**yawn**

diva's kidney clock went off at around 4am, so here we are. i figured i may as well seize the day, even if the day isn't quite ready for seizing....it's still mostly asleep....the night not ready to yield it's softglow moon to the bright sun. i don't need to tell you what i'm doing, eh? while i was taking a short crack-my-neck break, i came across an interview in a magazine with a mixed media artist. in the interview, she said something to the effect of ..."in nature, nothing is ever lost, merely transformed." she was speaking of projects that didn't quite cooperate, but i couldn't help but think, "Ah Ha!" bad news for my cellulite...good news for those persistent and annoying little Things About Myself That I Wish Would Disappear - habits, attitudes, the like. so i spent some time thinking about the past year....a magical year indeed. that annoying and compulsive list-making habit that's dogged me since as long as i can remember, for example, transformed into a necessity - keeping my various spinning plates in the air as opportunities came forth fast & furious. a softer edge to the compulsion, though. rather than lists made almost as a superstition to ward off any unforeseen problem, (if i planned for it, it won't control me), more a list of ideas and plans and scheduling so as not to miss out. i save my little dollar store pocket calendars from 1 year to the next....they contain addresses & phone numbers scribbled messily in the margins as i drove down the hiway. (never did have an urge to corral those in a proper address book. this drives my husband to absolute distraction - he, of cutting edge techno gadgets to manage his time & information. a constant running battle of the PDA vs. the PEN ). this year in August, i checked through my old calendar. i was feeling sad about Kita's Anniversary. as i flipped through the pages filled with appointments and interviews and project deadlines, i smiled remembering those moments. and i realized how much i'd "transformed." things that may have seemed large and looming and totally beyond my capabilities to finish (or even start) now, in retrospect, weren't all that daunting once i just got to it. sound fairy-familiar? i thought i'd grown past the point where i Reacted Before I Thought. nope. i have a feeling this may be a part of me that still needs a little transforming, but to see it right there in graphite and white made me realize something about my creative inner rhythms...left to my own devices, and working on my own art, a piece of metal, or wood, or Something, will catch my eye. that spurs the creative process. there can be no dissapointment...i'm merely creating from the soul. the end result may not "work," but perhaps the time was meant to just touch and enjoy the feel of creating...just for the pure pleasure of it. to create for someone else, with their limitations - be it time, materials, or Whathaveyou, sets up a whole new dynamic. first and foremost is the fear of disappointing them. although they may have no idea how to Make The Project (or else why pay me good money to do it?) they have a sense or an idea of how they want it to look. maybe something they saw somewhere. maybe a feel they want to it, or, in the case of Memory Quilts - to recreate the person it represents. impossible by anyone's hand, i daresay, least of which my humble efforts. so i pre-stress over the end result til i get to the point where there is no beginning result. and time ticks away. and i am convinced that i have been kidding myself all along - i'm no artist. i'm just a good talker. a fraud. a wannabe. so now i have to clear away the negative Stuff, and start to plan, sketch, feel materials, gather ideas, and overcome the mental junk pile. exhausting. yes, i'd much rather make & sell, but commissions can be a lifeblood - not only in the cashflow department, but in the reaching/stretching/growing department. if i stayed in my comfort zone, then it would become uncomfortable - boring, tedious, practiced. but i've wandered. the idea that my idiosynchrocies need not be "fought" just "transformed" is so liberating. rather than spend time gnashing my teeth and feeling disappointed in myself, i can embrace those things, but marshal them - use them for my benefit, rather than let them use me. one of the directors at my Big Girl Job, having nothing better to do one day, composed and sent out actual paper copies of information regarding the outbreak of staph infections in the area. as my boss handed me the memo, i looked at her and said "you're KIDDING, right??" here i was armpit deep in work, and she hands me this.....the Queen of Purel. it started as a joke at work...we got the New Timeclock. you punch in your code, then put your finger on this little thingie and it "reads" who you are and clocks you in & out. i pointed out how incredibly germy that is, and they should keep some antiseptic wipes nearby. it was like using one of those endless loop cloth towel things in a hiway reststop. shudder. "I WON'T use it," i proclaimed. so every morning a new and different flavor of Purel appeared on my desk. i have aloe, unscented, plumeria, "fresh scent" whatever that is. done in a good spirit. but they're all almost empty now. i am NOT the only one using them. so okay, the Purel thing can get a bit, oh, obsessive. but guess who won't be getting staph! oy - wandering again. anyway....the things that make me ME...i will embrace them. i mean, who else should i be?? who else CAN i be?? what makes me unique in all of life is exactly who i was meant to be. so the things that direct me more than they comfortably should - those things need to be transformed. but maybe not discarded. and in the past year, according to my dollar store calendar, many of those transformations have indeed occured. quietly, gently, with compassion to my spirit. without me really knowing it was going on. just being forgiving and gentle with myself, allowing myself to float on the water and just go with it, steering only as much as necessary to stay away from the sharp rocks at the coastline. not a bad ride, all in all. L.