ok so maybe this will be a monthly space. who knows.
it appears i have deeply disappointed someone though. someone who, unbeknownst to me, had put me on an (undeserved) pedestal. she sent a heartfelt and strongly-worded email explaining that i had no right to put myself out there as some sort of "spiritual, earth mother goddess, telling people to follow me like some sort of Pied Piper of the soul." Whaaa??? wait. take a deep breath. I am me. nothing more, sometimes less. and never not ever have i offered out anything but what my life has entailed…never once expecting to be considered as a Goddess. (though i like earth mother a bit, without any woo-woo attached). it was because i said the F-word in a post. the F-word. and if you knew me for reals and in person, you'd know i said that and much more the past year, while i wished death and boils upon many an attorney and soon-to-be-ex. Hardly goddess material…hardly someone you'd pick to emulate. i would hope. if you had a choice, I'd say Pema Chodron, or Karen Maezen Miller. But i would bet my last fig that they've each let go with a resounding curse from time to time. maybe before they became who they now are, maybe we'd all be surprised what a nanny-cam would show. But Who Cares?? This has been, i will say, a difficult year (to underscore an understatement). it has been a year in which i fell down a rabbit hole, met a dark queen, had tea with a mad hatter, came within inches of committing a heinous crime, lost my mind, found it, lost my soul, refound that, was grabbed by the ankles and spun, kicked the Spinner and became re-grounded and centered. once the spinning in my head stopped. so. somewhere in there, i was supposed to be a goddess?? i haven't even shaved my legs in so long, i'm not sure it's even possible anymore. so this is a big fat group apology to anyone who felt that i was to be the leader of the pack…i will sometimes end up ahead of you in the battle, but i cannot lead you…you are the sole someone built to lead yourself. that's how it is intended. if you look at my battle, and my ease, and see something you can take away from it all, so much the better. i care deeply about all of my friends, and even some not-friends. but….i do not purport to be a Pied Piper of your soul…of your life…that is your journey and your decisions and it will all be okay in the end - if it's not okay, it is not the end (love that movie!).
so move along - there's nothing to see here…just a woman in her pajamas, who's slightly impressed, yet confused, that she had that kind of impression on someone, but slightly sad that she disappointed (yet another).
In all of this swirling nastiness that was my year, i did learn to be grateful for the ugly bits, as well as the bright & glittery ones…i learned that I can still stand, even after all the dodgeballs were lobbed at me, and that the Outer crap does not need to dissolve the goodness inside…that it can actually make the Good gooder, and make determination more determined. i learned to lift my gaze, step over, and move forward…making certain to wipe my feet before proceeding.
right now, i have a date with my Perfect Stepdaughter, who has grown into the most beautiful and smart and amazing woman, and is bringing muffins for brunch.
walk beside me. we'll both learn.