the good, the bad, the ugly, right?
Last night was the ugliest of ugly, with threatening emails and gulping sobs, and a late night phone call that just proved how little i am loved in this house. aside from the 4-leggeds. and i don't write this for pity or attention or any other thing. just to share. just to say hello, friend - i hope i haven't worn you out…that i've heard you, as well, as you muddle through your Very Difficult times. this sadness thing sucks us in up to our knees and waists and just to our upper lip…allowing for breath, but sometimes closing off the words. to just sit with someone while they move through the quicksand is a gift. to make yourself a houseguest for someone for a time, till the scariest bits are past - well, that's a shade into the color "martyr." But believe me, it is a Gift of all gifts. to just quietly be there with someone, not as a distraction to "get them happy," (because it isn't always a happy/sad thing), but to just be a beating heart and helping hand…to start the bath water when they don't feel like they can even manage a shower, or make the coffee when grief has stolen their ability. to do the simplest of simple chores. or not. or just sit and read a book, but be there so the emptiness doesn't turn into loneliness and join up with the deep sadness and overtake a weak moment. yes. to keep them walking the earth when there doesn't seem to be a damn good reason why they should. you can't solve this for them, and to offer suggestions is annoying. but the day-to-day stuff gets forgotten while the heart & mind process this Big Difficult hairy monster. and the animals need food and playtime and the carpet needs to be vacuumed and hair needs to be washed…so many details, when all they want to do is lay there tucked into a warm, heavy quilt.
Last night was the ugliest of ugly. so far. i suspect in weeks to come, last night will be a trip down candy cane lane. and i suspect i will treasure your friendship exponentially by the week. and though i can never not ever begin to repay you, know that your least littlest kindness should come back to you by the ton. you deserve so much more than the world could return to you. and i thank you.