identity

so, a lot of time was spent in the fall thinking about time. as i hit my 49th birthday, i wonder : who am i? i remember when i was a kid, anyone older than 16 was old! 30 was really old. 40 was, well, really really old. at 50, you were someone's grandmother. you became invisible. you didn't really pay attention to those older folks in the shopping centers (believe it or not, there were no malls back then). they were just old people. doddering. foolish. old-fashioned. guess what? i'm almost there. and i don't FEEL doddering or foolish. true, my knees and hands aren't what they used to be. true, i sometimes forget the point of my sentences. true, i've heard myself start sentences with, "when i was your age..." but that doesn't make me an old person. does it? not like when i was young. and i fear becoming invisible. outdated. obsolete. i've seen communication go from 5-cent phone booths (yes- phone booths), to 10-cents to 25-cents and now 50-cents. not that anyone uses them. then bag phones, 25-pound mobile phones. now, everyone has a Star Trek-like device jammed in their ear so they can walk along (hopefully) talking to whomever on the other end. just what is so urgent that it has to be discussed 24/7? i remember having to wait till the "cheap time" to make long distance calls. now, any night or weekend will do, or any time of day if you're on the same network. home computers, microwaves, and *gasp* color TV all came into being in my lifetime. remember rabbit ears? so, a part of me feels very very old. but a part of me feels the same as i did when i was in my 20's and matching my legwarmers to my outfit du jour. i feel the same, but different. life is more precious to me, but not so serious. the drama of it all is past. i've learned that taking chances in life won't necessarily kill you. there is no right or wrong path to take. just don't stand still. take the path and make the best of the walk. it may be an uphill climb, but isn't the view the best from the top? it may be an easy paved path. don't we all wish for that? but anyway, to the meat of the matter. who am i? i don't need to spend a lot of time on that one, but it's interesting to watch how different people react differently to me. i guess it depends on when they met me in my life, or how they wish i was (as opposed to how i am). or maybe it's the situation they see me in most. for instance, the people at my job know me only in that environment. when i say something that doesn't "gel" with their perception of me, it's kind of fun to see the look on their face. my husband met me when i was taking a break from my art and recharging. i was in my badass phase - working at 911 and trying to keep a shell around my heart to protect myself from the horror of the job. art would crack that shell too much. so for him, this "art thing" is new. a phase. a hobby. hard for him to take me seriously as an artist. i understand it, but am frustrated by it. and sad that he is missing out on me. my artists friends are probably the ones who see the real me. i am constantly amazed when i look in the mirror. i have a mental picture of how i look on the inside - sort of a Stevie Nicks-ish spiritual type of look. ah yes - like the "artsy old ladies" with all the layers of Bluefish clothing. back to the old thing! last year, i cut my elbow-length hair short short short. like, can't even comb it short. i was working in radio and getting up at 3am. 2 of my 3 dogs were very old, and very high-maintenance. the hair had to go. i miss it now that my life has gotten simpler. but it's hair. just hair. i feel like a tall, thin, elegant woman. in fact, outside, i am short, a few extra pounds proceed me, and as far as elegant....well, not always. rarely. so should i become more the inside me? does it matter? i wonder if people would react differently to me if i dressed and acted more like the inside person. i'm comfortable with each role i must play - the work person, the art person, the friend in need, the friend who's there for you, the stepmother, the daughter, and yes, the wife. (although i admit, that's still a puzzle to me). so as the new year starts for the world, and also for me in my 49th year, i'll have to do some more thinking about identity and roles and what is genuine. prosperity and peace to y'all this year....and save the date - i'm having a surprise party for myself on my 50th! shhh! L.