i'm not quite sure what is shifting under me...what is making my balance unsteady...but it sure packs a whollop...and today, it slammed me to the ground, then picked me up and dusted me off and (just for effect) did it again...how many 20-minute moments did i spend sobbing in the ladies room - who knows...starting my day with my husbands question "so have you called a lawyer," should have warned me back to bed for the day, but no, i pressed on furiously...tenacious as a terrier...curiously determined to make it to work on time, with or without mascara running down my face...it was, of course, the wrong choice...when everything in me was quietly telling me to be gentle with myself today...so i sobbed through the morning, took a late lunch, which included sobbing in the deli...that actually was kind of wonderful all-in-all, as Sophie and the grandma's came around the counter in their roast beef streaked aprons, all hugging me "what's wrrrong hooney? is a man? i tink a man? only a man could make for this cry." which of course made me cry more and want to be part of their big hugging family. the granddaughter works the checkout ...she's 30-ish, gorgeous, funny, and wonderful. and after 5 years, knows my life story. mostly. she took 1 look at me, all snotty and puffy, and said "husband or stepson? never mind. i keel both." that got us laughing and snarking...talking about the new special of the day, etc...luckily i had paid when moments later "our song" came on the radio, and i beat feet before i started all over again. so discombobulated. then i walked in the door at home, and felt i had made the right choice. just like that. just like the whole chaotic day had not happened. just like when one of my favorite patients called just at the right time "i may be a toothless waitress with a 5th grade education, but that s.o.b. is mean and i left him." that favorite. i told her that she deserved only good, and that she was a wonderful and strong woman. that tickled her. then, just because it was that kind of day, i gave her a free set of dentures. because i can. and because she deserved a hand-up (although she's doing pretty damn good on her own). she started crying...you guessed it - i started crying. i can't wait till the listeners-and-scorers hear that one. so my friends, it isn't really a pity party...just a little turbulence. now, i think an early lights-out is called for. and maybe a sick day real soon...heed the call to be gentle with myself. you do the same, now. L.