all messed up

so i've had these weird, uncomfortable feelings in my studio lately...nothing huge and horrendous...just one of those "did i turn off the iron??" sort of feelings....a sort of Somethings Not Quite Right feeling. i tried to figure it out sneaky-like ...didn't want to give the feeling too much attention, lest i feel important and begin to grow like that plant in Little Shop Of Horrors. but today at 4am i had an AH HA! moment. i stubbed my toe on a giant sterlite bin holding various and sundry items to be glued, dissasembled, reassembled, painted, disrespected and re-respected. do you know the frustration of jamming your toe that hard that early when everyone is sleeping including the dog and if you scream/swear/cry out to God then everyone will wake up and ppfftt there goes your Alone Time? can i get a witness? just like on TV, i slapped my hands over my mouth to hold the sound back. my mouth is not actually playing on Team Linda on a day-to-day basis anyway...letting all sorts of information and commentary just slip past the guardian gate. so something as exciting as a banshee scream, well, there would be no possible way for the Mouth to keep that one a secret. so the Hands did their best, and the scream came out of my Eyes instead....i swear if i could see it in slo-mo replay, tears would be shooting straight out from the Eyes like a Super Soaker squirt gun, or a paid mourner with grocery money on the line. once the Lungs began to take breath again, the Brain, jarred awake with all the internal commotion Had A Thought. and i'll share it here: my studio is too organized. i spent about a month purging and organizing. i wanted it to be like those pictures of organized studios in books...little pencils in little soup cans decorated with scraps and bits...paintbrushes all neat and at attention in some antique vessel that they , hunh, just happened to have laying around in the barn....quirky, fun, organized. i remember the feeling when i was doing all this...like when Cheryl Hess & I used to pretend we were Barbie, or Skipper or Scooter (the lost ones - Barbie sure ditched them quick when Ken showed up in his flashy new car promising adventure. bet barbie was surprised on their 1st sleepover in the Dream House. aptly named). anyway..back to my original digression. i felt like, well, if i can make it look like THAT, then i can break this creative block...i'll just turn on the lights and la la la la drift over to my worktable la la la la and pick up a brush and some glue and VOILA! a masterpiece la la la la! then, i'll go downstairs and make a meatloaf and frozen peas and mashed potatoes and a nice bundt cake for dessert. isn't it just ginchy Gidge? so that's how i felt in some very subtle way. if it had been less subtle, i would have stopped and burned everything in a Donna Reed Wakes Up Moment. but NOW i realize...my studio is TOO NEAT. not real neat - and certainly a sty by the book's standards, but not roughed up enough. i NEED to see everything all around me. i don't trip on it then...it's inspiring as i work and my eye catches this or that ....it's like having diva sleeping on one of her many beds nearby...i love her...i love to look at her while she sleeps....i love my rusty metal - i need to see it out and around me. it makes me happy. so today, maybe.....un-purge!