"The space between
the tears we cry
is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between the wicked lies we tell
and hope to keep safe from the pain…"
did i listen to that song hundreds of times in the past few months…years…?
somehow, I've squeezed through that space, and have, indeed, found the trampoline to bounce out of the rabbit hole…yes. everyday is Yes. and more. is it everyday easy? au contraire. some days are totally a joy and a wonder and candy frosting on an ice cream scoop of love. somedays, it's just shit. but that all meets at the median point of pretty damn good, my friend. it's easier in that i know where the edges are, and i can step to them if i choose…or not. i can listen to my body and respect it's needs. there is no more martyr in my soul. the strong intuitiveness has found it's voice in me again. and now a new space occupies my need to make art once again…to restart and jump start and get the fire going - to dance and proclaim and cook a soul s'more over. and that new space, despite all this oogly googly talk of dancing around fires and proclaiming, the new space is a calm, intuitive assurance deep within. i feel the last gasps of struggle, as the need to KNOW what's ahead and control it fights against the certainty that all is well. even if it isn't, all is well. there is a reason and sometimes you just don't know why until after….whatever after after is. and it isn't fake-it-till-you-make-it, or keep up a good face - because God knows mine has been streaked with ugly cries. it's more that knowing, as you go through hell (and we all do) that there will eventually be a reason to be grateful for the fire. and pray that you can get through quickly!
so the new space sounds more like this:
"…We are the night ocean
filled with glints of light.
we are the space between
the fish and the moon
while we sit here together…"
My favorite poem - soon to be painted on my new bedroom wall.
I am returning to a place that started it all in my soul…i am returning as a different person…i'm not sure why this absolute need to return, but it is a strong pull, and i've learned to heed that. I thought that I'd put everything in those woods to bed, but i am new, and for reasons i don't know, there is something for me there, once again - perhaps a connection to make, perhaps to be someone else's connection, who really knows…but it is certain that i belong there this year. and having had some amazing opportunities presented to me this season…none of them settled right within my heart - through no disrespect of the offering NONE whatsoever. i would love to be on a private island with a private chef and all the art materials i needed! and the offer was amazing - just come. or travel to New Mexico…*groan of longing* or see the amazing goodness of a treasured soul on the Pacific coast - again, Just Come! thank you - from a deep place in my heart, thank you. but it isn't where i was meant to be this season. i will follow the leading of my gut, for once! and speaking of gut - time for lunch, and a walk in the woods and then to work. Thank you for holding my place here these past months…for returning to check on me…did you know I held each of you in my cupped hands and brought my hands to my heart each and every day? hard to believe but true. and in that act, you helped me stay grounded…helped me re-remember that there's more to this than the moment, and that my life's worries had been traveled through before by you. thank you for looking back and grabbing my hand…