…and post two a day, as a make-good for the recent long, dry spells.
so an amazing thing has been happening and just sort of came to a wild in-my-face get-through-this-shit ah-ha moment. (enough with the hyphens, let's move on to the dot dot dots I'm so fond of).
For the past however long, I have been in this You Are Invisible, Unimportant, Unmissed frame of mind. I have been feeling downright dejected, and like nothing will never ever be the way i want them to be in my life. i have helped many get their art careers going, and going strong sometimes. but can't seem to promote myself. not out of feeling less-than, just feeling tired every time i thought about doing it…posting that fantastic post on Facebook or here in this blog, or pushing for a show somewhere. i just can't seem to follow through and have let some cool opportunities slip by. and yet - have felt a hot jealousy when the very people i help - get shows and opportunities. not wishing them less, but wishing myself more. and feeling like my magic touch had turned sour on myself and felt old and fat and unneeded and obsolete. oh big old sigh poor me. and some addictive behaviors started rearing their heads in the whiff of an opportunistic sniff of a maybe chance to roar. but the dragon remains asleep. save for 7 or 8 sets of china. and i knew full well that maybe that wasn't my path, so things were actually working out pretty well. but still i wanted wanted wanted. pout foot stomp hot tears swearing much wine drinking. but there was a teeny spark of magic still holed up in my heart that refused, absolutely refused, to be smothered. and that glint of a spark held tight and sure, and slowly reignited all the broken bitter bits that had fallen from the heart that had squeezed itself so tight that it was numb and felt like an old leather glove…brittle bits of that ugly heart reignited like a Phoenix and began to warm this heart and shine brighter and brought life and laughter with it (and s'mores, of course). and on the day when there was just the slightest flicker of the flame, an unimaginable gift arrived, and attached was a note "YOU WERE MISSED." I was missed. out of 200 people milling about at the most fantastic spot in the universe…I was missed. I swear to you, my heart burst. full out. in the middle of the day, in front of The One who believes less in me than I even did…it burst. and i pointed to the gift, and the note, and watched a curious expression on the face facing me. then i came up here to tell you about it.
I was missed. hot damn and don'tcha know.