a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

following peace

after a week of chaos and confusion, i finally knew what i knew all along about life & jobs & decisions in general: Follow the peace. i was reminded of this morsel of truth by a friend i've known since i was 12. she always reminds me of what i know that i know, but am too afraid to face, or too untrusting of myself to trust myself. i turned down the seemingly wonderful job. actually, it was just the money that was seemingly wonderful. have you ever met someone, or gone into a place, and got an instant viceral negative reaction? despite logic telling you that you're being silly? that's your "gut." trust it. get to know it. become more sensitive to it, so you don't need to go through what i just did, just so the "powers that be" can make their point. His point. yes, i believe in God. and i believe there is a right place for me to be at the right time, and a wrong place at the wrong time. trust me, i have experience in the wrong place at the wrong time! eventually, it gets sorted out somehow, but the interim is wasted time and opportunities, andnot a pleasant place to be. i think that's where regrets are born. not listening to your gut. your gut is that quiet voice, that fluttery feeling, the hair raising on your arms. that rush of adrenaline with a good or bad feeling. or in my stubborn case - those sleepless, tearful nights when the decision seems as high as a mountain, and the consequences life-altering. following your instinct, your gut, takes you back to a primal place where the decisions were fewer - deer or gazelle for dinner? cave or rock for a bedroom? instincts kept people alive for a while. even before CNN and Blackberry phones could warn us of impending doom. we may have advanced technologically, but that fight-or-flight thing just can't be microwaved out. and it was "flight" that took up residence in my bones. i just wasn't moving my feet. my focus was on the money - the expectations placed on me to be a "contributing" member of an expensive household. i may turn around in an hour and be presented with an awesome job that's "right" for me to be at, but following the money without the peace is never a good decision. i may work for less money (and probably will) but being in the right place at the right time will make the details fall into line. when i look back at the last 15, 20 years of my life, i can see where a path formed....where 1 event led to another and to another and i ended up where i am today. if any of the details or choices along the way had been changed, then my life would be a whole lot different. maybe not bad/different, but definately different. example - after my 1st husband died, and the estate was settled (6 years later), i wanted to sell the house and buy a new one. i had the credit score and plenty of equity...no problem. but that wasn't the "right" decision at the right time. as i was looking at the 1st house (3 doors down from my mom - perfect for dog walking for her when i had work overtime till 3am)a UHaul pulls up and people start moving their stuff in. a glitch in the computer had kept the house listing. okay, the next house - again a glitch - the price was actually listed without the "1" in front of the "79,000" and it was way too much. finally - the 3rd house. actually on the same lawn as my job. 5 bedrooms. perfect in every way for me. yard fenced, etc. motivated seller already living out-of-state even offered to help pay my moving van! okay- ready to sign!! the night before i was meeting with the agent for a 2nd look and purchase offer, a freak bolt of lightning hit the house and it caught fire. this is absolutely true. luckily, it was next door to 911 and the fire hit at shift change, so all those fire dispatchers were alert and got the nozzleheads there quick. but do you see what i mean? there was some apparently very important reason for me to stay put. i knew it deep down, but went tra-la-la-ing ahead anyway. had i not stayed in my townhouse, i would never have met Bill, who moved in across the street. take that as you will, but i know that today i am where i should be. today's wednesday, right? i felt a little scared about calling the perfect job people to tell them i changed my mind (or rather, gave in to what i knew i should've done in the 1st place), but that nervousness was nothing like the deep feeling of dread i had about having to walk through their doors come Monday. and despite what logic and my husband said about the money, it was just me that would have to go to work there everyday. doesn't make it a bad place, just not the right place at this time for me. i like to think i'm a person who listens to their spirit and seeks higher understandings. i guess i still have a little battle between the head and the pocket. follow the peace. a navigation system put in our hearts to help lead us along the way. follow the peace. old fashioned advice that rings true in 2006. follow the peace. what great advice. who'da thunk it? L.

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