didja ever? hunh?

didja ever get the feeling that something Huge was coming? (no- aside from Uncle Morty for sedar). something Really Important...a shift...a change...a new way? i've been fidgety and uncomfortable for months now and really have had no clue why (other than the obvious)...but this felt more...hmmm...i don't know how to explain it. then today i had a few blessed moments of peace to myself on the deck with a cup of coffee and a cigarette (yessss i know) and in the midst of bodily pollution, i had an epiphany so sweet and brilliant and gentle but so stunningly clear. it made me ashamed for a moment to be on the deck polluting my body when such a wonderful gift came from Somewhere That Cared, even as i desecrated the temple so to speak. and i realized in that lightening bolt of a moment that art and i were about to have a paradigm shift. actually, we're going old school...back to when i made art for fun and bliss, rather than to prove to a particular person that i was relevant and the real deal. back when i just did it and whatever happened ...happened. and the sticky thing that is true, is that i never cared one way or the other if i was making money from my art or just making art...i had set my life up so i didn't need to depend on art as a way to survive ...so i could just express myself and be free in it...and not worry about galleries and commissions and stuff like that. last summer i determined that i did not want to be a fulltime artist again just for that reason. and i stopped the semi-madness that i was creating in my life and heart. but i didn't stop the part that still wanted to prove something to that one person who should have mattered most...the person who should have cared either way. and i bought into the lie i told myself that i needed to do that, and then i could go back to being more authentic - to over-abuse a term. so this morning at 6am-ish, i just stopped. and the relief was amazing. and it energized me immediately. and i said, oh- so this is what you've been trying to say all along. and i got busy in my studio for an hour of bliss. and the hands and the heart and the spirit re-remembered how very cool it was to work together, rather than each being off in their own worlds. and it's not that i'm quitting art, per se, it's more that i am re-balancing life. and i have a sneaky suspicion that that Next Big Thing is right around the corner as some stars have lined up. so my dreams? the ones i've set aside for pointless hours with glue and metal and solder and wood? the KitaBear Respite House...that one. that needs some attention. and i do believe it may happen sooner, now that it has my attention again. it is all just so good and tasty. L.