finally - a morning to ease into...i took a bubble bath last night (!) and relaxed on the couch with Diva & bulimia cat vying for best position...i highly recommend this bubble bath: Primal Elements Rubber Ducky. It's the official bubble bath of ElDorado 2011, and absolutely addicting! so i had a soak and a relaxation hour, counted my diary of smoking and saw I only had 6 cigarettes yesterday - down from 25! we 3 went to sleep early, all snuggled in. today is busy with the details of the show ...tags, pricing, inventory list, and all sundry matters that need attention. i refuse to get caught up in facebook today, and waste my time. The sun is shining, though, and the cardinals are out in full force calling me to sit on the deck for a bit, so it's a tussle. still a bit too cold to go out in my jammies, so i'll work. i am loving my part time job...just the right balance of everything...not too busy, not too many hours, something different every minute. i enjoy my co-workers, and have the opportunity to go outside and stare at the hawks whenever i want. the facility is all windows, so i can see when they are near the nest (the hawks, not co-workers) and expect to be able to watch any babies fledge. not sure of there are eggs, but time will tell. i feel like i am finally stepping away fully from the crankiness and "off" feeling that has dogged me since october. resentments that were being held have been released, and i'm moving on, not wasting time to analyze why they were there in the first place - why waste more time? i am happy & have deep gratitude for where I am and what I'm doing and what's been given me in life. it's interesting to me to see other friends and acquaintances as they go through life, and hear their expectations and things they look for. a lot of the younger (30 and under) people i know are struggling with their identity and how they fit in and what their purpose is. then the 40's people have an idea of what they want to accomplish now that the kids are out of the house. when you get to the late 40's+ it's all different. when i turned 50, i had the sudden realization that my life was basically half over. should i live a healthy life, it was still unlikely that i would hit 100, so i needed to do the things most important to me. now. and there was no time to luxuriate in "finding" myself - i was right there, and no amount of guru time would change it. the secret was that in living my life, i was who i was. no searching needed. i didn't need to know how i would react in a given situation...i would deal with the situation when/IF it came up. i didn't need to be more like someone else to be a better me...i was who i was for a reason, and who cared what the reason was. i am who i am and need to get busy with life. the kind of leisure, vacation-y things i chose changed too. i love getting together with like-minded ladies! but - there has to be some substance behind it if i'm going to pay someone else for the experience. for years i've gone on art retreats every summer/fall, and these have changed my life. it's about the gathering together of women...artistic, creative women. and i have cherished these weeks like a lover. but it's also about the art, and the skills learned while i'm there. the deep friendships that have been made have inspired my artwork in ways i could never have guessed. and enriched my life in ways i never thought possible (and i hope i've done the same for them!). one of the biggest disappointments i had to overcome these past months was the fact that none of my family of friends would be traveling to meet this year. and i know that even if they were, i would not have joined them, unless it was for a weekend, apart from the retreat. all expressed to me the same feeling that the time was planned for a younger group this year - finding their voice, centering themselves in the chaotic world, building courage to take back with them. at first, i felt a dark flash of anger that "my" special week had been ruined - that the only time i would see most of my tribe of friends was that particular week...no sitting by a roaring fire with bottles of wine and stories from the front lines...no talk of paints and wax and technique, as we picked phtalo green out from under our nails. we had been bumped out just by the choices of class offerings. alarmingly, the resentment grew until it was unspeakable...i was afraid to share what i was feeling because it was just so ugly. between being sick, and holding this back, i was unable to create. not a single drop of paint, not a single gemstone strung on a silver wire. and the bigger and uglier the feeling got, the sicker i got. hmmm. when i lost my hearing, i finally got scared enough to fixate on something else, and eventually the wind was shifted from the Ugly Boat sails, and it began to deflate. and finally today, it crossed my mind for the first time in about two months, and i realized that i had stepped away from it...without meditation circles or any spectacular means...just getting on with my one precious life, and not wasting whatever time i have left. whew - this did go on! i guess the quick version is this: each stage of a person's life brings different things, and different priorities, and all of it is good, and all of it has it's time...just like the Bible (and folksong) says...to every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose. i'm no longer feeling the ugly anger. disappointed? yes. very much so. but i have to believe there is a reason for this, so i'm going forward with gratitude - real, true gratitude. because if there's something more important than hangin' with my girls, then it must be spectacular. and to the ladies: I miss you each & every one!