blue moons and dreams ahead

according to an astrologer friend of my brother's, this coming year is to be a very powerful one....can you feel it? have you felt that current running beneath your day-to-day? a resting and then the first wakings of ....Something. this year ends/begins with the second full moon of the month - called a blue moon...and an even more rare occurance - a lunar eclipse. the last one recorded in a blue moon month was in 1880, and that was just a partial eclipse. this year, according to the starwatchers, is to be something amazing. to quote Cat: Eclipse's always uncover or reveal something that has been hidden and what that something is, whether on a personal level or a national level, should become apparent to us soon. This blue moon eclipse will affect every person on earth in some way, however anyone who has strong Cancer or Capricorn in their chart (Sun, Moon, ascendant, house cusp etc) will be affected even more so. now, i'm a capricorn, and here's what she says: Eclipse in Capricorn: New doors of opportunity should open for you. Your hard work and determination over the long months and years should pay off very soon. i'm not one to read my horoscope, and am ambivalent about the whole astrology-as-a-life map, but just how interesting is this? maybe just something to tuck around a cocktail napkin at a small-talk-and-martini gathering, or maybe an affirmation to what you already knew. my interpretation: This Will Be An Amazing Year...this will be the year where leaps are taken, and circumstance collides into opportunity...where the quiet will clear their throats and roar, and the gentle will become gentle with themselves...and the fearful will step out and step up with warrior courage. those already living full, will live beyond even their own expectations. why do i believe this? how can we not? be well, be peaceful, be your best self...live full and healthy...i wish you abundance and hearts to hold you near and from afar...may you always feel special. my love to you...yes, You. Happy new year. Linda

spend some time

for peacelovers and birdlovers and bagel lovers.....think on this :)

so you can understand.... scroll down a few posts....Dec 16....

the night of intervention was a sweetness that was unexpected. the cards were laid on the table, and conditions and expectations unmasked and taken from foggy interpretation and spelled out (literally on paper). in order to go to europe, 4 simple conditions must be met. and those conditions were deemed fair by stepson with the dark purple circles under his eyes, and accepted immediately. he is still very much a boychild screaming quietly to be heard and held and seen and understood. and when those he looks to most rushed past and around him, he took a step this way and that way to gain attention. and then 2 steps, then 4. till finally, he was caught at the edge of the cliff, and pulled back. one condition will include counseling. my entry onto the list. to be started tomorrow. and to continue 2 times a week. or no trip. no excuses. time is too short. it was a good night. and today's harmony melded with the soltice...a spark more brightness. thank you all for your good vibes, prayers, listening ears and yarn. tonight, i will scratch my diva's belly till SHE'S done, and knit. my word for 2010 still feels right: authenticity. no - make that Authenticity. yeah. what's your word? L.

i thought hard about deleting the last post...i almost hit the delete button a few times, in fact. but left it. it seemed too, hmmm, personal and peepshow, but you know, i've always been right out there with things...good and bad...and i remember one day reading a post on another blog by someone i didn't know, and my eyes bugged out...it was like "You have peeked into my heart." up til then, i had been following blogs that all seemed to be written by people with Perfect Lives. this or that was so fabulous, and their partner was so incredible, and even the dog could speak spanish and change diapers. and i felt like a loser, to an extent. my dog might EAT the diapers, but never change them, and things in my life were good, but never quite as shiny as these electronic lives. and i began to wonder what was wrong with me...why do other people look at spilled milk and come up with a new painting technique that they copyright, lecture on, write books about, and make 1.5 million dollars off of...and i just get pissed because spilled milk meant 1 more thing to clean up. and then i read this blog by a woman who just rambled about her day-to-day and it felt so real and comforting to know i wasn't the only one who had great days, and days you circle on the calendar to avoid next year. so i said to myself that if i ever started a blog, i would pretty much lay it all on the table (while presenting myself in the best light, of course) and only hold things back if they were beyond boring, or if they were gossipy and hateful. i think i've been true to that so far. call me on it if i'm wrong. so the post stays. and while the family meeting goes on tonight, say a prayer for me...or perhaps for everyone else at the table! do y'all remember the show Designing Women? remember how the Dixie Carter character used to go off on a rant and a tear? well, i'm afraid that from time to time, i accidentally channel her, rather than the girl with no mouth, and the results are often quite traumatic for those involved. see, when i run out of my own big words, i make some up. and that makes it hard to follow just what you are getting your ass kicked for. i guess i may count on the confusion, in all honesty. i may just stay upstairs. but leave the baby monitor on & hidden. oh shush - like you wouldn't. so that's the bare facts of it all. stay tuned...more drama at 11. L.

tonight's tea: Eastern Shores Honey Lemon...warm, soothing, more honey-ish than lemon-y...perfect for the day...the day after the stepson came home with failing grades and chaos surrounding him yet again...a day in which i spent an hour on a cell phone with the exwife of stepson's father, crying together in separate stores while the cacophony of carols and cash registers covered the sounds of frustration and pain and realizing a new chapter in this convoluted extended family is at hand...with a child out of control and bent on destruction - his own and those around him...a day when no one really knew what to do and emotions were as raw as the december temperatures...it is a good tea to have tonight as hopes of continued college and trips to europe have been rescinded and financial losses tallied...and all the bobbing and weaving and lies are thin thinner thinnest...and even so there are still threads of hopefulness that this excuse or explanation may be plausible. as for me, today i lit my Hope's Flame candle fresh from Santa's bag...the one with "intention:" written on the chalkboard surrounding the cedar & sandalwood, and as i pondered my intention for the coming year, i realized it would be "authenticity." yes...that over-used word of 2009...a word i've thrown around a lot, myself...but this time, this time, i am promising my tender self to Live True to my self...or, as Swirly says - my core values. to not be defined by other people's behavior and to disassociate myself, if necessary, with people who do not share those core values. and of course, i mean those closest to me...those who share my name, but perhaps not my journey. it should be an interesting few weeks, as a family pow wow with the halves and ex's and steps all convene for a line-in-the-sand meeting around my diningroom table. i'm looking forward to 2 weeks with 4-day weekends. now...to knit. it makes sense. L.

a moments sweetness

pour a beautifully fragrant cup of tea...plug your headphones into your computer...light a candle and dim the lights...and go here...close your eyes and ....dream. from jen lee's book Fortunes. stay dreamy and go here....then get this. don't wake up just yet....a few more stops....here here ...here ...an evening well spent. i'll hold you in my dreams.

it's a dark night, as night tends to be after all...and cold. the moon was trying it's best to wrap itself up in clouds, chasing the sun "brother can you spare a ray?" and it was a night like this, so dark, and so cold - so cold you could hear the squirrels chattering teeth in the tree hollows...so cold the sap was cracking inside the tree limbs and chunks of maple candy was dropping from the sky. that cold. and i had warmed my stomach with linguini and clam sauce. from a can, the clam sauce. and had i taken a moment to check the expiration date on that can, i probably would have a different story to tell. but it was not to be. and i started feeling a little Not Right and figured i better walk the dog Now, before grim creeping death befell me. so i hitched up the leash, put on a Michelin Man layered look, and headed out, telling diva dog this would be her last walk till june, or maybe july, when the weather was better, so she'd better take care of any essential outdoor needs now. anyway, it was cold. and very windy, which in retrospect, should have been an inkling to me about the Dangers that were Lurking. i turned right and headed to the park. listening for coyotes and feeling a little nervous, but figured the clams would kill me slow, and the wild dogs would maul me quicker, so i left it to the fates. i was admiring the brightly reflected christmas lights on the newly fallen snow...Jodie's Texas tree in the window of her house...Stacey's wreath replacing her barn star. and her husband's giant blowup snowman with the spinning thingie in the belly. her husband being the Other Hillbilly on the street. and i didn't recall it being so ...large. and unsteady in the gale-force winds. so large. maybe 8 feet, maybe 12. large. and the wind was whipping like a bastard at this point. and i turned to look down at diva to be sure she was still tethered to her leash and not behind me kite-like and in the air. and at that very moment, her eyes grew very very large. and a silence filled the air beneath the wind. and a strange plastic-y flapping sound grew louder. quickly. and soon, i tell you, i was encased and being violated by a 9-story semi-inflated, untethered snowman with spinning thingies in it's steven king belly. and the thought flashed ever so briefly through my mind that those spinning reindeer were the first victims, and soon i, too, would be trapped, carousel-like inside a 50-foot plastic inflatable snowman forevermore. and as soon as that brief, yet very lucid thought flit through my endorphin-soaked brain, i became aware of a shrieking sound so loud that it covered the sound of the flapping plastic-y sound, and it covered the sound of the wailing gale-force wind. and it was my own sound. never before heard from my mouth, as i had never, believe it or not, ever been violated by an untethered semi-inflated snowman before. as my throat grew raw, diva recovered herself and joined in. i was flat on the ground. she was standing on part of my head, all protective-like. there was a giant, pointy plastic carrot bobbing at her. the clams began to dance the macarena. and i had to pee. but Frosty was undeterred. his tether was wrapped around my boot. hearing the commotion, the hillbilly neighbor came running out. he is, after all, a volunteer fireman. and there he stood in a t-shirt and sweat pants, on this cold night. and he began to laugh. and his stomach, like the proverbial bowl full of jelly, began to shake, all hanging out of his tshirt and over his sweat pants. and when he was able to get himself under control, and just before reaching for my hand to assist me, he grabbed his cell phone - the kind with a camera in it - and took a picture. a picture. of me. and frosty. laying all inflagrante in the street...a street decorated with twinkling lights to celebrate the holy holiday of christmas. and i just know that this picture will Most certainly appear, not on YouTube, but at the Christmas Open House Block Party 4 days hence. i am asking for suggestions on a new location to move to. preferably where inflatable, tethered lawn things are punishable by death. so i hope this serves as a warning....always, i beg you, Always check the expiration date on the clam sauce. mazel tov, y'all. L

like it?

go here and pack a snack - you'll be here a while!

oh y'all! i made a fingerless glove! yes, just one. but it's a start. and thanks to JustBeth at Sheep Thrills yarn shop, i believe i will make a 2nd one. this is so freaking cool. the scarf? oh. well, i got a little bored with 15 rows of this and 10 rows of that, so mine looks a bit different then the pattern intended. and knowing my incapacity for all things lengthy (art projects, directions, marriages, etc) i think i'll stick to fingerless gloves and maybe a sock. or a tiny hat. for a preemie. but i have conquered a fingerless glove. and i beam proudly. and 1 hand warmly. well, actually it isn't 100-percent finished...i don't have a yarn needle, so i can't sew up the side yet. but i will. pinky swear. L.

tarting up a bit...stay tuned....you like?

at what age will you allow yourself to be Your self? i ask myself: who are you? what clothes make me feel "right?" what hairstyle? what home? what activities and interests? deep down, Who? i am a gypsy at heart. think Stevie Nicks-esque clothes...long wild hair...i want to come back as a crow, if we have a choice. live in an old farmhouse, or very large, very modernish log home...gleaming hardwoods and glow everywhere. and a few huge studios that someone else cleans up after me. and you?

ahhhhh

tink - magic...just magic.

lately i have had little inclination to head to my studio. and have respected that wish of my spirit. a resting time. it did not come with the usual frustration, merely an acceptance of a time to rest. yet i wondered why...with the earth taking a rest under frozen ground and snow, this usually heralds a productive time - too cold to play outside, so the games begin indoors. and although i'm not sure of the answer, an inkling became clear as i stood outside in the dark this early darkness. see, i make art from my soul...and take the things that catch in the net of my dreams and thoughts and spirit, and form them into a ball in my mind...much like picking up bits of dough from a flour-covered countertop while making cookies...taking the parts left behind after the cookie shape has been placed on the baking sheet and representing those things in an artful way. lately, the things that catch in my spirit are not so much bits, but full aroma sensory gifts...the christmas lights shining through a frosted window...the woodsmoke curling above a log home in the woods...my diva's eyes as they try unsuccessfuly to stay open & watchful...the most beautifully scented candle i have ever smelled...the light shining from (and around) my newly declared sister Baby Betty and her Sid. these things melt and meld in my heart and are Plenty and Enough...I find no need to translate them with my hands...they are Special Moments that feel too precious right now to give form to and share...my spirit is bursting with the gratitude of these things...feeling humbled by the gifts given to my heart. today, we buried my husband's grandmother. she was 98. in front of a packed room, Sid spoke in his native language (Akwasasne/Onondaga) to grandma, and then to us in our language...both times i had a sense of knowing...he spoke of her kindness and openness...of welcoming him to the family instantly and without reserve or questioning...her knack for creating family out of thin air, and with her spirit's force, these new members were folded into the family as if they had been born of her and raised side by side with the rest. I stood next to Sid and Baby Betty later. none of us talking. none of us needing to. and quietly Sid said that our spirits join when there is quiet. and Baby Betty and I each took a step closer to him and hugged. just standing there encompassing. it was a day of back patting and shoulder squeezes and full out hugs....each watching out for another, yet allowing the quiet...a usually boistrous group of Irish Catholics, these core family members, respected the quietness that the day asked for...old hurts and grudges set to the side, as ex-wives and former boyfriends came to honor grandma...so big was her spirit, that even in death, she drew each of us to her and her spirit reigned over the day...people long gone from the family, joined hands and hearts with her sons and grandchildren and great grandchildren and (yes) great great grandchildren. she was called Great Great by most. just Great Great. i like that. she was tickled by it. it was a fitting name. and so it was a full day. i left the church entry, packed my step-daughter into her car wishing her a safe trip back to school, looked up at the sun, and respected the quiet...i turned left instead right at the driveway, heading home and leaving work to get by on it's own. knowing the brashness and frenzy of the office would be an offense to the quiet settled in my spirit this day. such gifts i have been given. and i wish you the Quiet of your Spirit...even in the midst of the neon and noise...may you find a bit or a piece to pull from your net and nest it away in a Special Place in your heart...namaste...peace...and many many hugs. L.

as the last month of the year goes careening past, i'm sitting on my bathroom floor, laptop - well, on my laptop, thinking about the past year...what's gotten done...what's left undone...what's left to do...in life's daily busy-ness, in the heart and the soul and the spirit...in life. if last year was one of topsy-turvey blissed-outness, this year was more of a quiet dance with reality...my reality. i'd spent the previous year chasing that Blissed Out feeling...trying new things, emerging, pushing more boundaries that i'd discovered hiding under thick vines and overgrowth...believing that the Bliss was where the Reality was found...that the unbridled goosebumpy pure joyful feelings were Center. and while i surely would've loved to lay down in the sweet soft grass of it all and spend the rest of my days covered in warm sunshine and embracing the honeysuckle sweet basil scent of it all, it wasn't where i would find my Reality....my Center. it was a much needed rest on this journey, but soon the chasing became tiresome...and my temper grew short with it all. i grew touchy and grouchy with the whole "take a leap of faith" program and my pendulum swung in the most opposite direction, convinced that struggle and hard work would provide the inner reward that was closer to Real Life. if you've ever had your index fingers stuck in one of those woven Houdini Handcuff magic trick things, you know that struggle will only get you frustrated. and the harder you work at it, the worse off you end up...more stuck. so i gave up and gave in and decided to just relax and let life happen. and it did. and i found that although i have the same desire for Bliss as i always did, i have a suspicion of the belief that i must throw everything to the wind, and the cards will fall in a perfect formation. and i was peaceful with that. i found that drawing my spirit outward brings me exponentially more happiness then looking for my own private chocolate chip cookie in the sky. i found that i am filled to bursting by giving. and that giving, for me, is truly more rewarding than receiving. i still love receiving - don't get me wrong! but when i am given a gift - whether it be a pair of rusty hinges, or a Tiffany necklace - i am overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of the giver more so than the gift itself. a quick note is as special to me as an expensive whatever. and i realized that in the stopping of the struggle to achieve, i had achieved. my spirit had grown...matured...become my Center. i learned to take better care of myself, and learned to say No when it was the best thing to say. i learned to be straightforward in my requests. i learned how being in a "victim mentality" is a sneaky bit of learning passed down like grandmother's pearls, and best left aside. i learned to go deeper and stronger into the dark corners of the attics and basements that hold all the secrets that keep prisoner Best Self. and i learned from long almost-lost lessons, the incredible joy of helping someone else become their best self. i set a goal of 1000 acts of kindness, and surpassed it and continued on. and learned to watch as others worked to reach their same goal...maybe not realizing they had such a goal, but somewhere an inkling of just how damn good it feels to Be Nice. a girl came into the SWAT office today and sat in the empty chair that doubles as our mail "outbox." we never get "company." she said she just wanted to be somewhere for a few minutes where people were happy. so we gave her a candy bar, made her laugh, and sent her on her way telling her we would put a bad note in her Permanent File if she didn't get back to work. i love that i can do that. i love that i have been put in a place that values (or fears) the magic of just letting people be free to rise to their best performance....but value or fear - they let us let it rip. and we are highly productive and thoroughly amusing in our little clubhouse of an office. (i dubbed it the SWAT team, though i can't tell you what the acronym stands for without proper clearance). (and i change the meaning every so often anyway). my divas eyes can melt my heart, and she's taught me to be tender and to pay attention to details. she's taught me that a loud, ferocious exterior often belies a scared interior, and that reacting with a bellyrub can soothe most situations. Yoga has taught me to stand tall and breathe. inside and out. on the mat and off. my art has taught me that things that may be cast-offs to many can still be coaxed into beauty. and that there is a glue for every surface. as my body failed me in so many ways this year, i've learned to look even deeper beneath the surface and to be patient with people who are slower or different or seemingly unacceptable. i've tried harder and with more intent to be a better Me this year. my word for the year was "despite." and it was a good pick. i haven't figured out my word for the coming year, but i hope it gives me as much as the last...not for my feeding, but so i can move outward even more. i may have mentioned i found a rock this year on a craggy path in the woods of New Hampshire as i trundled my way to a warm table filled with glowing hearts and shiny spirits and belgian waffles. my rock said "expand." and it touched me so very deeply. expand. more of an affirmation of where my year had been heading already, than a call to new action. i had been wondering if i was giving too much - not saving enough for myself. and i realized that it was a flow...like my Lake never running out of waves...when one shusshhed across the shore, another followed, and another. and i pictured myself as a vessel with spirit and love and kindness flowing through like light through a crystal cup...whatever was inside would affect what came through...and i vowed to keep that conduit as clear of junk as i could muster. none of this to bring glory onto myself, but to be able to share small bits and moments of respite and joy to someone who may need it...it was the outward flow that brought the Bliss...and expanding only allowed for more to come in, and more to flow out...a circle, a completion of the purpose. thank you, each of you, for allowing me to expand. L.

despite my thoughtful avoidance of chaos and overbooking, it seems like the gods are conspiring to make my scheduling a fulltime tetris-like job of fitting activities into little spaces wherever i can. and i want to go on record to say: I don't like it. i am an underbooker extraordinaire. this weekend i have a dinner in Rochester (90 mins away in good weather), but 2 gallery shows to be at...all on saturday. if we come home saturday night, then i have sunday morning to get to the flea market to look for some "junk" for a sculpture that bubbling up, then an early afternoon knitting class that i'll have to leave early for a yin yoga class. seems wrong to go to the class to practice mindfulness after that weekend, eh? so i have to pare things down somehow. the knitting class may have to go this week. luckily Diva will be at camp grandma's, so she won't get caught in the vortex. kitten is on his/her own...as he/she likes it. hey - visit the Tazo tea site...it's fun & funky. and you can have your tea leaves read! well folks, i have so much to post, but time is slipping - i've already made coffee, fed the cat, fed the dog, let the dog out, let the dog in, pet the dog, posted this, now...time for shower, get dressed, walk the dog, take out the rest of the trash, make breakfast, make lunch, and get the car de-frosted. in an hour. I am Woman. Hear me snore. L.

on shopping

hello. my name is Linda. and i'm a shopaholic. a recovering shopaholic. or maybe just a very busy shopaholic who hasn't had time to get to the crappy little mall down the road from where i live, and don't feel like getting mugged in the spanky shiny mall a little further away. and i refuse to get sucked into the vortex of the christmas commotion of Holiday Shopping. however, we got bored with negotiating detente between the kids and the cat & dog and various in-laws and outlaws and people i've never recalled meeting who seemed to know me, and *gasp* went to the mall on saturday (of all days - worse than friday because all the poor bastards like me that had to work friday were there also). i was like a crackhead in a crack shop. i had these credit cards, see, and all this shiny glittery new new new stuff was all neatly folded in color-coded rows like sweaters were red orange yellow green blue violet and black...like they KNEW that would do it to me, and i almost said One Of Each just so i could put them on my shelf that way and just LOOK at them all nicey nice never wear them just look at them and pet them. but. i. resisted. even though despite possibly because they were on sale 40-percent off and i knew just KNEW they'd be 60-percent off soon. god help me. so i sweat and gulped and scrunched up my eyes so it was all a blur of color but nothing distinct jumping out at me clawing at my purse and shrieking BUY ME with the face of Silent Scream but louder begging please take me to a forever home i will make you instantly and foreverly more happy and fulfilled...shoes handbags italian leather (large inhale ahhh) just a yoga breath of what what is that??? i must have it. and i bought. a. little.candle. yes. that's it. i had to have a bag of Something in my hand. and i love this candle. i am completely enthralled by the scent of this candle. i don't ever want it to burn away and be gone, but i have to light it to enjoy it. drats. i will have to buy another one. as a spare. and maybe the room spray too. just in case. but i just bought the candle. and took those 12 steps up the stairs to my studio and lit the little candle of no color and much scent. and thought there's a lot to be said for agoraphobia around now. and reflected on the frenzy that has become holiday tradition...where bad tempers and mannerlessness abound...all in the name of a baby who became a saviour. sweaters and candles and credit card bills. makes my head spin. Happy peaceful holiday y'all. L.

what an incredibly quiet and peacefully centering time. the holidays are usually a time of migraines and chest pains and aggravation for me, but this year i gave myself permission to...do nothing. 2 dinners that day, and i ...did nothing. i didn't have to cook or coordinate or clean up. just arrive and eat. and it was wonderful. it was the first time i've seen my brother's apt - it's in a former dairy creamery that's been re-created into artist's apartments/spaces. the vibe is awesome. so my first dinner was there. and it was a great way to set the tone for what is typically a high strung month. let me say this: i LOVE buying/making/giving gifts. LOVE it! the problem is, i usually can't hold onto a secret, so i usually end up sending/giving the gift weeks early and demanding the receiver open open OPEN please. i prefer to think of this as connecting with my inner child. but meanwhile, i'm trying to pace myself. i'm reading The Elegance Of The Hedgehog. and knitting. and working on some secret projects. i hope to have some pictures of Honor to post soon. (Hey Mrs. Top Banana...email me...i don't have it.) sorry - i keep forgetting to tell Mary. oh - and on that same note, check out her husband's Havana Banana Bread.... betcha can't eat just one! L.

HEY Y'ALL!!!!! I CAN KNIT!! LOVIN' IT! Got some spanky accessories and bamboo needles and counter thingies and round rubber thingies ... all i can say is Lock Up Your Sheep! L.

this weekend should have been illegal, it was so wonderful! undisturbed OT at home followed by grocery shopping for dinner with brother and plans for a cook-a-thon...then the actual dinner followed by art-making and to bed. (note: brother left after dinner, in case you were having thoughts). this morning i got up early and made a tub o' chili, a tub o' escarole, cannelli bean & sausage soup, another tub o' savory squash soup, and bolognese sauce over spaghetti squash noodles. i must be channeling Martha Stewart, cause lovelies I DO NOT COOK. AND and i am leaving now to go to my 1st knitting class. FTLOG. what's going on here? maybe i'm preggers. (great loud rolling laughter here). anyway, my only problem is that i ran out of freezer space for all these soups & stews and things. good problem to have. actually not even a problem at all. forget i said anything. just look away. ok i'm going now. knit one, purl two, sons of bitc

WHOO HOO!

i have the house all to myself! i have the house all to myself! (neener neener dance here). the hillbilly husband has gone off into the woods with men who fancy themselves cowboys or pioneers or some sort of burly man ice road trucker-styled man's men. i pretend he went on a business trip, as i am the queen of denial, and only once did he dare to bring the product of his trip home. many large things took flight through the garage and into the driveway. soon, he understood. i think it was the frying pan that was the final straw. although i hate hate hate it that he goes "huntin' with the boys," i have come to look forward to this season as a time for weekends to myself. and diva, of course. we just finished part 1 of diva spa night, which began with a puppy massage, but soon became a tick removal disaster. part deux will continue tomorrow. at the vet. word: the trick with the olive oil? doesn't work so well. she now smells like a dipping sauce for bread and the tick has younger looking skin. the cat stared at us both, no doubt remembering monkeys at the zoo grooming each other. this is so unfair to the diva. especially since i gave up, put some stinky flea & tick schmutz on her neck, then called the vet ER who said to wash it off and bring her in to her regular vet in the morning. i now feel like i'm creepy crawling with bugs. i am not, for the record. but what a damn bad piece of luck for someone with a germ phobia who has a weekend to herself. so - hold your sides and prepare to gasp in laughter. i am taking a knitting class this weekend. it is true. i plan to bring chocolate and zanax to the instructor, just to get things going on the right foot. i have tried, y'all, tried to learn this skill so very many times. the last time, husband's grandmother and grandmother's sister each sat on a side of me and instructed. but one was a lefty, so i kept getting mixed signals and each one became more frustrated that i wasn't doing it right and that i was listening to the other one. then they agreed that i was hopeless and would Never Be Able To Knit. who could learn under that stress?? so i have hired a complete stranger...an unsuspecting person of skill...to teach me. i hope she isn't home thinking la-la-la i will teach this person the wonders of wool while sugarplums dance and great tea is steeping and twinkle stars are dancing about us. it will be much more like giving birth, i fear. giving birth in the reality tv way - not the 1950's sitcom way where one minute lucy's all large with child, and the next BAM! there's little ricky. no i believe this will be more with the bodily fluids and much screaming and gnashing of teeth. but, as my 2009 mantra suggests DESPITE this, i will knit. and speaking of annual mantra words...it's time to strat thinking of one. this year's "despite" proved to be spot on. maybe i should choose "lottery win" for next year. if i win i'll call you. ship to shore. i used to fantasize about what i'd do if i won. now i know for sure. i'd do it all. my "despite" was joined mid-year by "expand" thanks to the Rock Fairy. and that has proven itself a worthy word also. by the way...her birds are dee-lish! i ordered a flock and have a crow-like one dangling from the ceiling over my desk at work. soon to be joined by Dreamweaver, when the boss goes on vacation. they were going to paint the SWAT office (as i renamed it) and we were asked what color we wanted. i made everyone agree to say "clear." i was quite cranky and bossy this week. in a fun way. so now they can't paint until we come up with a "real" color. we've submit: heliotrope, quin nickel azo gold, phthalo green shade...some real, some makebelieve colors. none found at Home Despot. we like our clubhouse just the way it is. and BONUS...the new new building won't be ready till at least June, so my normal-ish hours will stay till then, due to the begging-for-a-homicide remoteness of the current old new office building we're in now. well my friends, i'm off to a second try at the tick rodeo. poor diva. she was lookingforward to a bubble bath and some pink bindi on her forehead. now this. g'night...L

i think (hold your breath) that i may have finally Finally gotten my doctor to listen to me. today was an extended visit with many vials of blood and xrays left behind to be studied by people who know about those things. in 5 days, results...or more tests. i did make it very clear that i do not intend to spend my life in a fog of painkillers, nor will i accept a quality of life that has limited quality. and it was crystal clear to my doctor that either she was on board with this, or i would need copies of my records in a doggie bag to go. right then. and she decided that she was on board. and so off we sail together through the next few months, i suspect. i am not an easy patient...i question everything, i do not take prescribed medicines if i don't think the taking of them will do much more than make me feel like i'm doing Something. i will research and talk and dig and discover on my own, and bring those thoughts to the exam room table. i do not think that doctors are gods (or goddesses), rather i believe they are trained and overworked by a medical insurance system that pays them $35 a vist on a good day, under a good plan. i know they pay millions out in insurance to protect themselves against malpractice lawsuits. i know that they have dollar figures in billables to meet monthly or they are booted from a practice, much like lawyers. i don't care. i demand their best. i demand that they put aside all that crud and focus on me, the patient, just like they went to an expensive school for a very long time to do. i am not a billable. i am a person. and in return, i will not bitch that i sat in a germy waiting room for 45 minutes past my appointment time (unpaid from work) because i know my visit will make your day even further off schedule. and i don't care, honestly. it isn't my system to fix. i am just a patient...just a person who needs that knowledge you bought and paid for. and thankfully, or maybe fearfully, she rose to the occasion. hopefully in 5 days, we will have answers that will send me on my way and you will be able to book a two-fer slot again where my appointment once stood. till then...i am here, i am determined, and i respect you. i chose you. thank you, doc, for coming along. L.

sleep well, Lake

and we did...a photo date with husband to say goodnight to my Lake, although she doesn't really sleep...winter brings some of her rowdiest months....but it's harder to get there with all the snow. so we enjoyed this: and this: and while i sipped a steamy chai, saw this: and went here: and here: and took a last look at: a fabulous day filled with autumn smells and warm sun on my back and quiet, centered contentment.

a strange theme running in my life lately...body awareness. coming off the heels of the CORE show, where we all schmata'd up mannequin torsos, then dunked into a wearable art competition involving size, and returning to yoga. my yoga instructor emailed me about a local center that she teaches at called Ophelia's Place. Although eating disorders are not one of the running neurosis in my life, there was a time when i was skating and was not able to keep weight on...in high school i weighed 89 lbs. I know - look at me now. clearly i have overcome that obstacle to health! but watch this video ...replace the idea that it's produced for a "disordered eating" support network with your own fill-in-the-blank. or just enjoy the great music. i plan to contact them to see if i can be of any artistic service. (are you there Nebraska?) just watching and wondering where the journey will take me next. hey, with $700 worth of new tires on my car....anywhere! tomorrow, a photo trip with husband to my Lake, to tuck her in for the winter. hopefully pictures tomorrow! L. oh - and PS: from my brother... for anyone who's loved a Muppet or hated themself click here

so i've been spending a lot of time recently behind this screen, and also spending time noticing how much time i've been spending here. (the sick days don't count). and i honestly could spend even more time getting sucked into the vortex of a black hole of never-ending interesting places on the web and cool blogs and new stuff and on & on. and honestly, my little dog is ready to pack a knapsack, sling it over her little shoulder on a stick and run away from home. maybe head to NYC or LA to make her fortune in dog food commercials. or become Cesar's new bitch. so before that happens, i think it's time to put the parental controls on and make some limits. and make some art, dammit! so i'm going to try this...this withdrawl-like moderation thing. i just need to get perspective on this. like a bad child and a sack of halloween candy. there are so many incredible people that i know, and absolutely would love to kidnap every one of you and drag you to a wonderful house with a roaring fireplace and hot cocoa spiked with something good and have a yearlong pajama party. (this wouldn't be my house, however, as it isn't all that clean, and my dog would bite you. but A house). and i feel connected to you by keeping up with your blogs. but, i have been naughty in my domestic and motherly chores, so i am taking stringent measures. as a trial. just for a week. this whole thing sounds ridiculous but honestly...i need to focus more on my art projects in progress and it's easier to say "oh i'll just la-dee-dah over here for a minute hour day" then get down to business with the pop rivet gun. so if you email me and don't get an immediate response, that's why. i think we'll both be fine. and if you see a little white dog going down the street with a pink knapsack, know that i've failed, and please send her home. (but don't try to pet her, as she bites). L.

i had never heard of Neville Trickett, or the Miracle of Saint Verde till I noodled around a few blogs this morning while trying to decide what to wear...bathrobe, or business clothes. bathrobe won out. but for sure, i want to move here, and just live in the garden & store. and calling it a garden & a store just doesn't seem right..it is nature reflected ...it is about artists taking in nature...no that's too trite. it's about nature teaching atisans, in her gentle patient way...and how being quiet and being guided gently and thoughtfully can produce the most amazing results. click, enjoy, become absorbed. L.

very excited about.....

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/nook/index.asp

bonus!

a bonus day....cowboy'd myself to work today, and they closed our department...sent us all home because we were all sick, and kept getting well, then getting each other sick again. so we were granted a day of rest. and it's 70-degrees out! unheard of! and i will travel...just got Netflix "1000 places to see before you die" ...see you at the beach! off to the couch...more soon. L.

ok - i'm up....and ready for bed. i got a call from a woman i met (amazingly) through my mother. all i heard about for months before i met her was "debbie this and debbie that." i joked that mom loved her better...that she was mom's favorite daughter. and it seemed like everything i did - yup - debbie did. i kayak. oh - debbie has 2 kayaks. and a jeep. and fill-in-the-blank. so i finally met debbie - on mom's birthday. she's wonderful, of course. and we do share a lot of interests. and she called tonight to ask if i would be a teammate with her in a wearable art competition...she would provide the sewing knowledge and i would provide the creativity. i don't do well in team type things...i'm not real good at the part where you have to sometimes put your brilliant (to you) idea aside and let the other person's be realized. which explains my marriage. anyway, i told her i'd assist but would not be a teammate. and we agreed on that. she added that she hesitated asking me because of what i "went through on the mannequin project." and i had to laugh. finally. having just been able to verbalize what "i went through," i was able to deal with it. what was "it?" the project brought to the surface every fear and insecurity i ever had lurking inside me about my artistic talent, my authenticity as an artist, my right to claim the title of artist, and a bunch of other useful emotions...things i thought i'd left by the wayside many years ago. add into the mix that i started my piece over no less than 3 times, with each rendition reinforcing the fact that i was not All That And A Bag Of Chips, well, you had a recipe for self uncertainty that would shake a WWE wrestler. by the time i left for Squam, the only way out that i could see, was to drop out of the whole show. and i left my home with the intention that i would tell swirly that i was Out...would not be in the show. so i avoided her for that week, still not wanting to drop out, but not willing to face the demons. but also knowing that it was a gift - and that it was now, or later. so i punched my way through. for weeks before that, i couldn't even look at the mannequin...covered her with a sheet finally, just so i could walk into my studio and not have to see her mocking me with headless eyes. finally, when the clock was ticking down to 1 option (overnight air shipping), i went to work. i blasted the demons, i listened to music louder than the voices telling me i was a shame, i got up early and worked through exhaustion. i called in sick, and worked again. and harder and longer and with more sweet spirit than i'd felt towards her in some time. or myself for that matter. and i finished. and in the finishing learned quite a lot about myself, and my style of work, and working, and felt big inside. and happy. really really happy. and i sent her across the country, wrapped in miles of bubblewrap (sorry Anne) and piles of packaging. and was proud of myself. and of her. because we symbolize one another. she will stand in the same room with 19 others, all crafted by artists that i have come to admire enormously. she will stand for me, as i once again, in my soul, claim my square-footage as Artist. and i feel different now, having made it through to the other side of this epiphany...i feel older & wiser. stronger. more unshakable in my "self-ness." I Am An Artist. still. all thanks to some molded plastic, and an amazing woman named Anne Carmack. L.

spending the day on the couch with the grim reaper...fever, closed eyes, chills, legs aching...i think it was the octo tentacle i ate by accident last night in my bento...diva is smooshed next to me protecting and keeping the chills at bay. despite this, i am feeling so wonderful inside my mind...peace, centered, grace-filled. i went into B&N yesterday to pick up a magazine, and realized how many friends and aquaintences were featured on those pages...on those shelves! i am truly blessed to know so many wonderful people! Lisa Bebi is one, and her spread in Somerset Studios is something i plan to try as soon as i can get off the couch...bye for now....i totally promise to post a REAL conversation very soon! L.

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!! 822 Wall St. 2nd Flr, Downtown LA...6-10pm...let me know what you think! but i can guess...you'll be tripping over yourselves thanking me for the info... At our CORE, buried deep within the foundation of who we have come to know ourselves to be, we find our truth, our spirit and our art. Our intuition hangs honest & heavy, resting in the bellies of the bodies we were blessed with. Our spine holds our heads up high, keeps our courage close and allows us to stand up tall for all the good things we believe in. Our spirit & our light - the very force of our life - sparks somewhere softly in the middle of who we are, reaching out toward one another with longing, forever hoping to be heard. ******************************************************************************** sorry for the spotty posts...my bodyclock is trying to synch with the wall clock, and all i can think about is sleep...except at 4am! so i've been getting up at 4am, working on some really inspired art pieces, then going to work. sounds good till about 2pm when i would just commit crimes of undisclosed natures just to have a nap. so i come home and go to bed by 7pm-ish. so...once again today i was up at 4am, but will now be napping. save my place - i have a week's worth o' good stuff for ya!

chasing center

we base our outlook, our reactions, our dealings with others on what we feel to be True...that certainty in our gut, our spirit, our core make-up that This is my starting point and I will base opinions and actions from This point. What happens if you find that point to be ...ummm, not so much false, but not what you thought? i use an analogy of religion: what if that really great group of worshippers you joined, the ones who "got" you and accepted you, what if they invited you to a foreign land for a KoolAid party? suddenly, you realize everything you thought you knew - was false. or at least everything you had given your heart over to... your time and effort over to...was not as it first appeared. or maybe it was, but it would've hurt too much to see it as it really was. and imagination took over a bit, blurring the edges a little, creating a new reality that was acceptable by your younger mind. but sooner or later, cats get bored in bags, and they come out to play. and at a point when, hopefully, you are more able to face the truth of the situation, there it is. as it always was. naked before you. or maybe you were long past due to address it, and life just got tired of watching you run the same hamster wheel and shoved it in front of you on a chilly, damp evening with a needlepoint bag of memorabilia from 32 years and 1 month ago, all spread out on a beautiful new bedspread. maybe sometimes things like that happen so you can, in a lightening flash of epiphany, see that you have set people up to fail in their relationship with you. all based on what you perceived, and blurred the edges on, and held to your heart like a haughty trophy. then what? if you're lucky - a cosmic do-over. i hit pause and rewind.

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.."

did i ever share this with you? can't remember. but last night, my neighbor called to thank me again for the walking stick i got her...it has given her back her freedom & power. after a loose dog attacked her 2 dogs, killing one, she was terrified to walk the other, in case of another attack. i happened to see this vendor display at a craft festival & Debi customized one with paw prints and human prints, and wrote the names of my neighbor's dogs on it (woodburned). Debi is a great person...one of those instant connections you meet at the soul level in an instant. have i seen her since? nope. but i have a sense that our paths aren't done crossing on this earth yet. and the walking stick got me thinking about the totems and charms and rituals we all have that make us feel more empowered...the lucky doodad or burning a special candle before meditation or before beginning art time. for a while, i was a serious fundamental christian...with the accent on the "mental." a church i went to had more rules than God ever intended, and I lived in fear that i'd break a rule, piss off God and bad luck and a teflon slide to hell would follow. i broke free, clearly. and although i began searching and exploring Buddhism and Hinduism and Judaism (again) and various & sundry belief systems and religions, nothing felt right...everything had something that didn't sit quite right in my spirit. so i gathered my own personal beliefs and decided that Linduism was the way to go. (my own - Linda + ism, since Judy-ism was taken *smile*). and i no longer feel like i need to peek around the corner for the teacher while i throw a spitball, and no longer feel Not Quite Good Enough. I still have some deep beliefs from the church days, but they are beliefs that ring true to me...not what a pastor shouted at me on endless sunday mornings. and i still love kirtan. and although the jury is still out for me on the endless array of brightly garbed dieties of Hinduism, i am drawn to the history and stories behind each, and have been known to call upon one or two for help in the studio. so it's an eclectic mix. i'm not sure why this is coming out in a post just now, but here it is. i guess for me, anything that serves to make a person feel Less, rather than Just Enough or Just Right, is something that does not come from a good place. and anything that doesn't have room for other thoughts and beliefs and feelings, and doesn't respect and celebrate the diversity of thoughts and beliefs...that isn't from a good place, either. in my opinion. if you have a diferent opinion, then i respect it and celebrate your right to have it...but this is my blog, so i write my stuff. and speaking of kirtan...how is it, i ask you, how is it that i can learn entire chanting songs in sanskrit - a language not known for it's contemporary usage here - learn them SNAP like that, but Spanish on demand - no way, Jose. today was to be the Day Of Linda Recording In Spanish. the man with the phone codes drove through a huge rainstorm just to punch in numbers while i listened for the tone, and hopefully began my message. in spanish. a language, you may remember, i do not speak. now, HE spoke spanish, but oooooh nooo - it had to be my voice...first in english, then spanish. and you may also remember that the last message i was to record was to say that no spanish-speaking agents were available. they knew this part ahead of time because there are no spanish speaking agents. i tried, y'all. i really really tried. i tried by reading it in spanish. i tried by reading the painstakingly written phonetic translation. i tried by willing myself to be spanish. no luck. it's like trying to fill that little cup at the Dr's office first thing in the morning. finally the code man became exasperated and fairly shouted, "JUST SAY blah blah blah! JUST SAY IT!" so that was the key - when i heard him say it, i could parrot his sounds. except for that rrrrr sound - of which there were many. but by then he was covered in high blood pressure and i had flop sweat rolling from my armpits. yes, i could say "to continue in spanish, press number 5," but looming ahead was a Full Paragraph of information...many many words, i tell you. and neither of us had the fight for it left in us. so we found the director, and in a move so unbelievably generous, the code man told her that the codes were wrong and he had to fix something at the junction box or some damn place, and we'd have to do it again. i could have kissed his purple cheek. i doubt he'll return, but it'll give me some time to practice. perhaps. meanwhile, Miriam - the maintenance worker from Cuba has a great voice. i have suggested her to the director many times. Miriam was a college professor in Cuba, as was her husband. they now empty the trash at our corporate offices while saving to bring an adult daughter here. i was teaching Miriam english, as best i could, when i worked at the new new office. she had been trying to teach me spanish. i should have paid better attention. Miriam was a professor. Miriam is now emptying my trash. my thoughts are too complex to write about this. i will say i honor her, and i envy her courage and persistance at life. her husband has the equivalent of a PhD. he vacuums. and i have caught them both dancing salsa in the copyroom with the accounting clerks. those random thoughts for you tonight...a good night full of Tiger chai tea and sweat pants and a peacefulness in my heart. au revoir, muchachos. L.

a quiet house. diva is at grandma's for the week while i sort out what to do about her. yesterday, she bit my angelfriend. i understand her motivations, but that doesn't make them acceptable. and as unacceptable as some human behavior is in this house, she (diva) creates more tension with her bad behavior. our house is divided by it...me & her against the rest. me worrying about leaving her alone here (alone being any time i'm not here, even if others are...especially if others are). i had 3 choices...training, banishment, or euthanasia. the third was not really a choice, and was a thought that made me physically ill for the moments it joined the list, and then was erased from the list. she is a rescue. she was used as a bait dog in her early beginnings. she was rescued, then mistreated again. then was entrusted to me. i let her down by letting her beginnings dictate how i dealt with her...or didn't, as it became the case. i worked around her fearful behaviors, and made excuses for them, and tailored my life around them. then married, and expected the rest to do the same. hmmm. a theme here? i sent her to the solitude of grandma's, where no visitors would surprise and scare her, and her fear response would not be activated. i thought it would be best for her,and for the household. but as i walked in the door tonight, the house was Empty...no wags greeted me...no kisses and puppy hugs...just. silence. and i knew i couldn't pretend not to miss her so very deeply. so that left only 1 option...an option that should have been used 10 years ago...training. rather than reward her bad behavior by looking the other way, i should have sought this out ESPECIALLY for her. when she knows her place in the pack and knows what to expect of which behaviors, she will be a much happier, well-behaved dog. her anxiety level must be so very high all the time. so on november 14th, we will begin our training together. it should be interesting...the trainer comes to the house...i wish him luck getting in the door. since diva is afraid of men, this should make for a doubly interesting day. i will stock up on peroxide and bacitracin and bandaids. just in case his reputation is as overblown as his fee. it will take some budgetary maneuverings the likes of which no ponzi scheme has ever seen. but worth every cent if it works. it would be nice to have company over and not listen to a backdrop of mini-wolf howls coming from an upstairs bedroom. just in time for the return of the steppers for break. 5 weeks. and hopefully a kinder, gentler Pooh-dog. cross your fingers! xoxL.

I feel as if I've just returned from a long journey...and in a sense, I have. My piece for the CORE show is done, and if I could download the flyer for it I certainly would ...my crazy computer has a mind of it's own. (or perhaps my mind isn't acting technical, but anyway...). I promised Georgia 1st viewing, and hope she feels what I put into this project...that will be my canary-in-the-mine. This has been the most excruciating process, and equally, the best spend time...it's been a while since I questioned the questions...i had begun to take for granted the fact that i could put nails and nuts and beads and metal and fiber togather and Make Art of it. it had been some time since i had been faced with feelings of being an imposter, or inadequate, or maybe just Average. and my usual M.O. is to teflon my way around those thoughts, and not accept them ...just ignore them outright. but apparently, this was my shining moment ordained to deal with those issues, lucky me. and i am patting myself on the back for boxing and fighting my way through them...facing them toe-to-toe, seeing them for the liar that they are, and slaying them. i have come away stronger and more certain. and more tired! what normally would have taken me a week to complete dragged on and on and on through the summer...every spare moment, every "sick" day, every weekend moment from 5am-midnight. and honestly, i never realized how debilitating uncertainty can be...how completely it could stop your feet in their tracks. sort of a mirror for my life. but back to art...i observed myself from a third-person perspective at times...shaking my virtual head and wondering why in the world this was such a big hoo-ha to not move forward...why each material was being questioned, and each placement of the FINALLY selected material was questioned. normally, the materials leap at me and there is, inside me, a knowledge that it belongs Here or There, and it is never questioned...i learned long ago that eventually it will all make sense and look Just Perfect. so don't stop the flow of the process...just be the hands. so that was a big issue...why was i stunting the process? why was i creating my own failure? in the past (the wayback past...like 40 years ago, give or take, yeah - like before i was born. ah-hmmm) whenever something got too hard or scary, i wanted to just quit - walk away. whether it was a skating competition, or a gymnastics competition (yes - this old ass used to do those things) when the going got tough, i was allowed to walk away. not pushed out there on the ice, or thrown onto the balance beam...just an Ok, You Don't Have To, and off to the mall. so although I've faced down a lot of demons and hard things throughout my life, it is the non-survival issues that seem to hang me up. yes - i can work 3 jobs in order to survive. yes...oh don't make me make a tragic & boring list - you get the point. but it's the Soul Enrichment issues. and i suspect there will be plenty more tests and strengthenings to come, but i feel like i've just aced the SAT of them all. so I thank you Anne, for putting this show together and Swirly for putting me together with it...and i thank myself for rising to the occasion and putting myself together. My "other" piece was called "She's Come Undone." The one being bubblewrapped and ready to ship is called "Honor." I'll post pictures as soon as Georgia sees it. now - off to find vodka. xoxLinda

she's. done. and the village commenced rejoicing.

lately

maybe it's saying goodbye-for-now to the yaks... or seeing the piles of crisp leaves mounding up in my yard... something about the last week or so has had me feeling lonely...i've been rambling around the house with diva and kittenhead, who are fine company, but honestly - they do not speak english. i've been delving deep, between the Artist's Way and all the issues the mannequin project has brought out, and just not really having a lot of human companionship...and after being sick for so many days, i came home the other night drained and weepy and totally feeling sorry for myself, and just look who appeared at my doorstep.... what's not to love about a little sock baby? what incredible timing! Thank you - as if you knew... and i felt like, okay, you big derf, stop this feeling sorry/sad stuff now...remember your Lake...reach out...remember you are loved...remember someone else may need to know they are loved and honored and seen and heard and the next day, there, indeed were people who felt down and lonely and invisible that needed to be seen and heard, and i was given the honor of letting them know that they were all that - and a side of fries. and it made me grateful. and the gratefulness moved things outward again. and that drew Good Things to me. so today, as i tgif'd my way into the driveway, i opened the mailbox, and LO! an incredible card & note from a Great Sparkling Ball of Light...just in time...just to push me past that last crumb that was catching in my heart that was trying to tell me This Is All There Is...and i sat there in my car grinning my butt off and feeling not so lonely and not so unseen and not so B-movie sappy. remind someone this weekend that you honor them...that their friendship is important...that they are boundless and endless and wonderful - just by Being. it really feels good...to the giver and the receiver. thank you, all, for gifts received and thoughts sent and for just Being. i send my deepest love to each of you. xoxLinda

lace veil over my soul

want to see my alter ego/inner Linda? Go here and turn up your speakers just a bit. just. makes. me. faint. with. longing. it's all. L.

sad to say my 600th post was a whiney one. *sigh* well, may i redeem myself a bit? i am cranky and grouchy because of this bug, but strangely am feeling good (in a small part of my brain) because i'm taking care of myself and staying in bed. normally i turn into Mondo Martyr, and still try to keep my regular schedule...times 10. not much choice with this bug, but still...i made a concious choice to take care of myself. i had picked up a book, Her Fearful Symmetry, on Saturday, and remember thinking I'd never have time to read it. got time. i'm 3/4 done. at the scary part now, so i'm putting it away for the night. and - bonus- whenever i'm sick, i have the strangest dreams. the last few nights have been wildly creative! last night i dreamed that i owned a huge gallery, and it was opening night. the place was crowded and rocking. on the 3rd floor, i had a loft and studio. at some point, i woke up and then fell back asleep, and continued the dream. since my last post, i found, and ran, spybot. problems solved. it's amazing how disconnected i felt from the world...can't leave the house...everyone else at work...no internet...yikes! i was amish. i usually go to bed early, and read in bed for a while with the TV on. the TV is mostly for a nightlight for the husband, so he doesn't turn on the room light when he (finally) comes in. today - no TV. bliss. not a huge fan, but have my favorite shows. today mom came over to walk diva dog, and brought me some magazines and sachets. she comes up with the strangest things! she wants to say I Love You, but that's awkward between us, so she buys some thing. i've become used to finding a pair of socks or chapstick or something with a bow on it when i get home. there are so many unspoken issues between us. i think we both got tired of bad feelings and the hurts, but couldn't find our way back, so we ignore the 1000 pound gorilla in the room and buy chapsticks for each other. it's something, at least. my hope is to be able to tell our stories to each other someday. but in doing so, some pretty huge landmines will get blown up. and i'm not sure what purpose those would serve. but yet, the choice becomes this: our superficial, but workable relationship, or a deeper one but at a cost. of course you'd think the deeper relationship would be the best, but honestly, i'm not sure either of us has the fight left in us for that. we each know in our heart-of-hearts that the other loves us truly & deeply. but in order to have a Pure Love, a demonstrative love, and unimpeded love, it would require so very much re-breaking of hearts and repairing, and re-pairing....and who knows if what would remain would be better or worse. so we tread this middle ground, mom & I, in silent agreement that we both would like more, but are content in our way, with what is there. it's better than it was for so many years, and the fear of going back not-quite-far-enough makes us each accept what we now have. so that is why i'm the geek who always tells you how i feel. and how i think you're wonderful. and exactly why you're wonderful. not to be confused with being a sycophant or stalker...just making sure that you know how i feel. and hopefully you already feel the same about yourself. oy...so i am rambling...better living through chemistry, as my medicine takes hold. again. goodnight. be well. and i mean that. L.

i have my computer back....3 days in Geek Squad and they still hadn't finished the scan, so i took ot back. there are now 2 trojan events and 3 phishing thingies on it that weren't there before. i have no idea what to do next. i googled spybot and got a bunch o' sites and couldn't figure out which one was the REAL one. i have been laid up in bed for 2 days sick now, and tomorrow isn't looking so good. i'll stop here, because i sound like a whiny baby. pity me, though. and if you have any technical suggestions, please let me know. i am desperate.

i have a few things to say

let me start by saying that, in the unlikely chance that i should win tonight's Yolanda Vega Lotto extravaganza, i will buy the internet. once it is mine, i will make some rules. first, and foremost, anyone and i mean ANYONE - your child, your grandmother, your dog, even you - anyone who sprouts some malicious viral thing will be banned. and placed in hell, where they will forever shovel coals. forever. what possible high can these people get from going "Oh Cool! i've disrupted people's lives...people i don't know...people who innocently go about their business." i am scratching my head over that. graffiti on walls...that i get. april fool's jokes? check. you get to see the reaction, and they're usually pretty narrowly targeted. like when youngblood texted his dad who was in the middle of a 3-day top level meeting. and he said "my girlfriend's pregnant." that i understand. that is easily undone with a smack to the side of the head, and a divorce. but not this email mess i am now confronted with. and a possible bill of $200 to un-do it. $200 that was better spent shipping a mannequin across country. but i am sidetracked. now, rule two...think of email as sex. if you do not have a virus protection program on your computer...do not email. simple. you are risking everyone's computing health by sending unprotected emails. we do not think this is funny. and moreover, the joke you sent that i accidentally opened? i have seen it so many times since the dial-up days, it just has lost it's humor. so seriously - please - get protection. i have protection, but apparently your virus beat my protection. and now, i can't get that important email i've been waiting for. and i can't email my friends to say i was thinking of them. i know i'm on a rampage here, but it just feels so violating. and honestly, i don't read those forwards. i delete them. and i made 1 mistake...i clicked the wrong line in the received box. it shouldn't count. i am careful. i have good 'net manners. and since the time of my old 185 computer, i have learned some things: people hate those Getting To Know You forwards...Bill gates will not be sending you money, or anyone else for that matter, just because you click something...there is no lost dog...the sick child has not aged since i first saw that email in the mid-90's...there is no pot of gold waiting on the internet anymore than there is in your mailbox along with a publishers clearinghouse check and balloons. yes, i'm cranky. i have the flu and my computer has a virus. but just the email. and i love LOVE getting emails. i love getting real old-fashioned mail more, but emails are nice. just put a condom on the computer first. Thank you. i'm done now. oh - except to say that if you have emailed me anytime since friday night, i probably didn't get it, so please resend AFTER sunday. i am either getting no emails, or the ones that squeeze through get replicated exponentially so i hurry them into the deleted folder, where they pop out again into my inbox, doubling themselves each time///3 become 6 become 12, etc. now i'm done. thanking you for listening. i'm not a bad person...just pretty hardwire for hell right now. L.

Please DO NOT email me until sunday after dinner....my emails continue to replicate themselves...geek squad, here i come. i apologize ...i thought i had this licked.

it is very very early. i spent the better part of the night cleaning a virus out of my email box. it came from a forwarded email joke thing. i didn't open it, but as my cursor scrolls down the list of emails, it automatically opens them...so i guess, technically, i opened it. i usually just delete any forwarded messages...the joke kind. having been in this spot before. and it caused the demise of my old computer. it took 2 techs and 4 virus programs and 7 business days to get it working again. but it was never really the same. so i'm uber-protective of my new computer. i have a spanky virus program on it. and yet....whenever i deleted this email, it popped back into my inbox, dragged everything else with it, and duplicated it by 2. so i ended up with over 32 copies of these things. that's 32 copies of 16 deleted emails. do the math. my abacus melted. so thankfully i have HandsomePierre's home number, and he is far too polite to not help. so don't send me joke emails. i'm not laughing. i am however, despite the fever, motivated and excited - yes excited!-to get going on my mannequin. i hope to finish today, or will jump from my roof. i love her. it was the right thing to switch. of that, i am certain. and the other 2 that are headlessly staring at me have designs awaiting. so i should end up with 3 done by christmas! hmmm...now who needs a mannequin under their tree.....

first: Happy Birthday Georgia! may your year be full & juicy and bursting with goodness and gratitude! you are a VSP. this is short & sweet...my intention was to stay up late late and rock out this mannequin. tomorrow is the last full day i have to complete it, if it's to be shipped in time. although gailwhonevercalls has a husband who works for one of those fastest shipping companies, and he recommended overnight shipping because it's handled less - from the hub to the plane and on to it's new home. makes sense. so i may have a few more minutes after all! as i mentioned, my INTENTION was to rock it...not so. my face is swollen and i think i may have a root canal issue brewing. usually happens on a friday or saturday when every endodontist is closed. i've taken tylenol and some leftover antibiotics. i think some vodka may help. the other woman in my new office space (read: former storage closet with 3 women in it) has been out 3 days with a flu. since we sit on top of each other, i am hoping this achy painy eyes hurt thing is really just the tooth. of course i could have run across the street to one of our offices, but since i was the only employee in my dept today, and because i have my own outside (expensive) dentist, i didn't go. and my dentist is not open on fridays since he is also an artist and gives himself a 3-day weekend to make art. my endo, on the otehr hand, works fairly normal dental hours and buys my art. so the quandry. my art usually sells to him for exactly the price i need to pay him. funny how that works out. so as i stare at a suitcase filled with doodads and shtuff to attach to miss mannequin, i am out of gas. the effort needed to wield a needle & thread is more than i can muster. i went to bed at 8:30 last night, too. my body preparing for todays pain, i guess. so it'll be an early one tomorrow morning, and a day in the studio with no breaks. i have so many projects brewing in my bee brain right now. i apologize, Georgia - your present will be delivered late. but filled with love! OH! go here and look at this amazing stuff! i personally own some of it and highly recommend it. i do not have the full collection, so if you feel inclined to buy me a birthday present, any would be great. just sayin. xox linda

(UPDATE: thanks to sue, here's the pic...better in person, but nonetheless...) if i could figure out how to transfer photos from my cameraphone to this blog, you would be looking at the most heartstopping triple rainbow...you would see each and every distinct color - even the elusive purple - in wide, proud bands arching across a sky that was cloud-dark on one side, and sunlight searing through the treetops and glistening on sugar droplets of finished rain on the blazingly brilliant autumn leaves...you'd see the cars pulled over at the side of the road as drivers forgot the rush and hustle of their hamster wheel to stare with their mouths open and make a wish, and wonder "is there a promise held here for me?" and they would wonder which promise they'd want kept...which desire, which urging, which unfulfilled nook of their hearts would they want heard in that rainbow...and to follow the great vibrant arch end to end, as far as possible, with the color bold and true throughout...the colors not of anything that could be captured by crayola or pantone...colors made up of dreams and prayers and wishes and a thousand wonderful giggles from heaven...you'd see the crows linng the trees, their caws silenced in reverence...and amazingly the bands repeated time, time, and yet again...if only i could show you...but i think i just did.

dear diary

October 7th was the anniversary of my father's passing. It is a day that send me reminders, even if i'm caught up in the daily drama. my brother called me as i was about to sink into sleep, and we talked for a lot of hours. and that cracked open a door that has been bolted and rusted shut for a long time...we talked of hurts and pain and perceptions of that day years back...how one person's absence can affect so many...and how things have traveled in the years since. and of course, that got my mind do-si-do-ing from point A to B to C and on through the alphabet. And i wrote a letter to my diary - my heartSelf. remember diaries? maybe you're too young or electronic. but back in the day, girls had diaries. they usually had a lock on them, which was easily opened (as i discovered) and they were the precursor to today's journals...they were a place to write your secret thoughts and fears and mad crushes and any other thing that you'd never even tell your BFF. for the record, we did not have BFF's then, only best friends...hardly any acronyms at all. people had time to say the actual words, because there were no computers to cruise internets on, and no internets to cruise...no cell phones, no voice mail. totally unliveable by today's standards! but back to the point, i wrote what would have been my Dear Diary entry if i didn't have all the electronics to enhance life's experience, and made peace with a part of my heart that has not seen daylight in quite some time. i've always been honest and forthright in my posts, and don't feel like holding back is in any way a part of my makeup...i am a constant communicator, as T once told me. i admit that it is sometimes exhausting to be a companion or friend to someone who's chemistry is at war between ADD and CFS (more acronyms!), and makes me appreciate the hardiest of you more than you know. so i share this with you now: Dear Diary, or should i say - "dear Linda" because it's time i sat myself down and had a thoughtful conversation? you, Linda, are the girl who who has always held back a little part of herself...guarded in a locked suitcase, ready to run. you are the girl who wishes for goodness and sends it out in huge volume, but is unable to expect it to return to her. you are the girl who keeps hidden that piece...that very most important part of her...just in case. you are the girl who doesn't do _____ because the potential for hurt (no matter how small) is too scary - even when the chances are pretty good that it will only be good result. who still keeps a good strong lock on that most important part. who, even when faced with a grand opportunity, watches for the the other shoe to fall...who feels like an imposter when great good fortune comes her way - even if it came through hard diligent work. even if it comes for no reason other than another person gave freely...or saw a shadow of the the thing you keep hidden. what that piece is, that hidden thing, is...do you even remember? and yet even though you've become a strong person with ideas and opinions and thoughts of your own, you still keep a little piece of that 7th grade girl locked up inside...the one you let have a voice, even though her time has long past...the one who signed up for cheerleading tryouts, but left when she saw all the popular girls sitting there...the one who let an off comment determine who she thought she was...the one who tried to wear the right clothes and do the cool things without thought as to if they felt true to her. the one who began to resent her mother for not guiding her through the minefield of teenage angst...did you ever realize that there were other voices that were more important? ever realize that you were seen completely differently? ever realize that the off comment was made in jealousy, not in truth? did it ever occur to you that everyone else was feeling the same thing you were? so as you work your way through this mannequin, the realizations of your core...your true self...your spirit & your spirituality...i think it's time to open that little suitcase inside your heart, let the little hurt voice out to go with the wind, and fill it with what is now known to be true...the girl replaced by the woman...the perceived hurts and insecurities replaced by the wolf spirit...prop that suitcase open for those wonderful things to be seen...give them light and breath and fresh air, lest they get stagnant...they are yours.....and yes, there will still be some that have diferent ideas about what you have to offer, but that only means that those gifts are not meant for them - not that those gifts are somehow damaged or lessened. " 10/7/09

mmm mmm good i tell you!

what a day to put a gold star on the calendar about. before you get excited...nothing mo mo monumental...just one of those days that make you smile as a constant parade of little presents pop up at you from the universe. it started out rough - 5:32am thunder followed by diva pacing my forehead, then leaping into the tub for safety...of course she wants ME to be safe, so she wolf-howls till i join her. Kita was the same way (till he went deaf). i had extra time before work, since going for a w-a-l-k was a laughable thought...i figured i'd have a cleanup job when i got home. THEN grandma (who woke up with the same thunder at her house) figured diva would be terrified, so she came over and got her. and is keeping her overnight. so i had time to stop at the bookstore after work! the day in between held gifts ...for once, the computers AND the phones went down at the same time, leaving idle hands for the devil's workshop. i Linda-ized the new (old) office a bit...faxing fun notes and pictures to everyone, and generally amusing myself in the usual ways...sticky notes that say "IMPORTANT!!" with a paper clip on them, and nothing attached, etc...juvenile. yes! my handprint on life. as i drove home - well actually ATTEMPTED to drive home, haven gotten on the hiway in the wrong direction - i decided to make this a mini brain vacation...i took my time as i drove, and planned an actual dinner for 1. i ended up having breakfast...scrambled eggs and some fabulous bread - honey apple oat, sliced thick thick. something cozy wrapped around me. a mug of Tiger Chai tea. I bought a load o' books and magazines at B&N, and will take a bubble bath as soon as the tub finishes filling. a bubble bath! i used to take them all the time, and (TMI time...) when hillbilly & I were dating, i insisted that we argue in the tub. hard to stay mad and naked at the same time. our new house has this tiny tub that even I can't stretch out in. maybe that's what i'll blame the trouble on. if you ever get to squam, bring bubble bath...huge clawfoot tubs. i have been formulating an SOP of sorts for my Self...rules to live by...things i wish i did, things i wish i do, things i will promise myself to do on a regular schedule. saturday mornings will be yoga...sunday nights will be Big Soak time with the other man in my life, Mr. Bubble (although i'll have to remember to shut the door - diva jumps in the tub when i'm in there...and i'm going to do The Artists Way with Spiral Betty a/k/a Nebraska. so more about the day's gifts...i scored some of the spankiest composition books on sale for 69-cents! artist way ching. my boss asked about my mannequin project, and said something so incredible about how she pictured me putting such-and-such on it...and i was amazed that she remembered a piece i'd described to her a few months back...Amazed! (a pause here for a moment of domestic drama)ok - so breaking up my zen moment of remembering my blessings, is the cat downstairs yowling and screaming and launching herself (himself) at something. a terrifying sound. i call my neighber to stay on the phone with me while i walk downstairs...no answer...i call my mother...no answer...i call the hillbilly who will no doubt start dragging his knickles from 9 hours away and tell me to grab the ruger with 14 in the clip and 1 in the tube and go downstairs with the headset on so i can grasp the handle like charlie's angles (he can smell the powder from CT), but no answer. i go down the stairs creepy creepy quietly just as the next scream/slam sound comes up the stairs, jumps into my throat and grips my heart while simultaneously at the same time i tell you exactly as my armpits fill with an icy cold wet terror and my feet refuse to listen to the brain which is screaming screaming i tell you GO BACK! RUN AWAY! like on all those movies where the girl is running from the monster man and drops her keys and somewhere in my movie right here right now, the ears hear a trickling sound not unlike that of warm water with zen-like soap bubbles floating on the surface just like that sound trickling over the edge of, oh, say, porcelain or fiberglass and pooling across tile yes just like that same exact sound but the feet are just too curious, so they go down the stairs just in time to see the cat launch itself at the picture window which is featuring a fern waving in the wind just outside. a fern. outside. waving in the wind. just a fern. and now, water. in the bathroom. not just in the tub, but in the bathroom. upstairs. and we know from 8th grade science that water will seek it's own level or some such crap i never paid attention, as i was too in love with the teacher and just doodled Mrs Linda Spofford all over my notebook for an hour. so. the only question remaining: where's the fucking vodka?

yes, i feel the change of the seasons....early darkness...a crisp in the air...fragrant jasmine-y flowers replaced by woodsmoke...the drone of lawnmowers replaced by the crunching of leaves underfoot. this is my favorite time of year...as the earth prepares for a few months of rest, tucked in under it's snow blanket. it's also the time of year when i gear up in earnest for my least favorite moments...dark moodiness...doldrums...outright depression that makes me want to tuck in under my own blanket and just stay put for a day, or a few days, or a week. i've learned my body's rythym, and know when to be extra good to myself, and when to say no to invitations and stay quietly at home, rather than paste on a happy face and scream inwardly with a tantrum that i just. want. to. go. home. and as you well know, home has not been my respite fortress in a while, but some inward fear takes hold and a bone deep tiredness overcomes any good intentions. some great good news came yesterday, and even more today, and this has me dancing on pointe...the new building my department has been moved to (which is actually the old building the company began in) is so remote and so scary, that i refused to stay until 7pm...being that i would be the lone person in the entire building and in the entire office park. i simply stated that it was a safety risk i was not prepared to gamble with. i would be leaving at 5pm with everyone else that day, and for any remaining days they felt they would keep me on. my manager and supervisor agreed...this building was new to them, as well, and no one had any idea of how little thought anyone had put into our safety. so we all leave at 5pm now. i go in at 8am, which means an alarm blaring at 5am. a trade off, i suppose, until that lottery ticket pays off! then today, my job duties were changed, and i although the number of "things" i do in a day has been slashed, it is perfect. my new supervisor took stock of who does what and who's talents lie where, and decided that i was best on the phones and followup with those issues. in order to do that properly, everything else was redistributed. everything. so my day is filled with what i am happiest doing, and i leave at a normal hour...what's not to love? i get home with time to walk diva dog and eat dinner and work on some artwork and post a blog entry! and i may actually have time to find my pictures that HandsomePierre put on my new computer for me! so i'm going to take advantage of some actual ME time now. i challenge each of you to reach out to someone in your life - whether a friend, aquaintaince, co-worker, or someone you just pass everyday on your way here or there...i challenge you to perform a random and anonymous act of kindness for them at least once a month through these dreary next months. you just will never know how meaningful it is...how warm and incredibly love-filled and life-saving it feels to receive something from someone...just because. and the feeling you get for the giving is amazing, too. be warm. be well. be fabulous. xoxLinda

wow - a dooce!

so today i began contemplating stuff. it was a beautiful fall day - warm sun on my back, and just a touch of chill in the air: perfect for big cozy sweaters! and being outside was the order of the day, as the house (hopefully) airs out. and what i realized is how a grumpy & dismal veneer was trying to paint itself into the corner of my heart...how the ground i gained was eroding a bit...how i was seeing the glass as half full AND half empty...sort This, BUT That Too. and i realized that i was beginning to operate under the "best defense is a good fence" playbook...that in order to not have to challenge myself or make difficult choices and changes, it was easier to stay put and grumble, or stay put and just be miserable, or stay put and stay little. and my dreams aren't lofty...no "CEO by such-and-such a year" or to be featured in X-number of galleries by 2011 or anything like that. no, my dreams are simple and attainable. To Be. whoever that may be. when i was 20 i thought, okay - this is it...i know it all and have Become who I will be for the rest of my life. Ha. silly child! then at 30, i realized - not so much, my friend. at 40 i began to mellow and melt into myself like a pair of your go-to jeans. satisfied with what i felt. but whoo boy - 48 hit like a ton of bricks, and i realized that there was Still More i wanted from my life. from my Self. and began to feel like Houdini in chains hanging over a column of water. i struggle at the bindings and shook some locks free, but still i was uncomfortable in that fidgety way that makes you think you may have forgotten an important appointment, or makes you look to see if you've accidentally worn your bedroom slippers to work. i am still not living my life on my terms. and although i may have to stay at my Big Girl job, i am okay with that as long as I can do it on my terms. i have refused to work until 7pm. that mandate from me came on friday. the new office is too remote and dark for a woman to work alone in at night. and night comes around 5pm these days. not 1 day will i stay. and i will schedule my studio time as if it truly is an appointment. because it is. with myself. and i will hold my time and my heart and my art with tenderness and gratitude of the gift that it is. and be thankful for the talent i have been given...never again to side-burner it or downplay it. it is a gift. a gift given to me that required nothing on my part...not a question of deserving or being anything special...just a gift. and i will use that gift in blessing of others and in gratitude for the expression. and with the thoughfulness that it deserves. we are all given gifts. and they have a place and purpose in the world. and each of us is equipped with our own special "thing" that has a place in order to fulfill a need. and to be envious of another's gift is to disrespect your own. and to not use your gift is certainly a loss to the world, because each of us is a puzzle piece that has a niche...a place where we fit in. and if the piece that fits in the middle near the side doesn't feel needed or think it has importance, then we all suffer. my cousin worked in a puzzle factory when he was 16-iah. i was a kid around 6years old. whenever we went to visit his family, my biggest treat was to go with his sister to pick him up from work. and he'd come out of the puzzle factory and dive into a dumpsterload of rejected puzzles and bring one to me. all boxed up. but with 1 or more pieces missing, of course. or 2 of the same pieces somewhere in there, but 1 of the 2 needed to be a different shape entirely in order to complete the picture. do i need to explain? didn't think so. so as i have spent endless hours urging others to develop and use their gift - whether it be art or music or theater or just being the shoulder to lean on - i will now challenge myself to honor the same in myself. it is easier, my friend, by far, to only stay within the fence - the comfort zone you've set up for yourself...a fence that keeps out anything that would come to you wrapped in beautiful paper with a beautiful red sparkly bow...but would require you to change something or do something different. a fence that keeps you locked in to your 6 paces square. i have spent some time meditating on What Is Next. and it only took a few moments, believe me when i say it. within moments what i had kept on the other side of the fence jumped over at me and gave me a huge hug. and i hugged back. and together we will face the fence and the challenge. stay tuned! L.