a quick peep

so it's time to decorate my cubby again. here's the start of it.......

i have to find little PEEP-sized cellphones and accessories to complete the picture, but it's a start. hopefully i won't get a contact high sniffing that sugar all day. so today was a PJ day...got up at 7-ish, had coffee, actually had a conversation with the stepgirlchild, then back to bed at noon. woke up to a tap-tap-tap on my eye around 5pm...diva still can't turn the doorknob. damn those posable thumb issues. let her out, threw a roast in the oven, ate, and am counting the seconds till i can go back to bed. gravity must be strong today. i feel like the entire weight of it is pushing on me. i don't feel sick sick, just weak, aching knees, and my finger joints...ouch! hot and hurty. typing not fun. but oh well. so last week i went to the 2nd (or was it 3rd?) meeting to plan this art show/event. there are 5 of us...and how i got included in the mix is a mystery to me. i am flattered, honored and confused. 4 of the most incredible, notable women i have met (outside of you) and i'll tell you, i was overwhelmed and speechless. yes - me- speechless. well, mostly. the best thing to come out of it is that 1 of the women leads a group of teens to Ghana every year for 2 weeks. so i'm sending my mom with them this summer. last summer she told me her deepest dream was to go to Africa. now - BAM - here's the opportunity. of course her husband has already gotten his agitation going. he's afraid she won't come home...he's reminded her that there are spiders there that will kill her. spiders. for real. she mentioned the fact that they live on Social Security and don't have any money. i reminded her that she put more than the trip cost on her charge card to fix up her husband's daughter's trailer last month. the one who doesn't work? who's main job is to visit her son in the local jail or prison? whichever he happens to be in. so that made her feel better. i asked her if she felt she deserved the trip. she was confused by the "deserved" part. not deserved like "i did this good thing so i can have that good thing." but deserved, as in - am i able to accept a blessing when it comes my way? do i feel that i am worthy of something good happening to me? the Bible verse "let the dead bury the dead" kept coming back to me over & over. her husband's 1st resistance was that mom has to drive her friend to dialysis 3x/week. well, mom is not the only person with a vehicle. in fact, this woman's grown son who lives with her rent free has a very fine vehicle. i mentioned that she could accept or not accept the offer of the trip...either way. but to stay home only because her husband is afraid to leave his same little house and routine would be unacceptable in the long run. i am not putting opposite resistance & pressure on her. this is hers to decide. i hope she will go...it's a chance for her to fulfill her dream in a controlled way - with a group that she'll feel comfortable with, that knows where to go and not go, and has a plan to see the people & culture, and to work within the village they will stay in. not a Carnival cruise atmosphere, where you wake up in a nice hotel and wonder if you're in Boston or Bangladesh. so i'll get the info for her and stand aside. on a similar note, this year has been marked as one where much will be required of me. i didn't know quite what that meant, as the phrase continued to come to me during my shower/meditation time. a little nerve-wracking. sounds like everything will be pulled out from beneath me and that would truly be a scary thing. but actually, the day before this trip thing came up, it was made clear that what would be required would be to help facilitate some things for other people. i can't say what, but as i continue to think about it, it makes more and more sense. throughout my life, in various jobs, i've met people in high and low places, as the song goes. sometimes, it's a matter of knowing a need and making the connections to get it taken care of. never one to fear imposing on someone to ask a favor. the worst they could say is "no" right? so things, i believe will be happening along those lines. and for some reason, i think my insecurity about my job security has been part of that. my job is secure. but i think that i love it so much, i needed to feel like - hey, this is not your life. as i tend to do with jobs. there needed to be a "step back a second and distance yourself for a minute" mental thing. so the feeling that it was time to let go of it was to remind me that there is a bigger world out there. and darn it, my MOTHER is about to see more of it than i have! i don't feel a need or desire to go with her. usually i would - to protect her and guide her, as they say. but i think she'll do best on her own with no one there who has expectations of her. she can just ...be. she probably won't want to come home! then my stepfather will haunt my doorstep. oy. so it's definately time for bed...even diva is calling from the other room. i let her sleep in the Big Girl Bed today with me. she is in heaven over that.. i do so miss her snuggly little butt next to my chest. and ...CONGRATULATIONS to Georgia Popoff!!! her NEXT new book of poetry has just come out and it's a meal. Doom Weavers. incredible. incredible. so night night y'all. Linda