unspeakable

i've been trying to figure out a way to write the un-writeable. i thought if i sat down and started plinking away at the keyboard, the words would come. but i was mistaken. the things that have stirred in my spirit, in my soul, the past year continue to transform my life, my path, my self. imagine your best day...you feel great, people respond to you overwhelmingly wonderfully, you get that parking space up close, AND you find/win a chunk of money. now multiply that by 10...by 100...or by infinity. that is how things have been going. and it isn't that the circumstances have changed in my life, (and no, my 6 million dollars has not yet been placed in my hands!) and yes - i have had some very stressful days. but my reaction to them has shifted. they no longer control me - they are not a part of my path. i am able to push them back away from me. and funny thing - negative things seemed repelled by my joyous new nature. and to say "joyous" is not the right word...see, i knew this would be difficult to write. it's a deep, centered feeling of peacefulness and faith. these two powerful elements overcome any doubt, fear, uncertainty, powerlessness, inadequate feelings, feelings of failure, feelings of being a fraud, feelings of whatever. that list has the word "feelings" in it a lot. what i discovered as diva dog and i took a beautiful morning walk, is that they are just that - feelings. close your eyes and touch a shiny piece of polyester. "feels like" silk. but it isn't. it's a trick of the mind. (easier to wash though). the mind - often bolstered by naysayers around us - tells us we "feel" unhappy, or we "feel" ugly or whatever. kind of like the "tastes like chicken" theory. ever feel downright angry or depressed or just plain blah? make yourself smile. that was something else i learned. if "feel-ings" can trick me one way, why not beat them on their own turf? just a big smile. doesn't have to be genuine. hold it for a few seconds. kind of gets things moving in the right direction. you feel pretty silly and start to kind of laugh at yourself a little. getting closer. the transformation part is unexplainable, though. this is the after-burner part. the lessons i've learned in the past year - especially the past 5 months - have been fast & well, not furious, but you get the point. as i take a baby step in faith and centeredness and trusting myself to know myself, good & great things have opened up to me...relationships healed...others put to the curb where they belonged...still others continuing, but this time with boundaries. what a glorious life i am having at this moment in my journey. i hate using cliches and buzz words, but again, it's unexplainable. i feel like there is a destination i'm heading to and am getting ready along the way....sort of like changing clothes in the taxi, i guess. there was another time in my life when these challenges and changes presented themselves to me, but i was closed to them. i was still looking in other directions for what i've been given. this time, i didn't resist. i had the courage, and the life-knowledge to accept in what was true to me, and push back what didn't ring clear. i was ready to become myself without fear of who that may be. seems like a fair deal - give up all the illusions and crud in your life in exchange for peacefulness, self-love, one-ness of spirit with whatever/whomever you call God. a great cost? you betcha. worth it? you double betcha. a lot of conscious hard work, but the reward is sweet and tasty. i worked with a girl named Patty. Whenever you asked "how are you?" she'd say "perfect!" and the way she said it just makes me smile to think it. sorry to say, patty, but i stole that from you. it made me feel so good to hear it that i figured i could pass that on. and it's worked. people smile when i say it...they may be thinking "the audacity!" or they may just take the same simple pleasure in the word that i did. either way, it makes me think of Patty, so I smile. i'm off track, as usual, but am realizing it was pointless to try to speak the unspeakable. here's my advice: take a nice long walk along a shaded path with the sun's rays peeking through the tall treetops...sense everything...the smells of the cedars, the flowers sweetly warming in the sun...the moss...watch the butterflies tangle and play...the dragonflies as they hover nearby and check you out...listen to the calls of the different birds - and the answering song from another treetop....reach out and touch the spiky pine needles..., the soft snapdragons with their velvety orange and pink ....the rough shaggy bark. do this. take in each and every whisper from nature. be thankful and respectful of all that you have in that one tiny moment. that's where the starting gate is. L.