i am

sometimes i'll grab a minute or 4 and look back through some of my posts, and it sometimes amazes me. sometimes i don't recognize the person who wrote it. sometimes i think someone stole my passwaord and wrote a post. that person sometimes sounds so ungrateful, so shallow, so out of touch with what is essential. sometimes i want to delete the post, lest someone else read it and think maybe I am totally absorbed with myself and every little drama that wisps past me. but, ah, it's out there already. so i wondered how i could feel so detached from that person, as i read some of those posts...how could i not feel that those writings belonged, somehow, in my blog? and i realized that yes, for better or worse, those posts are a part of me...they are the story of a heart and of a spirit as they grow...as they feel beneath the cover of earth for one another and graft together, then break through the ground into the sustaining sunshine...from opposite ends of my garden come the yin and the yang...the wild child weed and the cultivated rose...belonging together to create a whole...each part needing the other - one for strength and stamina and perserverence to get through the hard crust of earth...one for softening the edges and providing beautiful fragrance to those passing by. lately, i feel the graft taking hold more and more...not having to feel that being Earth Mother is mutually exclusive of being silly and so-called immature. each are true and authentic...each are respectable and acceptable. i have a friend who's a Tibetan monk...he is titled "Venerable." i think it's time i, too, feel that title for myself...not in ego or boasting...but in acceptance of my self as the person i was meant to be...no less than those i have admiration for, it's time to move past comparisons and wonderings. and just be. i am. i AM. I am....all those things and a few more and a few less...but just exactly what i am supposed to be. i will allow myself introspection. and i will allow myself silly, shallow moments, as always. but i think i will just Be with them and stop trying to figure out which is more correct or more "me." they are both part of me, and i know i have been comfortable with that, deep inside, for a very long time. i just didn't know it was okay. so i guess, half the time this blog is for amusement and entertainment as i go through my I Love Lucy-like life, and the other half is Mantra-momma. and when i figure out the bigger questions, i'll be sure to let you know. L.