ah ha and surprise!

this is a quick test of the emergency blogger system...my computer is doing it's tantrum-in-the-grocery store routine, and i haven't been able to post. so i did what any mom would do - i ignored it for a while, and here we all are! WArning - my cap locks still have a mind of their own, so i apologize in advance if it seems like i'm shouting - i'm just not going to be bedeviled by backspacing and re-writing. honestly, technology. so recent developments in my surprise 50th birthday party have gotten me thinking about being selfish. that is - selfish vs. Self-ish. selfcentered vs. Self-centered. selfishness being the preening, mirror-gazing, not-sharing-your toys...or your Self. Self-ish being somewhat the opposite. to me, being Self-ish means to know your Self. your inner Self - your spirit, your soul, your mind. and in that comfortable, wonderful, confidence, there is freedom. freedom to express your Self. without fear of what others may think of you...freedom to just be you...your certainness about your journey, your path, your motives and decisions. and isn't that expression a way of sharing your Self? to be afraid to let ones art see the light of day, or beautifully crafted words such as my angel-friend's - now there would be the shame. fortunately the confidence born of knowing their Selves has brought beautiful works out to shine. confidence is not a brash clanging bell of a thing. it's a quiet assurance of who you are. it's knowing that you have a place in the world, and have a right to claim that place. it's knowing that you may be different from the one standing next to you, but that difference is just fine. you are you. and for a reason. arrogance is often mistaken for confidence, but i think arrogance is a smoke-and-mirror show for a great lack of confidence - a lack of knowing your Self....to curl your lip at others and look down your nose really reflects on your own lacking. why must some find joy in the weakness of others? to feel stronger? how sad. but once again i'm off track. so as i approach 50, i realize that i am Self-ish! but also a bit selfish. and maybe a morsel of childish. i'm not happy about it, but i may have struck a nerve with myself on this one. see, i have mentally planned this surprise birthday party for myself. word leaked out that something was already in the works, and i should "back off and enjoy the ride." this only set my wild imaginings to wilder imaginings. i have a list of guests posted on the 'fridge that i update constantly. people who are special to me. people i want to be with to celebrate this milestone. some may not realize how special they are to me - maybe we know each other through a mutual friend and met only once or twice, but their spirit spoke to mine and they remain an inspiration to me. other guests are sure not to be available, but, like the Dalai Lama & Ty Pennington, each is special for different reasons. i don't imagine a great schedule clearing for either of them, but hey, it's my party, ok! so back to my point - and there really is one! in my imaginings, i picture a wonderful room - warm, inviting, artful, spirit-ful. some jazz music, some of my brother's cool stuff that even I don't always get, good food - finger food & munchies, a great cake, flowers & candles, think evening wedding reception without all the pomp and garter-throwing...it's all about the ambience. my list only has about 40 people on it. not 1 person on it is invited because "i have to." all are dear to me in some way. well, here's where the struggle comes in. it came to my attention that the party being planned is from someone who does not know my Self. i know few details - actually just one detail - the setting. the rest can be imagined based on this 1 fact. i was filled with all kinds of silent, selfish drama when i discovered this. do i "sit back" and be grateful that the day would be remembered and marked at all? or do i intercede - gently (somehow) - and try to steer things in the direction i want it to go? as i talked to a friend about it, i sounded like a spoiled little child, and that made me sad for myself. on one hand, this year in particular has been such an amazing year for me. unexplainable, despite thousands of typed words. i want to honor the year, pay homage to the people and things that have brought such growth and enlightenment to me, in me. on the other hand....did i grow so much? is my selfishness on this point an indicator? now, i don't feel like it was all a sham. not at all. but i feel like i should have come a bit further. or have i? is accepting "less" a hallmark of Self-ishness? i expect the very best from myself in all situations every time and every where. not perfection - just my best. that "best" may vary on given days and given circumstances....but i expect myself to give the best that i am able to give at that moment. would the potential of hurting someone's feelings be worse than being able to mark this day, this year, in the way i'd like to see it done? would that be my best? i am reminded of Verushka Salt..."I want an oompa loompa too daddy!" stomp stomp. but how often do you turn 50? and how often is it that you can point to an entire year and say, "wow!" not the best year as far as smooth sailing - too many days to mark on a calendar with solemn remembrance. but the best year i have ever had in becoming Self-centered. ever. so the teeter-totter goes back and forth. and really, over quite a silly thing, given all the truly big troubles out there. i mean, floods and devastation have destroyed lives, changed entire cities and families.....and i'm having a throw-down about A BIRTHDAY PARTY. and a surprise one, at that! but...but....so what to do? last night i had a dream about a party at the Glenloch restaurant....dark, candlelit, wonderful, my friend Jen dancing on a table - as she is wont to do, and everyone brought me a kitten as a gift. where that part came from, who knows? i'm allergic and surely don't need another pet, but there you have it. and i woke up thinking that with all i could be dreaming about, THIS was the best i could do?? (well, the part with Jen was pretty funny. i've never know anyone with that much courage. scary courage). so maybe the year has already marked itself upon my heart. upon my spirit. and has taken up residence in my bones. and is a part of me. and is me. and maybe that was the important part. not the cake. not the room. maybe i've already been given the best gift of all by the Planner of All Birthdays...my Self. and that is good enough for me. hope all your days are Birth days. L. NOTE: it's not my birthday yet....i'll let you know....i got a few well-wishes after the Birthday Cake Rodeo post. no presents though!