sad to say my 600th post was a whiney one. *sigh* well, may i redeem myself a bit? i am cranky and grouchy because of this bug, but strangely am feeling good (in a small part of my brain) because i'm taking care of myself and staying in bed. normally i turn into Mondo Martyr, and still try to keep my regular schedule...times 10. not much choice with this bug, but still...i made a concious choice to take care of myself. i had picked up a book, Her Fearful Symmetry, on Saturday, and remember thinking I'd never have time to read it. got time. i'm 3/4 done. at the scary part now, so i'm putting it away for the night. and - bonus- whenever i'm sick, i have the strangest dreams. the last few nights have been wildly creative! last night i dreamed that i owned a huge gallery, and it was opening night. the place was crowded and rocking. on the 3rd floor, i had a loft and studio. at some point, i woke up and then fell back asleep, and continued the dream. since my last post, i found, and ran, spybot. problems solved. it's amazing how disconnected i felt from the world...can't leave the house...everyone else at work...no internet...yikes! i was amish. i usually go to bed early, and read in bed for a while with the TV on. the TV is mostly for a nightlight for the husband, so he doesn't turn on the room light when he (finally) comes in. today - no TV. bliss. not a huge fan, but have my favorite shows. today mom came over to walk diva dog, and brought me some magazines and sachets. she comes up with the strangest things! she wants to say I Love You, but that's awkward between us, so she buys some thing. i've become used to finding a pair of socks or chapstick or something with a bow on it when i get home. there are so many unspoken issues between us. i think we both got tired of bad feelings and the hurts, but couldn't find our way back, so we ignore the 1000 pound gorilla in the room and buy chapsticks for each other. it's something, at least. my hope is to be able to tell our stories to each other someday. but in doing so, some pretty huge landmines will get blown up. and i'm not sure what purpose those would serve. but yet, the choice becomes this: our superficial, but workable relationship, or a deeper one but at a cost. of course you'd think the deeper relationship would be the best, but honestly, i'm not sure either of us has the fight left in us for that. we each know in our heart-of-hearts that the other loves us truly & deeply. but in order to have a Pure Love, a demonstrative love, and unimpeded love, it would require so very much re-breaking of hearts and repairing, and re-pairing....and who knows if what would remain would be better or worse. so we tread this middle ground, mom & I, in silent agreement that we both would like more, but are content in our way, with what is there. it's better than it was for so many years, and the fear of going back not-quite-far-enough makes us each accept what we now have. so that is why i'm the geek who always tells you how i feel. and how i think you're wonderful. and exactly why you're wonderful. not to be confused with being a sycophant or stalker...just making sure that you know how i feel. and hopefully you already feel the same about yourself. oy...so i am rambling...better living through chemistry, as my medicine takes hold. again. goodnight. be well. and i mean that. L.