regarding friends

first some housekeeping: the dog still smells...the house still smells...the cat has been renamed houdini for his uncanny ability to open large sliding doors to gain access to the world. now for the friends...through many circumstances this summer, i have chosen, or been forced, to think about friendships...what makes them tick...what makes them wonderful...what makes them change. i have been blessed with some incredible friends...male & female...and certainly not out of anything i've brought to the table this past year...and i hope that each person knows how very much i cherish them...it has been a difficult year to be my friend - the constant drama...the physical challenges that knock me down...the fight back up that creates a determined frenzy in my bee bonnet...and yet, for the most part, you understand and accept these things as "me" and sometimes even more so than i accept them of myself. some friendships have cooled, others gone away completely, and these are like a death that grips me with deep mourning, even though it may have been a mutally agreeable handshake. let me explain that i fight each day to get out of bed - the constant pain from fibromyalgia and the memory loss and fog...the comatose fatigue from CFS...throw in a sprinkling of migraines and of course, a little neurosis and it's a cocktail hell-bent on destruction from time to time. now, i don't tell you all this to invite you to a pity party, or play victim...it is what it is. but rather to say that it is a challenge being myself at times, and i recognize that it is a challenge being you trying to be a friend to me. and yet you are. you see all that stuff, yet don't "see" it...you see "me" and for that you get a gold star and the deepest love that i can give...my heart is yours...my hand is yours...for you have made me strong just by being my friend and by knowing when i need to go slow, or stop for a bit, or kick it into gear like maybe there is no tomorrow. so this is sounding a lot sadder than i intended...my intention was to say that i am amazed by you...your accomplishments...your strength...your life...your expertise at high hurdles and evasive maneuvers...and for what it's worth, you have my undying loyalty and friendship...i will be there for you two-fold...you can call on me any time...you are my friend. simply put, yet complexly practiced. thank you. L.