bah humbug

you know, this time of year seems to bring out the best and worst in people...on one hand, people seem more generous to others who may need a hand up. on the other side, depression, bad behavior and all that seems to run rampant. today i went to the mall ONLY because i had to - my new contacts were in. (wrong prescription, no surprise). on the way through the mob, there was a guy at one of those red kettle Salvation Army things, ringing his bell and just singing bluesy carols. an older black gentleman. just ringing and singing, and seemingly happy to just be there. i dumped a pocketful of change into the kettle and felt a lump in my throat. all morning i'd been depressed. i read a few blogs that i usually keep up with, and they were all going on about what a fabulous thanksgiving they had, and how their husbands all helped with the meal and cleaning the house, and made them special hot rolls for a snack during the day, and all that. it just seemed so...wonderful. so easy. so, "I want that." i was sad because this is usually the time of year i get sad, missing special people (2-legged and 4-legged), and a very special person to me is dying. and i was sad because my marriage seems to be doing a slow dance of death. i am afraid to love my husband now. there were little moments where i thought my heart would explode with gratitude for his companionship. and then the rug would get pulled out. up and down for 7 years now. to say it has not been an easy relationship, is like saying the Titanic had a problem in the crossing. i'm scared. not of being alone. but of being financially responsible for myself. i've done it most of my life, and am capable of doing it again if need be. but i'm older now. and much more tired on a constant basis. and working part time at my Big Girl job is about all i can handle without melting down. i've learned to take care of my Self, and maybe in this taking care, it has cleared space to see where i'm not taking care so good. plus, my body is having the time of it's life disrespecting me and the rythyms we've set up....don't like having cramps and all that goes along with it, but after the first 20 years or more, you just say "okay, uterus, you've got 1 week...do your worst and clear out." well suddenly we're like a child visitation schedule, my uterus and I - 1 week on, 1 week off. my hormones are swinging like a Cirque du Soleil trapeze act, and my moods are right there in a wrist lock with them. so when your husband travels one week, and comes home during your crampy/bitchy/weepy/die die die week, there is not much fun to be had. so anyway, here i am all feeling weepy and depressed and missing kita and feeling bad for leaving diva home and mad at my mother and my mother-in-law, and this man is standing in the mall with a huge glorious genuine smile on his face, singing christmas carols and ringing the bell. so now add guilt to the list. i guess it made me realize that i do have the power to overcome and go through what is now here and what may be coming. (cue Gloria Gaynor "I will survive") . so i hope i didn't make you depressed...i just needed to vent. i'll probably delete this because it IS the holidays after all. L.