yes yes - i will be going into work today. despite. that was my word for the year, i remember - "despite." this year i may choose "notgonnadoit," or "can'tmakeme." among a thousand reasons, valid and selfish, and just plain reasonable and understandable, i decide to choose the reason why i should. because my team needs me and they have been overwhelmingly supportive and helpful to me. now, here are a list of reasons why i should stay home: because i have a huge i mean H-U-G-E load of incredible papers i got yesterday for free. yes free. thanks to my angelfriend Georgia. she hooked me up with an annual giveaway that's done at a local letterpress company. they just Give Away their odd bits and pieces and stacks STACKS of onion skin (unopened reams!) and heavy, textured stock, and all manner of goodies, both plain vanilla, manilla, and patterned. they are beyond lovely. and i came home and started working with them and am in heaven. i have a painting/collage that's coming about much more slowly...it's on a 12x12 canvas, and the size is daunting. and it reacts way different than the gessobord. and for once, i am working through the perfectioist and actually putting down some color and glue and stuff. yes - i admit i had to have an entire conversation with myself about it...and kept the riff going till the hand grabbed the chalk and made some marks. and Totally Screwed It Up. my convo went like a continuous loop: "yeah, Linda, don't do anything yet, because you know if you screw this up, they aren't making any canvas anymore. no more. this is the last chance evah that you will ever have to use canvas, so be careful you dork." and i realized that it would not be the end of the world if i hated what i put down. a little bit of gesso or tissue paper would cover any hating. and in the extreme case of hatred, i could *gasp* just chuck it and actually buy a new one. yes! and what makes this whole scene even crazier is that the very canvas i'm using was a gift - free - from Susan of Port O Pines fame. so now excuses. so the chalk did not work. BUT those watercolor crayons i had to buy 2 years ago for an ill-fitting workshop? they work dandy! i want this piece to have something to say, as opposed to the fun ones i've been doing. my challenge is to not get lost in the details and drama of it all. i realized a few years ago that i was asking quite a lot from my chosen materials - to speak for me. and i eventually backed down a bit and just picked a few key points from the monologue. i've been happier with my work since then. and have actually been able to finish some pieces! this past month i've felt a shifting and changing within. more bona fide, if that makes sense. maybe it's because i'm making art again, after a few months dry spell. not sure, but i feel the wolf within, and have claimed her calm assertiveness. today is the anniversary of my dad's death. that was reason #1 for wanting to take the day off. to mark it in a thoughtful and meaningful way. my dad was a workaholic, so i suppose i will be marking the day much the same as he marked most occasions...by working. whether it was fear of failure or pride and wonder at what he accomplished - something drove him hard. i have that in me, and it's more of a curse than a blessing as i hit the 3rd half of my life. yes - i am older than he ever lived to be. a conversation i had recently with my brother. this year, my brother becomes older than my father ever lived to be. i think of how young i feel, and how unready i am for the aches and limitations my body hands out. i wonder most of all if my dad felt cheated.