a Tiny description

a full time artist, stepmother, radio personality, and mom to an energetic Chug dog, tries to get through the days without committing a felonious act. My life is a rickety Zen circus.


Tuesday, August 04, 2015

although i fully realize that MY life this past year pales in comparison to the year some of you have had…it is still my reality that it has been rough.  i am learning my weaknesses and shortcomings and failings and things that are downright ugly.  i am also learning strengths and my goodness and my ability to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  i am learning that 40 years is much too long to let a person or an incident have power over me.  as is 40 minutes.  or even 40 seconds.  i am learning that sometimes i can make a mistake (true!) and sometimes it's a biggie.  but i know my mistakes are not made with a malicious heart.  and i know that sometimes a mistake is not a mistake…it is a hard decision that had to be made, and wishing i could take it back won't help the situation or the future - it has to be what it became.
case in point: Purrl.  It was becoming more difficult to have him here - he was pooping on the rug every day at least once, and Henry found it delicious.  my house was a series of barricaded doorways to keep the dog out of this area or that area…my downstairs bathroom was actually a giant catbox.  and i'm not much of a cat person - being that i'm allergic.  Purrl mostly stayed to himself, but the pooping thing was too much.  i gave Perfect Stepdaughter (who is the actual momma to this cat) and exhusband 1 week to find a home for Purrl or one of them would need to get him to a shelter.  yesterday was the day.  and the whole shelter thing - i didn't believe either one of them would be that heartless.  ex said he was working on having a friend's daughter take him, and then came to pick Purrl up with all the various and sundry brushes, litter, food barrels, etc.  It was hideously and indescribably sad watching as Purrl panicked in the carrier, trying to get out, and Henry whined and circled the carrier.  Ex finally put it in the car and left.  i sobbed the whole way to work.  and in the baathroom once there.  But i knew Purrl would have a good home where he would get ALL the attention.  Later in the day, i got a text from Perfect Stepdaughter begging me to give her 1 more day to find a home for him…that her dad had told her that his person didn't pan out and that he was dropping the cat off with her.  I can't begin to tell you what began to wrench in my gut…Purrl wasn't a bad cat and deserved a VERY good home.  just not mine.  i suddenly looked around at the beautiful 4-bedrooms i have and felt very selfish.  i am still dealing with that.  i had called my mother sobbing like a child that i had a picture of Purrl scared and in a cage somewhere because of me. she tried to reassure me that i had made the right decision, but really (lightening bolt lesson) really what i needed was just space to grieve…someone to hold my tether while i drifted a bit.  letting someone cry copiously and blubber out their pain is difficult…to just stand and hold them in their grief. i am so so so grateful and blessed to have 3 people in my life who "get" that … who instinctively know how to let a person just grieve, and not have to calm them down or fix it or make them feel better…just let the balloon lose air.  as my mother spoke, i had to ask her to just stop…she was invalidating my grieving process…she was squashing a natural part of loving someone or something and losing that person (or animal).
and that was the lesson of the day.
this has been a year of epic sadness and grief for me.  not the worst, but right at the top of the list.  and this year has been do-able because i let myself feel the intensity of the good and the bad, and let myself learn the lessons that each had for me.
i look to God and say "okay, enough!" but suspect He has a few more tricks up His sleeve.  i need a rest, though, and i need my art to return to my hands.
my life has truly come full circle…back to the 90's, where my first husband passed away and i was alone trying to figure things out, with 1 dog and a fenced yard and working in radio at the very same job in the same company.
i will be on alert for neighbors bearing gifts and asking for dates this time around.
sorry for the ramble. please say a prayer for Purrl.

No comments: