Sunday, May 11, 2014
i know i owe you all an explanation, but the quick answer is - there is no quick answer. or easy answer. i don't actually have an answer to give you. things are shifting and changing at a roller coaster pace, at times, and i have to hold tight to the reins and make sure that i am the one in control of the changes…that i allow in (or out) the things i feel appropriate. the other day in meditation, i looked at a statue of Ganesha - the remover of obstacles. and asked that obstacles be removed. the instant thought that passed through my head was: "what obstacles?? you haven't set a course, so you know not what the obstacles will be." And it's true, i realized. just wanting things to "be better" is not a plan. it isn't a goal to reach for. so i've been trying to nail that jello to the wall…what do i want? where do i want to be? when do i want to arrive? theoretically, the world is an open avenue for me. i am an artist, so i can make art anywhere. i am employable in a handful of industries that don't require my physical presence in an office. i could be on a beach, for example, answering phone queries. or tucked away in a wooded retreat in Vermont or New Hampshire. needing just a reliable phone line and internet. and Henry. always henry. he is my love in a crazy, fierce way that i never saw coming. so, with this shifting sand, i hesitate to spill my thoughts, as they will change minute-by-minute. know that you matter to me and have kept me from spinning into the galaxy at times. know that the least "hello" has meant so much. know that i am working towards better-than-okay-and-thriving-once-again. and i am aware that my visceral reaction to particular aspects of my life is simply my gut telling me TURN AROUND, and yet i plunder forward. it will all be good. it's the middle that gets messy.
at 10:53 AM