battles here. But I think I finally hit on the solution for me. We shall see. The biggest part comes not from berating myself for past mistakes, feeling guilty about the numbers, or finding some diet that will fix me once in for all. Or thinking that a life without ever eating cheesecake again is a life worth living ! It is about being kind and firm with myself, but most especially loving ! Making conscious decisions in the moment, because that is the only thing I can be sure of. Doctors don't have the all answers for you, honey, though they can be of help with some things. You have the anwsers for you. And you have today to be good to yourself. I think that is the only place to start. And to go forward.
Sending big hugs to your incredible self - every single bit of you !